One Less Lonely Girl...

I got into a pretty heated discussion about dating and "the Lord's timing" a couple weeks ago. It was the usual: Girls complaining about not being asked on dates, Guys complaining about girls complaining, and everyone coming to the same resolutions "Well, there really aren't any answers," and "It'll all happen in the Lord's time."

First of all, let's talk about there not being any answers. Really!? Marriage is a commandment, the highest ordinance one can receive in this life. Eternal families are the whole reason we're here. Plus, with how often we get the marriage talk, do you really think that the Lord is going to leave us with zero answers?  Go ahead...think about it...

Didn't think so.

So for those of you sitting around wondering "Why am I still single?" let me give you my 2 cents: I believe that we all need to form our own "Dating Identity."

Story time!
Once upon a time I had a roommate who consistently had at least 5 different suitors at a time. I, on the other hand, had none. So in order the gain the attention of the male population, I would observe the behaviors of said fair maiden and try to mimic her actions. When I did this, not only did I feel like I was living a lie, but my efforts were completely unsuccessful, because we were 2 entirely different people. However, there were still 2 undeniable facts:

1. I had no dates
2. She had lots

But when I was trying to be like her, my efforts were failing miserably. Why? Well, because I wasn't her. She had the gift to be sincerely interested in everything about everyone. Plus, she had the hair flipping, arm touching and cute laughing all perfectly timed to the millisecond. I didn't have any of that, in fact, my strengths are completely different....not to mention I'm not really good at timing the hair flip/lip lick/cute giggle thing.....

So how was I supposed to get a boy's attention!?

Always distracted by food....

Well, I realized that she didn't actually have anything special, she just knew how be her "shiniest" self. Which meant all I really needed to do was harness the most comfortable, confident, out-going Sarah that existed. So I took a self assessment, and found my shiny alter-ego: witty, sassy, side-smile, squeeze-his-bicep Sarah.

The end.

Good story huh? :)

Basically, when we say we have no answers, it's because we think we need to be or say or do something that feels very unlike us. But in all reality, you need to be, say and do things that are 100% you. So figure out who your flirting alter-ego is and run with it. And in case you care, here's my 3-part formula for flirting comfortability:

1. Recognize your own talents and gifts - These are tools the Lord has given you, as you grow and develop them, your confidence around people grows because you feel like you have something to offer.
2.Do whatever it is you need to do to feel attractive - not be attractive, that's subjective. If you feel attractive, you're going to look attractive, and vice versa.
3. Forward momentum - You have to make some kind of movement. Fate doesn't exist, and God doesn't bless the lazy or the stupid. Get out of your comfort zone and make the magic happen.

Which brings me to "it's all in the Lord's timing," need I refer you all to President Uchtdorf's talk on Patience yet again?

"...Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results don’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears... It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed."

Thank you Dieter, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, if we apply this to dating, I ask you:

Are you doing all you can to pursue marriage? If not, stop complaining and ask the Lord what else you can do. If you are, you shouldn't be complaining anyway.

In The Interim...

Lately I've been feeling a lot of things:

Inadequacy

Heartbreak

Homesickness

Discouragement

Fear

Overwhelment

Frustration

And all of that coupled with a highly active church calling and feeling like I'm behind at work leads to lots of over-thinking. Church today was definitely needed. I realized that regardless of all of the things that are going on in my life, despite all of the emotions that I'm feeling there is only one thing that matters: My relationship with the Savior. It is my anchor in the storm, and when there is too much to handle - and I can't even hold all of my tasks in one hand, let alone accomplish them all - if I, like Peter walking on the water, just keep my eyes on the Savior, I can accomplish miracles in the storms of my life. 

I used to see church as an inconvenience, 3 hours of meetings that I had to sit through. But now it's my refuge. Today I walked in "ready for bed." I was tired, beaten down, grumpy and completely antisocial. I have to admit that the thought of sitting through Sacrament talks was almost too much for me. But as each speaker spoke I felt life being slowly breathed back into my soul. My light, which had been dimmed by the world throughout the week, was being replenished by the Spirit. It was a magnificent feeling. And while I still felt tired, I also felt joy and light. 

The Gospel is my refuge from the storm, and each day I grow continually more and more grateful for it in my life. 

I painted this for a friend. It represents where I want to be...

 6 Yea, they shall not be beaten down by the storm at the last day; yea, neither shall they be harrowed up by the whirlwinds; but when the storm cometh they shall be gathered together in their place, that the storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry them.

 7 But behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day.

3 Tips for Hitting on Me

After Brother Healey's testimony Sunday, you're probably looking for some pointers anyway right? Now, I'm not saying this is a guide for picking up on any and all women. All opinions expressed in the following post are expressly those of Sarah A. Murray, and as such, no other females should be held responsible for said opinions. And since I did no conferring with any of my friends about this, if you're female and you disagree with anything said or have more to add, please feel free to comment :)

Tip #1: Sincere Compliments

Anytime a guy starts off with "You have amazing eyes" or "You're beautiful," I'm immediately turned off. Look, I can tell if you think I'm attractive, and if you're flirting with me those are both givens. So let's just...skip the obvious. Plus, not only did you use that line on the last girl you hit on, but how deep in the crevices of your itty bitty little cranium did you have to dig for that one? How about you get to know me, and use some creativity? Plus, you're a goober.

What's a sincere creative compliment you ask? Well, the other night during a conversation a guy told me that I fascinate him. Umm....win. Why? Let me think for a second about things that "fascinate" me: the human mind, anatomy, the artistic process, psychology, dynamics between differing cultures and how they interact, the Creation of the World. The definition of fascinate is "to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality." Do I want to be fascinating? Heck. Yes.

Now, let me also insert here that I actually really enjoy being told that I'm beautiful. I don't even mind being told that I look sexy (I think foxy was my favorite...), however, it's all based on the timing of the compliment. I want my beauty to be all encompassing. I pride myself on my intelligence, humor, confidence, integrity, compassion and most importantly my testimony of the Savior. Looks don't even make my list. When you say that I'm beautiful, I want you to think all of me is beautiful. And frankly, if you drop it within 3 minutes of knowing me, I don't care to hear what else you have to say. 

Tip #2: Nerves are good

I love when a boy is nervous. Not in a sadistic way, or because I think I'm awesome; I just feel like nervousness is the epitome of sincerity. I love when you're walking around trying to get the gumption to sit next to me, or talk to me, or when you avoid eye contact because you're trying to calm yourself down. Personally, the nervous laugh is my favorite, it's like you're trying to laugh the butterflies out so that you can just be suave. Don't be suave, it's terribly unattractive. Be nervous, it's genuine. You don't even have to say the right thing because just by being nervous you've pretty much secured yourself a date. 


Tip #3: Be Transparent
When I like a boy, I try to do everything I can to make sure that he doesn't know that I like him....real Jr. High Sarah. What am I accomplishing with that? The exact opposite of what I want to accomplish, that's what. Basically, it's imperative that non-verbally you're transparent with me. 


Example:
Recently I was in a small social setting with a particular boy, and when he would say something funny he would look at me to make sure I was laughing. Once he saw I was, he'd smile really big. I could see that he was giving himself a little pep talk before each comment, and a pat on the back after each corresponding laugh....which was pretty adorable. Plus, it was obvious that he just wanted to see me smile. 


He was trying to impress me, not in the egotistical "I killed a shark with my bare hands" kind of way, but in the adorable "I'm hoping my quirks strengths are enough" way. Most of the time I fall for someone in the moments when I see something hidden that they haven't played up because they don't see it as a strength. When they're not trying to be anything. Just know it's a good thing that I know that you like me. 


My dear male blogstalkers, I know I give you a hard time a lot, and I apologize for having previously done so. However, I hope that you will accept these tips as a peace offering and go forth, armed with new found knowledge to woo the wonderful women in your life.

To the Boys

And boys you shall remain until you can follow these simple rules of engagement (no pun intended).

This weekend I went on a double date. And while it was completely out of the blue and extremely thrown together last minute, it was the best date of my life. Why you ask?

                                           

Midnight Capture the Flag with Nerf Guns

How could that be more awesome!? That's right, it can't.

And this superbly fantastic date got me thinking about some things. So here we go. Boys, pay close attention.

Dating do: Spontaneity. Last minute is cute, endearing, fun and really exciting. Especially for someone like me who has their life completely mapped out to the minute. I welcome distractions.

However, let me tell you about the experience I had the following day:

 Boy is texting me and asks what I'm doing that night. I tell him I'm going to the Bee's game and he says "You should ditch it and come on a date with me." I figure I could be persuaded, so I ask him what we're gonna do and he responds with "Eat food. Whatever you like doing."

What!? No.

Dating don't: Do not play the "ball is in your court" game. When it comes to planning dates, keep the ball. The ball is yours, do not pass it! Remember that you're wooing us. Your job is to make me feel special. My job is to laugh a lot, look/smell really good, continuously touch your elbow/knee/hand, lick my lips and look at you longingly until you want to kiss me. See, the dating game is more like football than tennis. Let's break it down to make sure we all understand:

We start off with our passing game:
You see girl and smile: the ball has been passed
She smiles: She's passed it back!
You approach girl and begin talking:
*Ball is passed back and forth as conversation ensues....*
You ask for her number: Passed the ball
She gives you her number: She passes it back


You now have the ball. Don't give it up. We've moved to the running game: no lateral passes, no fumbling. You are the running back. You cling to that ball like it is your child and you run with it until you cannot run anymore. Now that you've planned the date and she's accepted, we're back to the passing game:

You pick her up: Ball passed
She flirts and is a quality date the entire time....
*important, she still has the ball*
At some point, either vocally or via text, she thanks you and openly encourages a second date: Ball passed back to you.

You now have the ball and we're back to the running game. Now, if you choose, run with it until you can't run anymore.

Women want to feel special. We want to feel like you thought about us. You'll notice that both instances were last minute, in fact, Date #1 had much less time to plan than Date #2 did, but the difference is that he made a decision, and there is something absolutely sexy about a man who makes decisions. It shows confidence. Had Date #2 responded with something like "Don't worry about it, I'll make it worth it. How about 7:00?" I would've laughed, shaken my head and said "Ok :)" (See how I did that with the texting smiley? That's a good sign.)

So what have we learned here? 

1. Girls want to feel special
2. Girls expect boys to make decisions
3. Until boys start making decisions, they will remain boys.

Please direct any hatemail to sarah@boysshouldmakemoredecisions.com and have a great day! :)