808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys

Obviously gauged ears are super hot...

Thank you Brandon Boyd for being beautiful.

...but I decided that there was probably more to it than that and it was probably wise to figure it out. Then I also decided that I should probably impart my insight to the world. So here it is: Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys (to be abbreviated hereafter as NLGs...). And I apologize for the generalizations. These aren't facts, just observations from my life.

1. They show interest
For some unknown reason, all the LDS guys that have ever liked me, have never said anything. I find out way too late to do anything and always from some mutual friend. And in most cases I always think "I would've totally gone out with him!" NLGs are straight up about it from the get-go.

2. They know what a date is
When NLGs are interested, they ask me out to get to know me better. When LDS guys are interested, they have to form new social situations to see me in action so they can get to know me casually so that they can figure out if they want to date me. Dates are to get to know people so you can decide if you want to date them, not a trap door to marriage.

3. They respect my boundaries
One of the problems with dating within the Church is that everyone has a different set of "rules" when it comes to dating and making out. I pretty much wrote the book on conservative dating, and therefore, with LDS guys, my views are often mocked instead of respected. NLGs on the other hand, do whatever it takes to be with me, and if that means certain rules of engagement during cuddling or making out, then so be it.

4. They understand a good thing
I think that most LDS males have an overabundance of phenomenal women in their lives. So many, that they start to think that it's normal. However, I can't tell you how many of my NLG friends have said "I'm just so ready to find a good girl..." and that's the truth. Once they see a girl who is focused, faithful and full of hope, optimism and happiness, they recognize that it's an anomaly and not the standard.

5. They just do
I feel like the thought process in their head is something like this:


*Sees cute girl* Hottie! *approaches girl and engages in conversation* She's funny! *more conversation* And smart! *more conversation* Dude, I gotta get her number...*number attained*

Most of my LDS buddies talk the relationship through eternity and realize all the flaws with the marriage before they even get the girls' number. Seriously dude, tone it down. Take her on a date... It's just a date.


Now obviously there are other reasons why I'm attracted to these guys, for the most part, they're genuine, sincere, men with good hearts and plenty of drive and chivalry. But the reasons why I consider dating them more frequently than LDS guys can be summed up in the above 5 reasons. So in conclusion:

Don't Mess.

Everything in life is about balance: Be confident but not prideful; be humble but not a doormat; indulge every once in a while but always be in control; express how you feel but don't be irrational; not everyone needs to know everything but be honest in all your dealings....it makes it hard to know where the line is, and takes constant course correction. 


If I were to be described in terms of personality tests The Color Code says I'm a Blue/White, Meyers-Briggs calls me the INFJ Counselor; and Kiersey labels me as an Idealist. Basically, I'm a lover and a feeler. It's what I do. I love without conditions, trust cautiously, strive to be nothing but genuine with people, and I value integrity higher than any other virtue. In theory this all sounds really great and noble, but occasionally it can be perceived as naive and soft.


But I don't love out of naivety. I love out of choice. I see the deceit and wickedness of the world and choose to love anyway. I know that most people don't prize integrity as much as I do, and everyone has different perceptions of what's acceptable behavior. We've all been raised in different realities, and have different belief systems of how to live our lives. And in the face of all of those facts, loving everyone unconditionally and without cause leaves you looking like an easy target, or a necessity for coddling. Therefore, I believe that while love is given freely, trust should be given sparingly.


Because of the status of the world and how much I've been burned in the past, I trust very conditionally. Based mostly on intuition and continuous honesty: if you can tell me I should probably not wear that dress, and that you hate it when I whistle, your trust factor goes up. BS makes my top 5 pet peeve list. Honesty shows respect.


I am 25, I have life experience and have seen and been through situations that have shaped me into, what I would consider, a relatively rational, mature adult. I see reality for what it is, I simply choose not to sink to its level. I choose to tow the line of realism and optimism; being thick-skinned and soft-hearted; and loving without restraint in a world of filth and sorrow despite the consequences. 

Bachelor #1

Last night I went in for the nightly feeding of Joplin, and found her keeled over in her wheel breathing extremely shallow. I've seen her in hibernation before, and this wasn't it. I became really worried. She was responsive, but barely. From what I could tell she hadn't touched her food in days and she was pretty skinny. So I quickly Googled how to nurse a malnourished hedgehog back to health, ran to the store to get all the essentials, and came back to care for the little one.

Let's quickly jump back a couple months to my What is the Deal post:

After posting it I got a text from Bachelor #1 praising my blogging talents, and offering an open invitation to discuss the male psyche whenever I wanted. I said I'd take him up on that and call him soon. As those of you who are close to me know, the word "soon" usually means 3 months to never. Finally, Sunday night said Bachelor called and said "I'm sick of waiting for you to call." ...I like boldness. It's hot :) Unfortunately I was at a social event and had to call him back....

Last night:

As I was awake, nursing my sick hedgehog back to health, I decided to call him. We small talked, he'd owned hedgehogs in the past and assured me Joplin would pull through. Then he cut to the chase (again with the boldness...excellently done Bachelor #1) and brought up my blog post. He even had the gumption to ask which of the Bachelors he was....I immediately sang "You're So Vain."

To make a long story with lots of ego-boosting-yet-boring-irrelevant details short, he explained his behavior, and it was pretty much as I suspected. He did like me, but has had a string of bad long-distance relationships, and since he lives out of state he decided to break the chain, a decision I completely agree with.

Now, there are a few reasons for this post:

1. This is what my friend Lauren calls "a win." A boy that I liked, liked me back. And there's nothing better than falling asleep curled up next to your sick hedgehog thinking about that :)

2. I know when a boy likes me....I know when a boy likes me. This is a useful skill.

3. Bachelor #1 increased in sexiness by about 50 points for acting like a man last night. Finally someone who has enough confidence in himself to not only fess up to feelings, but who is willing to be 100% honest about a situation. And because I know that you, sir, are stalking my blog, Congratulations :)

Ladies and Gentleman of the SBSA (Sarah Blog-Stalker Association), I would like to tell you to hold on to hope. Dating, like any other principle of the Gospel, is a simple 3 step process:

1. Pray and tell Heavenly Father what you want, being as specific as possible.
2. Ask what your part in bring this prayer to fruition is. Be willing to bend to His will. After all, He does know what's best for you better than you do :)
3. Act in Patience. Others have said it better than me:

"Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." -D&C 123:17

"...Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience [requires] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don’t] appear instantly or without effort." - Elder Uchtdorf


The desired outcome may not happen immediately, in fact, it probably won't. But, if you continue to act in faith for however long it takes, there will be wins along the way!
Oh, and Joplin is feeling much better this morning :)

Death and Rebirth...

In the world of dating, you have Carrots and Doors:

Carrots are fun.They dangle in the back of your mind and you can think about them occasionally, while entertaining the idea of going to play with it at some future date. Then every once in a while, you stretch your little bunny legs and take a shot at getting it down from it's perch. The Carrot is carefree, without commitment and is generally good dating exercise.

Doors are a little more complicated. Doors are to be walked through, they take commitment and dedication, and can only exist when the desire for one is mutual, and intentions are pure. You spend ample time pondering about what lies beyond the door, and weighing your options to see if it's what you really want. And much like Let's Make a Deal, it's a gamble. Door #1 may not contain the shiny new car you were hoping for, leaving you filled with disappointment, and a continued quest for another Door.

Now, while Doors tend to be scarier than Carrots, they're essentially what we're all looking for. Within each of us is a desire to walk through a good Door, and never have to search for another one ever again.

Yesterday I closed a very old Door. The feelings are mature, they've been tried, and tested and they run extremely deep, but have never been expressed by either party. For a long time I've wondered if it even was a  Door....it felt like more than a Carrot, and when we were together it felt like more of a Door than I've ever known.... Just recently we were honest with each other. We had both, most certainly, been keeping this door alive - for years - but walking through that door required more than either of us could give, not because we were selfish....in fact it was the opposite. Because we loved each other, we knew that this place we had reached had to be the end. To go further than this would mean the deterioration of everything we had built. So now, here we stood, before this door that had always been envisioned but had never actually manifested, and just moments after it came into being, we chose to let it go...

To be honest, I hurt.

For majority of my adult life, this Door has been in my heart as a place of safety and refuge; a sanctuary I could visit in moments of distress. It was a place of hope that embodied the happiest moments of my life. Something I'd kept sacred and told no one about...and now I feel it slowly fading away as each memory comes back individually to say good-bye. It hurts...differently than it's ever hurt before. It's a mourning for a future that, for 7 years, had been carefully woven together with hope and love, but can never exist. 

Fortunately the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, timed the passing of this Door in the middle of a Carrot...a good, light-hearted, fun, extremely casual, catered-to-my-current-needs...Carrot. 

It just reminds me that, in all things, death always brings new life.

Drug of Choice

Lately I've been feeling a little unbalanced, and today I figured out what's been missing.

Two Summers ago I read this book:

It's based on the theory that we're all children of an Infinitely Creative Being, and therefore, we are all inherently creative. However, throughout life, and for differing reasons, we all lose confidence in our creative capabilities. Therefore, we become blocked and believe that "Artists" are people with extraordinary capabilities, and the rest of the masses, us, were simply born without those gifts. This book calls your blocked-artist's bluff and walks you through a 12 week program back to your Inner Artist.

It's phenomenal. If you haven't read it, go buy it right now. 

There's a whole section about the defense tactics we use to keep ourselves blocked. These blocks can range anywhere from substance abuse, to creating drama in your life or surrounding yourself with unhealthy people. My drug of choice? Work. If you know me at all, you're probably laughing. Whether it's my job, church calling, or just plain friendship responsibilities, I will make myself so unbelievably busy that I can't possibly think about what's going on in my life. Now, being an introvert by nature, this poses a very large problem for me. In the past, it's lead to what I like to refer to as shut downs, where my brain and body, literally, just stop. It would happen about once every 3-4 months and I would usually just lock myself in my house for 2-3 days and watch movies until I'd regrouped. After reading this book, I realized that I need time to take care of myself so that I can take care of others, and I can prevent these shut downs if I just take that time. 

Well, I started "cutting away the fat," if you will, and making sure to take consistent Sarah-time. However, with all this new found RSP stuff going on, my Sarah-time has been replaced with other important things. And today, I realized that I haven't painted in months. So, I'm taking an oil painting class. I've only done some self-taught watercolors, but oils are really what I've always wanted to do, and I'd like to really learn them, so I decided on some classes. In celebration, I have some goodies for you :)

This is my very first painting, it took me the duration of the 12 week program.
It's my interpretation of me.

This is a Mormon Message that was created from my favorite Elder Uchtdorf talk ever on Creating. The link will take you to the full length talk. I highly recommend it :)

What is the Deal!?

WARNING: It's about to get real...and maybe a little sassy. Consider this a satire ;)

So after my "Can I Get a Translator?" post I was talking to one of my buddies from the mission about it and he told me that it made him feel like a total bum. After an apology and further interrogation, I discovered that he had pulled many a stunt similar to those of Bachelors 1-3. I listened intently, put myself in his shoes, and was taken on a grand tour of the male psyche. There were a couple well made points, and when all was said and done I concluded with: "I retract my previous apology. You deserve to feel like a bum."

What is it with boys? What exactly are you looking/waiting for? Because after discussing The Great Dating Famine of 2011 with some of my girl friends, I'm discovering that we good LDS women are continuously being placed into one of two categories by the male half of the species:

Homies and NCMO's

Let's explore shall we?

Homies: This is my personal favorite, because for the last 25 years of my life I have been locked into this category. Seriously, my guy friend quota is filled. Off the top of my head I can come up with 8 guys I could just call to kick it right now. That's enough to fill every night of the week, and if you gave me 5 more minutes, I'm sure I could fill 2. Now, is this really productive to the overall goal of Eternal Companionship? The answer is no. I know it, you know it, and my guy friends know it. So here's the deal, if you're trying to date me and it appears that I've been flirting with you (i.e. lots of texting, multiple invites to things, baked goods, touching of the elbow, witty banter...), it's cause I want you to ask me on a date. Which, in case you didn't know, is code for "Eventually, I would like to make out with you". This isn't an episode of "Paris Hilton's my new BFF." I want to date you.

NCMO's: Honestly, I feel like this may be worse than the Homie category. I have no experience on this topic, as I am morally opposed to them. However, I have friends who do, and if being in an ambiguous friendship/relationship isn't already confusing enough to the emotion-driven female mind, throwing physical intimacy into the mix just creates a hyper-sensitive estrogen cocktail of death...

So can anyone explain to me why it's gotta be this way? Why aren't dates happening? Because myself and plenty other great women I know continuously hear from guys that we're going to be amazing wives and mothers, or we're absolutely beautiful, fun and awesome, but these compliments are never followed up by an invitation for a date. So dear stalkers (especially those of you men who are reading, but pretending you aren't...), will someone tell me what it is we lack? Why exactly are there are so many good women who just aren't good enough?

Seriously....start talking :)

Damn Straight!

That's right. I just swore, and let me tell you why.

Recently, my friend Sarah made a post titled "Hot and Chubby" all about how one of her guy friends mentioned to her that he always thought she was hot...but chubby. Not that he had a problem with it, but that was just how he felt. Then she continued on with a pleasant blog entry about how she was sick of being hot and chubby and she just wanted to be hot. So she waltzed her way into a personal trainer, went through all the ins and outs of BMI and figuring out what a healthy weight would be, and finally her and her trainer came to a goal, which left her lean, healthy and with a remaining portion of boobs. It was actually quite motivational. 

With that being said, let me tell you a little story. I grew up with an older sister who got the tall, skinny genes all through puberty, a mom who I remember always being concerned about her weight, a dad who was built large, 2 older cousins (who were a lot like brothers) with great metabolisms, 2 aunts who were thin and very attractive, a younger brother who ate everything in sight and packed on muscle, and all the while having little to no education on what being healthy meant. With all of this perspective I had to figure out what my reality was. And the reality was I, Sarah Murray, had a slow metabolism, with my dad's Slavic build, but I was eating like the rest of my high metabolizing  family members, all the while absorbing my mom's extreme concern for weight. All of that combined landed me at age 17 and 250 lbs.

Now, luckily, I joined weight watchers and lost about 70lbs, and have, over the last few years, formed healthy habits which have resulted in losing another 20lbs. Now I say all this not to gain praise, or to brag, but to tell you that I am downright SICK of caring about my weight! 

Since my victorious 90lbs do you know how much I've actually celebrated my weightloss? Zero. 

I lost an entire 5th grader and never congratulated myself. In fact, even after all that, I mentally beat myself up everytime I ate a piece of cake, and still continue to do so. I ask myself why I can't have self control, and then I tell myself that I'm never going to be skinny, I can never wear a swimming suit in public again, boys will never ever like me, which means I'll never get married, so I'll never have sex and I'll live my life as an angry, lonely old fat woman. Then I eat a the whole pint of Chunky Monkey. Cause that's what I am. A chunky monkey.

Little irrational? Yeah. I know. And I am tired of it. I am sick of wanting to be thin. I just want to feel good about my choices. 

I went to this revolutionizing presentation the other night about how the media has screwed up our perceptions of what a "normal" woman should look like, and it's brainwashed us to think that "thin" and "beautiful" equal "happiness" and "success." In this presentation was a study about how the better you feel about yourself, the better choices you make. Loving yourself = Healthy Choices. Hating yourself = Downward spiral. You should check their website out. I had a lot of mini revelations, and just in the last few days I've realized that the more I've loved myself, the more I've loved my choices, which in turn, makes me love myself more. Isn't that amazing!?

So to sum this up: Hot and chubby? Damn Straight ;)

And now a word....

....about my red hair.

I love it. But due to it's continuous fading it will be recolored tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Best Ever

Yesterday one of my friends noticed my mood was a little more solemn than usual and due to the environment I thought it best to just throw him a lame excuse about being busy at work. Later on though, I texted him to thank him for noticing and inquiring. To which he responded by asking if there was anything he could do, to let him know. Then, almost randomly, he told me how good of a mother and wife I would be, and how amazing he really thought I was.

I, of course, cried my eyes out...and am still misting a little bit remembering it. For some reason that was exactly what I needed to hear. I've realized that of all the things in life, the only thing I've ever really wanted is to be a loving companion and mother. I feel like the biggest influence I could ever have on the world would be to raise a righteous generation of caring, loving, understanding individuals who love the Lord and doing His work more than anything else. I can judge where I'm at myself, but it's always good to hear from a man (especially one that I respect highly) that I'm headed in the right direction.

Best compliment ever.

Pansy

Yup. That's me.

Our story begins with Sarah, the good friend, playing matchmaker: 

In an attempt to set up my two good friends, Brian and Jamee, I planned a Christmas Cookie making double date at my house. Pretty nice of me right? I thought so. However, the other half of the double (me) was dateless. Now this may look like a dilemma, but it was, in fact, completely intentional. I've decided that if boys are going to be dumb, and not ask me on dates, then I was going to take my dating life into my own hands. 

So I picked a boy that I was actually interested in, and decided to call him. It went a bit like this:

Boy: Hello?

Sarah: Hey [boy] it's Sarah, What's up!?

Boy: Oh hey! Just marinating some steaks.

    [Witty banter about steaks, marinating and the like]

Sarah: Well I was just calling to see what you were doing Friday night?

Boy: Friday? Ummm...... Oh yeah! We're having a movie night at my friend's house. But it's pretty flexible. Why what's up?

[Close up of Sarah's panic-stricken face. Music fades to silence and all we can hear is a solitary heart beat growing steadily louder and faster]

Sarah: Oh. Well.....We're having a cookie-making party....... just a couple people over to decorate Christmas cookies.

Boy: A Cookie making party? That sounds excellent! What does that entail?

[Sarah closes her eyes shut and fakes bashing her head off the counter followed by a calm explanation of a cookie making party.]

I'll spare you all the pain and embarrassment of the 3 minutes that followed, and suffice it to say I'll never make fun of boys for being scared to ask girls out again. Fortunately the Lord knew I was a really big baby and gave me a second chance. Jamee realized that she had promised her brother she'd go to a concert Friday night, so she needed to move it to Saturday. Time for redemption. This time I used the less frightening texting option (I know... still lame, but I gotta work with baby steps here). It looked a bit like this:

So there's kind of this long story involving me trying to set two people up with a cookie party, then things going awry and it somehow becomes a double date on a different day but I'm dateless, and confused... so I'll spare you the gory details and ask if you're by chance available for a cookie making date tomorrow night? :D

Yeah, it was still a pansy asking out, but.... I did it. And I went on the date, and it was fun.

Eyebrows Revisited

In a previous post I mentioned the compliment I got from a random girl about how magnificent my eyebrows were. Well, I had the waxed for them first time in probably 6 years. It took about 15 minutes, but the result is pretty spectacular I would say!

Oh yeah, and I should probably mention... my hair is red.

That is all.

One Of The Boys...

My newly adopted theme song