Porn Shaming

In today's age of technology and social media, it has become astonishingly easy to not only make a cause known, but also to connect with those who share your opinion. Gone are the days of even creating your own arguments. Speaking for or against something in today's world is now as simple as hitting the "share" or "like" button. All we have to do is hold an opinion somewhere deep within ourselves, and then as we stumble upon a gem on our newsfeed, we need only hit a button  to wave the banner of our thought camp for all of our friends to see. And this whole time, we feel as if we're standing for something - as if we're making a difference. But sometimes I wonder if the difference that these social media messages are creating, especially regarding pornography, is the opposite of what we intended.

Research has shown that the average age of exposure to pornography is 11, and that almost every teenager will be exposed to pornography by the time they graduate high school. Studies have also shown that because of the lack of development in the pre-fontal cortex of the brain prior to age 21, adolescents are far more susceptible to move from habit, to compulsion, to addiction. Behavioral addiction researcher Mark Butler has stated that at their core, "all addictions are [just] maladaptive coping strategies," and that the average addict goes through 7 different treatment programs before one sticks. This is because when it comes down to it, alcoholism isn't about alcohol, eating compulsion isn't about food, and sexual addiction isn't about sex. All addictions are about escaping reality - whether it's to feel happier, more powerful, numb to pain, or just to escape life and be someone else for a while.

Taking all of this into consideration, we realize that what we're really looking at are individuals who are viewing pornography in an effort to hide or escape from deep and difficult emotions that have plagued them their entire lives. They are individuals that are hiding, and desperately reaching out for a helping hand; people like you and me who struggle with depression, anxiety, a history of abuse, and bullying. The difference is that their coping mechanism is not only less socially acceptable than a pan of brownies or Netflix marathon, but it has ensnared them and left many feeling hopeless. And that's the worst part, the entrapment. Those who use pornography to escape from real life, and have found themselves caught in the chains of addiction emerge to real life to find that it's worse and more painful than when they left it for their fantasy world, causing them to retreat even further. It's a psychological cycle that is near impossible to escape without professional help.

Anti-pornography campaign from Pornography Harms

Addiction is just that - addiction. Addicts can't "just stop," and are often teenagers and young adults who have, by no fault of their own, become caught in the trap of addiction. But that's not the message sent by today's anti-pornography campaigns. Instead these children, and emerging adults who may be yearning to escape from their addiction are bombarded with messages that correlate their struggle with extreme outcomes such as sexual violence, divorce, and erectile dysfunction. And what we fail to remember is that most of these individuals aren't sexual predators. They're just people like us, caught in a tangled web that they want to get out of. I fear that what we're creating is a culture of fear and shame, so that when one of these young individuals wants to reach out they feel as if they can't because they will be met with rejection, and judgement. To me, it appears to be a perfect storm for shaming our youth into hiding, especially those who are growing up with a strong value system against pornography.

I understand that some of these campaigns offer some amazing assistance programs for struggling individuals, but I rarely see those kinds of posts shared on my Newsfeed. We need a more open dialogue about addiction in general, and a better understanding of how it works, so that we can have true compassion when a loved one shares with us their struggles. We need to present a message of hope to those who are fighting this and extend open arms, and offer loving conversations. While I personally believe that pornography can become addictive, and has the potential to be destructive to relationships, I believe even more strongly that if we continue to create a culture of fear surrounding sexual addiction instead of love, openness and hope, we will have a more difficult time winning this battle. 

Breaking the Silence: The LGBT, Mormon Feminist Issue

This morning my heart is full. Full of sadness and sorrow, heartbreak, compassion, and love. When I was 18 I chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I chose it because I knew it was true. I had seen the guiding hand and loving concern of a Father in heaven reaching out to me and asking me to come to him. As I came to him I felt the cleansing and purifying power of the Atonement of his son Jesus Christ. I felt strength, power, and wholeness as I began to live my life striving everyday to be more like him. As I fought and struggled to find my footing in this new and unusual world of Mormonism I fell over and over again. Each time my Savior was there to wipe my tears, comfort me, and - when I was ready - carry me back to the path. Over time I began to learn to navigate the ins and outs of the culture, and I grew in the strength of the doctrines.

But soon I began to realize disconnects. The rose colored glasses of my conversion began to come off, and I saw reality. I saw hypocrisy, fear, betrayal, and even hate. I started to see the difference between the culture and the doctrine and I had to choose to lay my faith in Christ.

Eventually situations such as Proposition 8 arose, and I saw the divide of my friends. People that I had always loved spoke out in anger and hatred against me for the things that "my church" had done. I was hurt. I was torn. How could I stand and defend the doctrines that I had come to know were true and simultaneously come to the rescue of those that I loved so strongly? I did nothing.

Here I am nearly 6 years later still having not made a stand.

And the truth is that I know where I stand, I simply don't know how to express it. So this is my attempt. My attempt to say all of the feelings that are in my heart without sufficient words, context, power, tone and medium. Forgive me if I say something amiss, or if something is left un-clarified. I pray that those of you who know me will remember the great desire of my heart to embrace and protect others from suffering. Those of you who don't know me, please know I only wish to comfort and heal.

I believe that there is only one who can provide a satisfactory explanation for all parties, and it is on His side that I stand. The Lord Jesus Christ alone can explain the doctrines of His Gospel. They are not for me to change. With that said, the very doctrines that deem the priesthood to be held by every worthy male, and marriage to be between a man and a woman have commanded us to love. It is not suggested, we are not asked to merely tolerate or "play nice." We are commanded to love. Obedience to commandments is an agentive act. We choose love, or we choose anger, fear and hatred. Opening our hearts in compassion and acceptance is a choice and if we stand idly by we are just as guilty in our sin of omission. Remember that Christ suffered for all. Not so that we can be fearful and divided, but to unify us through his infinite and perfect love.

Yes, I believe differently than the majority - I support marriage between a man and a woman, and I believe that God himself has asked men to hold his priesthood. Yes, there are doctrines of the LDS Church that I do not understand. But when I chose to be baptized into this Gospel ten years ago it served as a witness of my belief in a living prophet upon this Earth, and as I emerged from the water I covenanted with my Creator to sustain him as such. And in that same covenant I promised to bear the burdens of my Earthly brothers and sisters, mourn with them, and comfort them in their times of need.

To those of you who have been wounded by proclaimed Christians, I wish to apologize. For those of you that I may have hurt in my silence, or otherwise, I ask your forgiveness. We can have differences of belief and practice and be unified in our love and respect. To my gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and feminist friends: my arms and heart are open to you. I pray for your pains, and your burdens to be healed and lifted. I pray that my heart and mind can be even more open and compassionate toward you. Please know that I am not the only one, and we openly proclaim that you are always welcome; you are His, and therefore ours.

Please Exit the Ride to Your Left

Well hey! How's it going? Long time no see....I missed you! I feel like I've been on the Matterhorn and lived to tell the tale. Now, I know you have questions. It's why you're here. The good news is that I have answers, so let's just get those out of the way.

1. Aren't you in Washington?

Actually, I'm not. I went, I really did. I have speeding tickets from Montana, Oregon and Idaho to prove it. But try as I might the Lord had other plans, so here I am back in Utah. I'm living in Provo which is.....fine. Unfortunately my position at Highland Chiropractic had already been filled so I've acquired a job down here at Carrabba's Italian Whatever and am currently awaiting the start of summer semester at BYU. Which leads us directly into question 2....

2. So no Hawaii!?

Nope, no Hawaii. And in all honesty, the details of how I know and why are all wrapped up into hours of conversations with God. Suffice it to say I'm where I'm supposed to be and I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me and not only gives me what I need, but sometimes also what I want. 

3. Are you dating a boy?

Yes. Yes I am. And I like him. He's 21 (bringing me to a status of Cougar²), majoring in Criminal Justice at UVU, makes me laugh, has a beard and loves the Lord. If you would like further details you're more than welcome to take me to lunch. 

So now that we're all caught up, let me tell you what I've learned over the last month and a half:

God Loves Me.

I say it all the time with meaning and belief, but this time I felt it. I felt something akin to what Abraham must have felt as he was asked to climb to the top of Mount Moriah to sacrifice his only son; emotions similar to those he felt as he told Issac what God had commanded and watched as he willingly laid himself upon the altar, followed by the conflict of pure faith and pain within his heart as he raised his knife to slay his only son. 

What I learned was that at this moment, when Abraham raises his knife, he is not building his faith in God. At this point Abraham's faith has already become knowledge or God would've never required something so dramatic. He realizes that the only knowledge that is sure is that that is founded in God. All Abraham needed to know was that God was not only real, but his father. And with that knowledge we witness a complete surrender of Abraham's will, accompanied with his dependence on God's omniscience. Abraham doesn't know the outcome of this situation, he doesn't know how he's going to walk back down the mountain and explain to Sarah that he has sacrificed the son that they waited a century for - the only child they'll ever have - or perhaps how to even continue life knowing that he killed his own son. But what Abraham did know was that God loved him and no matter what happened everything would not only be ok, but would be for his benefit. God wasn't testing Abraham's faith, he was making him like Himself.

To be god-like is to be selfless, fearless and willing. And to get to that point we must know that God has all knowledge, and it is through these experiences of sacrifice and trial that we come to understand not just that he knows best, but that he simply knows. As we come to the end of these hardships we emerge from the darkness to see that we have become a bit more like him; we see things a little more clearly from his perspective, and ultimately become more accepting of his will. 

So yes, it's been a roller coaster. The last month and an half has been nothing short of a Molotov Cocktail of emotion, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Best Worst Pep Talk Ever

Seriously, this is how I feel. But despite the significant lack of social life and huge influx of all-nighters, I still managed to pick up some dating insight along the way. Therefore, I give you: The best worst pep talk ever.

About 2 weeks ago I called one of my friends for a favor and next thing I know I'm getting a dating pep talk - which is exactly what we all need the week before finals...? I'm not gonna lie, the delivery was terrible, but I was magically able to navigate my way through it and glean some truths. It's honestly been very influential over the past few weeks, and I'm exceptionally grateful for the person who gave it to me. Below you will find excerpts of the talk, immediately followed by my interpretation of each principle. These are direct quotes from an actual phone conversation.

1. "Next thing you know you're realizing another one of God's children doesn't love you" 

Translation: Dating is naturally going to come with rejection. However, rejection is better than never knowing because it is the only way to move forward. Sitting around in fear that someone might not share your feelings is just making you more discouraged, so get up, face your fears and get rejected so you can move on and find the person who will love you.

2. "Put all your eggs in one basket, and the next day you're watching 'em float down the river" - 

Translation: Options are a good thing. Putting too much stock in one situation is basically the express lane to disappointment. Obviously this is not an excuse to play the field, and options should be limited to your emotional capacity - the deeper the commitment, the more "eggs" in the basket. Flirting is the process of collecting baskets. If they stick around, try adding an egg. The process of placing an (note the singularity of the article here) egg in a basket can be likened to dating, and as the commitment to one person grows, slowly remove eggs from other baskets to put into that basket. Otherwise, keep your eggs to yourself until you've moved into the dating phase.

3. "If you breed a thousand rabbits expecting to sell them as food, you'll just end up alone with a lot of rabbits" 

Translation: If you spend your time idealizing a person and the potential for your future happiness, you may end up either a.) psyching yourself out so much that you never even act, or b.) becoming sorely disappointed when the person doesn't live up to your expectations. Therefore, moving quickly towards actual dates gives you the knowledge you need to decide if this relationship is something you want to continue to pursue.

4. "You'll just be sitting on the sidelines watching people who are no braver than you, happily in relationships" 

Translation: Happy relationships don't happen to the pretty/skinny/funny/successful people, they happen to people who are willing to push themselves out of their comfort zones. Love comes from risk. Sometimes it ends in failure - in some of our cases it seems to always end in failure - but if we keep pushing ourselves just a little more each day, in everything that we do, success is inevitable.

Love and Shoes

Yesterday, one of my friends expressed his confusion about why none of his ex's wanted to marry him, a thought which I think most of us have had. Unfortunately, there are a million reasons: timing, agency, preference, compatibility, fear, the list goes on. But what came to my mind was that selecting a spouse is a whole lot like selecting shoes.

I love shoes, but I don't just walk into DSW, grab whatever looks good, and take it home. Shoe shopping takes time, patience, precision and feeling. When I enter a store, I'm not only looking for something that looks good, but something that fits, and has the right price tag. Most importantly, the shoe needs to bring out some element of my personality; I need to love it. There are plenty of shoes that I think are cute, but just aren't me.

In my experience, dating is exactly the same. Someone may be attractive, and their personality may fit with mine, but there are some prices that I'm just not willing to pay - things I'm not willing to sacrifice - to make the relationship work. On the other hand, everything could be perfect on paper, the look, the fit and the cost, but something's just not there, even if I want it to be. Therefore, I'm convinced marriage takes an act of God. It's honestly as baffling to me as the creation of the world - just as I don't understand how the world came into being, I cannot fathom the strings God has to pull to get two people fall in love with each other - at the same time.

So in the mean time, it's all about hope. Not hope in a person, or a situation; but hope in the Lord. Hope that He knows not only what's best for us, but when it's best. I can't tell you how many times I've almost bought a pair of shoes, and walked out because I knew they were too expensive, and then came back months later only to find them 80% off. And that, my friends, remains the hardest part of singlehood: to trust that one day, that perfect pair, wrapped up with everything in it's proper place will appear.

Don't be a lumper.

Lately the phrases "when you least expect it" and "when you're not looking for it" have been kicking around in my little Sarah brain where they've been met with sarcasm and reality checks. Which we all know leads to a blog...

First, I asked myself: "when was the last time I expected marriage?" I'm rounding the corner to 27 (which is not old b.t.w...), and I've been un-relationshipped for a little over 3 years now. I think at this point in my life I look cute and flirt with boys just for fun. Not that I'm never interested, but - in the least bitter, cynical way possible - I'm not sure I'm ever really expecting anything when I do it anymore. 

And second: are any of my single friends out there not looking for marriage? Didn't think so. That would be contradictory to both our hormones and the prophet.

These conclusions only lead me to the question: what point are these people trying to make?

I think it has something to do with purpose. The life of singlehood is like walking a tight-rope of time management. You can't just sit around waiting for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet - at some point you need to get off your little bum and make progression in your life. Purpose, direction and service are what make you feel whole. Lumping around in your house waiting for love to knock on your door is going to make you just as sad as it sounds. On the other hand, you can't be filling your life so full that there isn't time or space for someone in it. Those phrases we hear all the time are just small reminders for us to do something with ourselves and enjoy the journey. Being single in your mid-20's and early 30's is a great opportunity to learn about yourself and serve others. And it is in that process that we find happiness, whether marriage comes along or not. 

Why I Believe

Today marks 8 years since the day I was baptized into the LDS Church. I keep feeling like I've added wrong because it can't possibly have been that long. Some days I feel like I'm still so behind in terms of the Gospel, and other days it feels like I've had it my whole life. There are times that I can't remember what it's like to live without it, and there are days that I remember all too vividly. Some of you have only known me as "Sarah the Mormon," and some of you have seen both sides, but I feel like whether you're LDS or not, the question always remains - Why do I believe?

I'm 26 and I don't drink, smoke, partake in any form of illicit drugs, or believe in premarital sex. Here in Utah it feels a little bit easier because there seem to be more people striving for the same things. But regardless of the fact that there are so many millions of us who all believe the same, if you asked every last Mormon on the planet why they believed what they did, you would get just as many different answers.

For me, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only constant in my life. Everything in our lives is conditional, inconsistent and temporal. It can all change within minutes. Even the stablest, most meaningful of relationships can crumble based on a person's choices. The Gospel, however, is Christ-centered. It is pure unaltered truth, and revolves around Him and His eternal teachings. Therefore, when life becomes convoluted and uncertain,  I have a sure foundation to hold on to.

I've heard plenty of arguments about weak individuals needing to believe in God, and their inability to believe in the power of the Human Spirit; but because I believe in God, I have reason to believe in the power of the Human Spirit. It gives me reason to push through hardship and pain. If I believe that an all-knowing all-powerful being knows the ins and outs of my weaknesses and still chooses to love me, then I have reason to be the person He sees in me. It also gives me a desire to do the same for others, and reach to bring Heaven a little bit closer each day.

I choose to live a life of faith, optimism, perspective and progression, all of which the doctrines of the LDS church encourage. None of these things make me perfect or without fault, but they bring me joy. I've experienced happiness, but with eternal perspective and the teachings of Christ, I have true joy.

808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

It Takes a Lady.

I know most days I'm a little harsh on the guys, so today, I would like to present a suggestion to all my ladies that, after much communication with several men, I feel will assist in project "Man-Up 2012."

However, before I get into this, let's get a couple things straight: I believe in woman's rights. I believe that we should have the right to vote, to own property, equal pay, and all other fun things that boys get to do. However, I also believe that we are different than men. For starters they're generally bigger, with deeper voices and more hair. Their ability to open jars and throw things really far is far superior to ours no matter what we do. Why? Probably because they're meant to hunt and kill things. Now, because I'm never going to be able to throw like Brett Favre am I less of a human? No way. Am I bent out of shape about it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would much rather have the strengths I'm predisposed to, the things that baffle my male counterparts: Intuition, emotional sensitivity,  faith - in the Lord, in life, and most importantly, in others.

Despite what society would tell us, the above qualities are what make a Woman. The media tells us that in order to be "Women" we have two choices: either be like men, or be physically appealing to them. We must become devoid of emotions, "over-thinking" and modesty. We should no longer care about the sacredness of procreative powers and learn to gain our self-worth from how "sexy" men perceive us to be. However, the price of this "sexual freedom" is our feminine identity. In order to fall in line with the world's bastardized definition of "Womanhood" we must abandon everything the Lord has created us to be. Instead of being soft, gentle, kind, full of hope, selfless and nurturing, we must become cold, hard, cynical, prideful, competitive, and desirable.

Now, I'm not sure where this idea came from...Shania Twain coloring her hair, doing what she dares...the Spice Girls telling us what they want, what they really really want....

....I don't know. But somewhere down the line, things got out of control. And here is where I would like to suggest that in order for Men to "man-up" maybe we need to "Woman-down" a bit. We all do it - build tough exteriors to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable and getting hurt. But this "tough-girl" act is, in a mild-sense, an attempt to desensitize the feminine gift of emotion that the Lord has given us. If we, instead of giving into cocky, sassy, borderline-"scarcastic" flirting, approached men with gentility, love, and meek confidence, we might be seen as less threatening and more approachable. Now, I don't know that this will work, but as the last 26 years has proved, the other route ain't workin' for me.

Therefore, I would like to issue a challenge to the women reading this: Woman-down, just a bit, and show the brethren in your life that you believe in them, that they're worth something more than they allow themselves to be. If anything, you and the men in your life, will better understand what it means to be a Woman of God. In closing, I want to leave a portion of a talk from my Bishop given to the sisters as an added call to bring back Womanhood.

Be refined, be lady-like, be feminine; in the way you act, in the way you talk, in the way you dress, in the way you interact with the brethren...don’t let the world or our society determine your standards, degrade you, or induce you to follow the pattern of men in any of these areas...

Much in the world in which we live would have you believe that you are less valuable, or at best, equal to men; that you are objects of desire and lust. I believe that you are far better than we men in so many ways. I repeat what I have observed, believed and taught, for many years: The only way women will ever be equal to men, is to lower themselves down to our level. Don’t do it. It is not who God created you to be. It is not your potential; it is not God’s design or destiny for you. We brethren need your strength; we need your contrasting softness and kindness, your faithfulness, your spirituality, your goodness and your godliness. 

Now go forth, and be Women.

Men.

I remember once asking "At what age do boys become men?" Since that time, I've realized that the transition from Boy to Man is not determined by the amount of years, but by experiences. And it is by these experiences that each boy is then presented with what I like to call "Man Cards." Man Cards are more like an expansion pack than a deck, with varying themes which can be mixed and matched to create a full hand. Theoretical packs may include, but are not limited to:

• The Handy Man: Great at fixing all car/household needs
• The Ladies Man: Knows his role in all courting formalities
• The Business Man: Strives to build a life of stability for his loved ones
• The Family Man: Prioritizes life with wife and children at the top.
• The Man in Charge: Decisive and confident, yet yielding and humble. 

Now, of course, each pack comes with various cards, which - when tasks are accomplished, or habits or lifestyles created - are given to said boy/man. The expansion pack which I would like to discuss in depth today, is what I would like to call: The Ultimate Man.

Over Thanksgiving I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my brother (who, in my mind, is still 17), has been rapidly collecting his man cards. Part of this I attribute to my father, the manliest man I know, and the other part I attribute to his prosthetic leg (pictured right). About 4 years ago my brother was in a traumatic accident which took 6 inches of his left leg. For any 21 yr old, this could be a pretty traumatic experience, but Alex fought hard to overcome all the emotional and physical aspects of his injury. Today, most people don't even know there's anything wrong until the first time he slams his shin on tool box without wincing. Throughout his experiences he's adopted the mantra "I am not handicapped" which is not limited to physicality. My brother refuses to be handicapped in any area of his life. If something needs to be done, he does it, with no excuses.

Alex is also the epitome of a "Protector." He will make sure all of your needs are taken care of, and he takes his responsibility as provider very seriously. He is not above making you breakfast in bed, telling you he loves you, or listening to you cry, because he knows that's what you need. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, he is also going to protect you in every way possible: finding food, fixing your car, providing shelter, and threatening to bash in the heads of careless boys who demolish your heart. In a few short years of life, he's realized that being a man is about accepting responsibility, not projecting it on others.

It was a little startling to realize my little brother was all grown up, but more than anything it was eye-opening to realize that the characteristics he encompasses are the characteristics I look for in the men that I date. There are plenty of Man Cards that are nice to have around (i.e. The Oil Change, Successful Job, Orders His Date's Food, etc...), but the ones that I feel are pivotal in my "Am I going to date this guy" process, come from The Ultimate Man category. They are learned traits of a man who is comfortable enough in his manhood, to strive for traits that could be perceived as less manly. While confidence, decisiveness, and a dash of "Cro-Magnon" mentality can be initially very attractive, it's exceptionally comforting to know that your man can be humble, meek, and "easy to be entreated."

Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys

Obviously gauged ears are super hot...

Thank you Brandon Boyd for being beautiful.

...but I decided that there was probably more to it than that and it was probably wise to figure it out. Then I also decided that I should probably impart my insight to the world. So here it is: Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys (to be abbreviated hereafter as NLGs...). And I apologize for the generalizations. These aren't facts, just observations from my life.

1. They show interest
For some unknown reason, all the LDS guys that have ever liked me, have never said anything. I find out way too late to do anything and always from some mutual friend. And in most cases I always think "I would've totally gone out with him!" NLGs are straight up about it from the get-go.

2. They know what a date is
When NLGs are interested, they ask me out to get to know me better. When LDS guys are interested, they have to form new social situations to see me in action so they can get to know me casually so that they can figure out if they want to date me. Dates are to get to know people so you can decide if you want to date them, not a trap door to marriage.

3. They respect my boundaries
One of the problems with dating within the Church is that everyone has a different set of "rules" when it comes to dating and making out. I pretty much wrote the book on conservative dating, and therefore, with LDS guys, my views are often mocked instead of respected. NLGs on the other hand, do whatever it takes to be with me, and if that means certain rules of engagement during cuddling or making out, then so be it.

4. They understand a good thing
I think that most LDS males have an overabundance of phenomenal women in their lives. So many, that they start to think that it's normal. However, I can't tell you how many of my NLG friends have said "I'm just so ready to find a good girl..." and that's the truth. Once they see a girl who is focused, faithful and full of hope, optimism and happiness, they recognize that it's an anomaly and not the standard.

5. They just do
I feel like the thought process in their head is something like this:


*Sees cute girl* Hottie! *approaches girl and engages in conversation* She's funny! *more conversation* And smart! *more conversation* Dude, I gotta get her number...*number attained*

Most of my LDS buddies talk the relationship through eternity and realize all the flaws with the marriage before they even get the girls' number. Seriously dude, tone it down. Take her on a date... It's just a date.


Now obviously there are other reasons why I'm attracted to these guys, for the most part, they're genuine, sincere, men with good hearts and plenty of drive and chivalry. But the reasons why I consider dating them more frequently than LDS guys can be summed up in the above 5 reasons. So in conclusion:

Don't Mess.

Everything in life is about balance: Be confident but not prideful; be humble but not a doormat; indulge every once in a while but always be in control; express how you feel but don't be irrational; not everyone needs to know everything but be honest in all your dealings....it makes it hard to know where the line is, and takes constant course correction. 


If I were to be described in terms of personality tests The Color Code says I'm a Blue/White, Meyers-Briggs calls me the INFJ Counselor; and Kiersey labels me as an Idealist. Basically, I'm a lover and a feeler. It's what I do. I love without conditions, trust cautiously, strive to be nothing but genuine with people, and I value integrity higher than any other virtue. In theory this all sounds really great and noble, but occasionally it can be perceived as naive and soft.


But I don't love out of naivety. I love out of choice. I see the deceit and wickedness of the world and choose to love anyway. I know that most people don't prize integrity as much as I do, and everyone has different perceptions of what's acceptable behavior. We've all been raised in different realities, and have different belief systems of how to live our lives. And in the face of all of those facts, loving everyone unconditionally and without cause leaves you looking like an easy target, or a necessity for coddling. Therefore, I believe that while love is given freely, trust should be given sparingly.


Because of the status of the world and how much I've been burned in the past, I trust very conditionally. Based mostly on intuition and continuous honesty: if you can tell me I should probably not wear that dress, and that you hate it when I whistle, your trust factor goes up. BS makes my top 5 pet peeve list. Honesty shows respect.


I am 25, I have life experience and have seen and been through situations that have shaped me into, what I would consider, a relatively rational, mature adult. I see reality for what it is, I simply choose not to sink to its level. I choose to tow the line of realism and optimism; being thick-skinned and soft-hearted; and loving without restraint in a world of filth and sorrow despite the consequences. 

Just let it go...

I used to think unrequited love was the worst thing imaginable. I've since proven myself wrong. Self-forbidden love is far worse. Attraction is a principle that I don't think I'll ever understand. Why is Susie attracted to Billy when Billy's attracted to Janie? Better yet, why are Bill and Mary attracted to each other when Bill likes to drink beer and Mary wants to be married in the temple? I have no idea. Here is where I would like to add the disclaimer that I am, by no means, listening to Dashboard and screaming at the heavens while slashing at my wrists. I'm actually quite far from that place. This here post is simply a step back from years of mutual attraction between me and men I shouldn't date, to look at what has come of all of it. And here's what I've gleaned:

Sacrifice for future progression.

In the past, I tried really hard to make each of these situations work. Sarah meets Boy and thinks he's attractive, but carries on with life. One day Boy makes a move and Sarah remembers that sometimes boys like her. Mutual interest is born. Sarah and Boy know that it's unfair to try to make relationship work, but Sarah remains secretly hopeful and falls anyway. Hard. Followed by pain. The end.

However, this last time around, I've realized a couple things:
1. I love Jesus
2. I want family built on a solid Gospel foundation
3. In order to have a Christ-centered home, I must have a Christ-centered husband.

And for some reason, despite facts 1 & 2, I cannot find a freakin #3. For some unknown reason I'm not typically attracted to LDS guys, and for probably the same reason, they're not really attracted to me. It's strange, I know, but true. So this last time, instead of throwing myself emotionally into a trainwreck of the heart, I've decided to sacrifice what I want right now, for what I really want - an eternal family.

It's probably one of the most torturous thing I've ever done to myself. But, I know that sometimes the Lord is already handing us the blessings we want, but we are way to occupied with the mediocrity we happen to be clinging to. Let's hope this is the case.....or else....

Just kidding. When I typed "Just let it go" into Google this is what came up. How could I say no to the Angel of Death? Look how cute he is...see what I mean? Always attracted to the dark ones.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...

Or I'm Mormon. So not really.

Let's talk about NCMOs. You all know you've had one. Even those of us who try to pass it off by dating someone we really don't like and continuously telling them (and yourself) that "you still want to give them a chance even though you're not committed because you, in all actuality, don't know".... regardless of the fact that all you do is make out with them....yeah, you know. You know deep in the recesses of your conscience that you're just in it for the lip action.

Those of you who know me, know that I don't believe in NCMOs. Mostly because I don't believe in hurting others, or knowingly thrusting myself into heartache. And let's face it, no one has ever come out of one of those unscathed. At the very least, you feel dirty and used, and even if you weren't interested, the moment you're done it's a freakin race to get the hottest boyfriend possible before he shows up with America's next top model.

With all that being said, there's lots of boy talk and making out flying around our house these days, and it's making me itch just a little...or a lot. But regardless of how much I wanna put my tally on that white board (honestly, who does that!?...) becoming a lesser human being by abasing my morals and giving in to some lustful desire that's just going to leave me feeling crappy at the end anyway, is totally not worth it.

So in the mean time, I'll be over here. With my self-imposed hyper-chaste morals keeping me warm at night.

Chocolate or Vanilla?

So I've been thinking....about dating. It's a lot like food.

I really love brussel sprouts. I also really love sushi, broccoli, eggplant, dark chocolate, squash in all its varieties, chicken hearts, olives, mushrooms....the list goes on.

But I really detest Jello. Hate it. I mean seriously....look:

In nature bright colors = poisonous

Agh! .....oh......oh ew...

Why is this bedded in arugala!?

This recipe exists. I own the cookbook.
(Not funny mom.)

It's milky....and white....with colored chunks?

And if it's not disgusting enough by itself....

But I digress....

I also don't like french fries, maraschino cherries, coffee flavoring, mint in my chocolate, bleu cheese, salmon, and in general I'm EXTREMELY selective about my hamburgers.

Now, this isn't about my tastebuds, so stop being outraged. Just because I don't like those things doesn't mean that they're bad (Except Jello). And just because I like the other things, doesn't mean that they're good, it just means I like them. It's a matter of preference.

Dating is the same. It's all a matter of preference. I like tall guys with dark hair. I also like them super confident, slightly sassy, and exceptionally smart, cause let's face it...I need to be put in my place :) However, this doesn't mean that nobody ever likes smaller, quiet, shy guys. In fact, it doesn't mean that I don't like them. It just means that I prefer the other one. It's what I'm attracted to. But, just like my tastebuds, I can change over time. Sometimes even if I'm not initially attracted to a guy, he grows on me and my preference changes, and sometimes it doesn't. 

So people, what I'm trying to say is: when I say that I want the vanilla ice cream instead of the chocolate, it's not because the chocolate sucks (we all know that's not true). It's because I prefer it. And when the cute boy I like decides to go for the younger, more petite, lots of eyeliner girl, it's not because she's better than me, it's because she's different, and that different happens to be his vanilla.