Breaking the Silence: The LGBT, Mormon Feminist Issue

This morning my heart is full. Full of sadness and sorrow, heartbreak, compassion, and love. When I was 18 I chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I chose it because I knew it was true. I had seen the guiding hand and loving concern of a Father in heaven reaching out to me and asking me to come to him. As I came to him I felt the cleansing and purifying power of the Atonement of his son Jesus Christ. I felt strength, power, and wholeness as I began to live my life striving everyday to be more like him. As I fought and struggled to find my footing in this new and unusual world of Mormonism I fell over and over again. Each time my Savior was there to wipe my tears, comfort me, and - when I was ready - carry me back to the path. Over time I began to learn to navigate the ins and outs of the culture, and I grew in the strength of the doctrines.

But soon I began to realize disconnects. The rose colored glasses of my conversion began to come off, and I saw reality. I saw hypocrisy, fear, betrayal, and even hate. I started to see the difference between the culture and the doctrine and I had to choose to lay my faith in Christ.

Eventually situations such as Proposition 8 arose, and I saw the divide of my friends. People that I had always loved spoke out in anger and hatred against me for the things that "my church" had done. I was hurt. I was torn. How could I stand and defend the doctrines that I had come to know were true and simultaneously come to the rescue of those that I loved so strongly? I did nothing.

Here I am nearly 6 years later still having not made a stand.

And the truth is that I know where I stand, I simply don't know how to express it. So this is my attempt. My attempt to say all of the feelings that are in my heart without sufficient words, context, power, tone and medium. Forgive me if I say something amiss, or if something is left un-clarified. I pray that those of you who know me will remember the great desire of my heart to embrace and protect others from suffering. Those of you who don't know me, please know I only wish to comfort and heal.

I believe that there is only one who can provide a satisfactory explanation for all parties, and it is on His side that I stand. The Lord Jesus Christ alone can explain the doctrines of His Gospel. They are not for me to change. With that said, the very doctrines that deem the priesthood to be held by every worthy male, and marriage to be between a man and a woman have commanded us to love. It is not suggested, we are not asked to merely tolerate or "play nice." We are commanded to love. Obedience to commandments is an agentive act. We choose love, or we choose anger, fear and hatred. Opening our hearts in compassion and acceptance is a choice and if we stand idly by we are just as guilty in our sin of omission. Remember that Christ suffered for all. Not so that we can be fearful and divided, but to unify us through his infinite and perfect love.

Yes, I believe differently than the majority - I support marriage between a man and a woman, and I believe that God himself has asked men to hold his priesthood. Yes, there are doctrines of the LDS Church that I do not understand. But when I chose to be baptized into this Gospel ten years ago it served as a witness of my belief in a living prophet upon this Earth, and as I emerged from the water I covenanted with my Creator to sustain him as such. And in that same covenant I promised to bear the burdens of my Earthly brothers and sisters, mourn with them, and comfort them in their times of need.

To those of you who have been wounded by proclaimed Christians, I wish to apologize. For those of you that I may have hurt in my silence, or otherwise, I ask your forgiveness. We can have differences of belief and practice and be unified in our love and respect. To my gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and feminist friends: my arms and heart are open to you. I pray for your pains, and your burdens to be healed and lifted. I pray that my heart and mind can be even more open and compassionate toward you. Please know that I am not the only one, and we openly proclaim that you are always welcome; you are His, and therefore ours.

Love and Shoes

Yesterday, one of my friends expressed his confusion about why none of his ex's wanted to marry him, a thought which I think most of us have had. Unfortunately, there are a million reasons: timing, agency, preference, compatibility, fear, the list goes on. But what came to my mind was that selecting a spouse is a whole lot like selecting shoes.

I love shoes, but I don't just walk into DSW, grab whatever looks good, and take it home. Shoe shopping takes time, patience, precision and feeling. When I enter a store, I'm not only looking for something that looks good, but something that fits, and has the right price tag. Most importantly, the shoe needs to bring out some element of my personality; I need to love it. There are plenty of shoes that I think are cute, but just aren't me.

In my experience, dating is exactly the same. Someone may be attractive, and their personality may fit with mine, but there are some prices that I'm just not willing to pay - things I'm not willing to sacrifice - to make the relationship work. On the other hand, everything could be perfect on paper, the look, the fit and the cost, but something's just not there, even if I want it to be. Therefore, I'm convinced marriage takes an act of God. It's honestly as baffling to me as the creation of the world - just as I don't understand how the world came into being, I cannot fathom the strings God has to pull to get two people fall in love with each other - at the same time.

So in the mean time, it's all about hope. Not hope in a person, or a situation; but hope in the Lord. Hope that He knows not only what's best for us, but when it's best. I can't tell you how many times I've almost bought a pair of shoes, and walked out because I knew they were too expensive, and then came back months later only to find them 80% off. And that, my friends, remains the hardest part of singlehood: to trust that one day, that perfect pair, wrapped up with everything in it's proper place will appear.

808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

It Takes a Lady.

I know most days I'm a little harsh on the guys, so today, I would like to present a suggestion to all my ladies that, after much communication with several men, I feel will assist in project "Man-Up 2012."

However, before I get into this, let's get a couple things straight: I believe in woman's rights. I believe that we should have the right to vote, to own property, equal pay, and all other fun things that boys get to do. However, I also believe that we are different than men. For starters they're generally bigger, with deeper voices and more hair. Their ability to open jars and throw things really far is far superior to ours no matter what we do. Why? Probably because they're meant to hunt and kill things. Now, because I'm never going to be able to throw like Brett Favre am I less of a human? No way. Am I bent out of shape about it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would much rather have the strengths I'm predisposed to, the things that baffle my male counterparts: Intuition, emotional sensitivity,  faith - in the Lord, in life, and most importantly, in others.

Despite what society would tell us, the above qualities are what make a Woman. The media tells us that in order to be "Women" we have two choices: either be like men, or be physically appealing to them. We must become devoid of emotions, "over-thinking" and modesty. We should no longer care about the sacredness of procreative powers and learn to gain our self-worth from how "sexy" men perceive us to be. However, the price of this "sexual freedom" is our feminine identity. In order to fall in line with the world's bastardized definition of "Womanhood" we must abandon everything the Lord has created us to be. Instead of being soft, gentle, kind, full of hope, selfless and nurturing, we must become cold, hard, cynical, prideful, competitive, and desirable.

Now, I'm not sure where this idea came from...Shania Twain coloring her hair, doing what she dares...the Spice Girls telling us what they want, what they really really want....

....I don't know. But somewhere down the line, things got out of control. And here is where I would like to suggest that in order for Men to "man-up" maybe we need to "Woman-down" a bit. We all do it - build tough exteriors to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable and getting hurt. But this "tough-girl" act is, in a mild-sense, an attempt to desensitize the feminine gift of emotion that the Lord has given us. If we, instead of giving into cocky, sassy, borderline-"scarcastic" flirting, approached men with gentility, love, and meek confidence, we might be seen as less threatening and more approachable. Now, I don't know that this will work, but as the last 26 years has proved, the other route ain't workin' for me.

Therefore, I would like to issue a challenge to the women reading this: Woman-down, just a bit, and show the brethren in your life that you believe in them, that they're worth something more than they allow themselves to be. If anything, you and the men in your life, will better understand what it means to be a Woman of God. In closing, I want to leave a portion of a talk from my Bishop given to the sisters as an added call to bring back Womanhood.

Be refined, be lady-like, be feminine; in the way you act, in the way you talk, in the way you dress, in the way you interact with the brethren...don’t let the world or our society determine your standards, degrade you, or induce you to follow the pattern of men in any of these areas...

Much in the world in which we live would have you believe that you are less valuable, or at best, equal to men; that you are objects of desire and lust. I believe that you are far better than we men in so many ways. I repeat what I have observed, believed and taught, for many years: The only way women will ever be equal to men, is to lower themselves down to our level. Don’t do it. It is not who God created you to be. It is not your potential; it is not God’s design or destiny for you. We brethren need your strength; we need your contrasting softness and kindness, your faithfulness, your spirituality, your goodness and your godliness. 

Now go forth, and be Women.

In The Interim...

Lately I've been feeling a lot of things:

Inadequacy

Heartbreak

Homesickness

Discouragement

Fear

Overwhelment

Frustration

And all of that coupled with a highly active church calling and feeling like I'm behind at work leads to lots of over-thinking. Church today was definitely needed. I realized that regardless of all of the things that are going on in my life, despite all of the emotions that I'm feeling there is only one thing that matters: My relationship with the Savior. It is my anchor in the storm, and when there is too much to handle - and I can't even hold all of my tasks in one hand, let alone accomplish them all - if I, like Peter walking on the water, just keep my eyes on the Savior, I can accomplish miracles in the storms of my life. 

I used to see church as an inconvenience, 3 hours of meetings that I had to sit through. But now it's my refuge. Today I walked in "ready for bed." I was tired, beaten down, grumpy and completely antisocial. I have to admit that the thought of sitting through Sacrament talks was almost too much for me. But as each speaker spoke I felt life being slowly breathed back into my soul. My light, which had been dimmed by the world throughout the week, was being replenished by the Spirit. It was a magnificent feeling. And while I still felt tired, I also felt joy and light. 

The Gospel is my refuge from the storm, and each day I grow continually more and more grateful for it in my life. 

I painted this for a friend. It represents where I want to be...

 6 Yea, they shall not be beaten down by the storm at the last day; yea, neither shall they be harrowed up by the whirlwinds; but when the storm cometh they shall be gathered together in their place, that the storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry them.

 7 But behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day.

Deep Waters

I was thinking today about the Joseph Smith movie they show on Temple Square, and in it there's a scene where Emma is cleaning Joseph up after he's been tarred and feathered. She asks him how he can continually endure, not only their personal trials, but also the responsibility of leading a people who are under constant attack. He responds with "Some of us were just meant to swim in deep waters."

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. The last few weeks have been some of the busiest of my life and it seems as if all the independent elements of my life (work, church, personal) have all increased in responsibility. At first I was really excited about all the change, and I like responsibility so it was kinda fun. Then I started to realize how much I was actually being asked to do, and felt the burdens settling in. Now, when I start to feel overwhelmed, I feel like all my resources are being diminished and I enter hibernation mode. Literally. I stock up on chocolate and sleep as much as possible while I ride out the storm.

I thought the hedgehogs were appropriate... :)

However, this time I've realized that this survival tactic turns me inward, when in reality, I need to be turning upward, towards the Lord.


I've often marveled at the early Saints and their ability to continually carry on despite perpetually swimming in treacherously deep waters. What I've noticed is that their complete faith in the Atonement of the Savior, and God's perspective of them is what carried them through some of the most terrible conditions imaginable. When we're asked to do tasks that seem impossibly difficult, or time consuming, it is because not only does the Lord know that we are prepared for it, but also that it is time for us to grow. We've been far too complacent for far too long, and it's time to put on our big girl panties and step into the real world. These moments that seem so overwhelming are Heavenly Father's way of saying "Sarah, you think you know how important you are to my work, and that you understand the gifts that you've been working on so hard....but now look at what you can actually do." It reminds me of a CS Lewis quote my friend sent me on the mission:


"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."


What a tragedy that I have wasted these opportunities sitting in my room, simply because I am afraid of becoming burnt out. The Lord is accomplishing a great work with each of us individually, and though it hurts, each of those moments bring us closer to being with Him.

The Master's Touch

As I’ve been reading the New Testament this year I’ve been amazed at all of the healing that Christ did during His ministry. Today I was reading in Luke 6 when Christ heals a man with a withered hand, and I thought to myself “This man already had the faith to be healed; he is there in front of the Savior, waiting patiently, with his ailment, for his turn to feel the Master’s touch.” Then I wondered what it would be like if we could actually see the ailments that the Lord has healed in those around us; our friends, family, mere acquaintances. How differently would we treat them if we only knew their struggles? I personally have had those moments when the Savior’s touch was the only thing that could retrieve me from my own thoughts, and bring me back to light.

As I kept reading I noticed the small things the Savior asked this man to do, and realized that in all of His healings He gives a small command to the person being healed. In this case He asks the man to “Rise up, and stand forth in the midst,” and the man followed. Then, the Savior says “Stretch forth thy hand. And he did so: and his hand was restored whole as the other.” For each of our individual trials, struggles, and ailments – whether they are emotional or physical – the Lord gives us small commands, which bring us to the moment that we will be restored whole, complete. But we must prepare for this moment of perfection, because ultimately it is through these small acts of obedience that we attain it. It is in each of these individual moments that we reach out to the Savior, and seek to feel His touch, even if it is simply the hem of His robe. 

Let the Weak Say 'I am Strong'...

It's been forever, and there's so much on my mind, so I'll just go with the most prevalent of all the thoughts:

The Savior loves each of us with an incomprehensible amount of pure, unconditional love. It's a brand of love that has never come from any human I've ever associated with, and have never felt anywhere else other than in my quiet moments of prayer and pondering. And what's even more amazing still, is that this love comes even when I am broken down in the depths of despair because I know that I have let Him down. I've somewhere along the way stumbled and fallen off the path back to Him, and I'm so broken and bruised that I feel like I can't possibly make my way there. But He always appears, full of love and forgiveness, and without question, picks me up and carries me the rest of the way. He heals my wounds, no matter how deep. And fills me with peace and comfort. He lifts my burdens, calms the storms of life, and softens the harsh blows of the adversary.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior and Protector. No matter the degree of my mistakes, or the depth of my pain, He can and will always make it better. He is constant in His forgiveness, and ever patient with me. And for that I will forever serve Him.