3 Tips for Hitting on Me

After Brother Healey's testimony Sunday, you're probably looking for some pointers anyway right? Now, I'm not saying this is a guide for picking up on any and all women. All opinions expressed in the following post are expressly those of Sarah A. Murray, and as such, no other females should be held responsible for said opinions. And since I did no conferring with any of my friends about this, if you're female and you disagree with anything said or have more to add, please feel free to comment :)

Tip #1: Sincere Compliments

Anytime a guy starts off with "You have amazing eyes" or "You're beautiful," I'm immediately turned off. Look, I can tell if you think I'm attractive, and if you're flirting with me those are both givens. So let's just...skip the obvious. Plus, not only did you use that line on the last girl you hit on, but how deep in the crevices of your itty bitty little cranium did you have to dig for that one? How about you get to know me, and use some creativity? Plus, you're a goober.

What's a sincere creative compliment you ask? Well, the other night during a conversation a guy told me that I fascinate him. Umm....win. Why? Let me think for a second about things that "fascinate" me: the human mind, anatomy, the artistic process, psychology, dynamics between differing cultures and how they interact, the Creation of the World. The definition of fascinate is "to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality." Do I want to be fascinating? Heck. Yes.

Now, let me also insert here that I actually really enjoy being told that I'm beautiful. I don't even mind being told that I look sexy (I think foxy was my favorite...), however, it's all based on the timing of the compliment. I want my beauty to be all encompassing. I pride myself on my intelligence, humor, confidence, integrity, compassion and most importantly my testimony of the Savior. Looks don't even make my list. When you say that I'm beautiful, I want you to think all of me is beautiful. And frankly, if you drop it within 3 minutes of knowing me, I don't care to hear what else you have to say. 

Tip #2: Nerves are good

I love when a boy is nervous. Not in a sadistic way, or because I think I'm awesome; I just feel like nervousness is the epitome of sincerity. I love when you're walking around trying to get the gumption to sit next to me, or talk to me, or when you avoid eye contact because you're trying to calm yourself down. Personally, the nervous laugh is my favorite, it's like you're trying to laugh the butterflies out so that you can just be suave. Don't be suave, it's terribly unattractive. Be nervous, it's genuine. You don't even have to say the right thing because just by being nervous you've pretty much secured yourself a date. 


Tip #3: Be Transparent
When I like a boy, I try to do everything I can to make sure that he doesn't know that I like him....real Jr. High Sarah. What am I accomplishing with that? The exact opposite of what I want to accomplish, that's what. Basically, it's imperative that non-verbally you're transparent with me. 


Example:
Recently I was in a small social setting with a particular boy, and when he would say something funny he would look at me to make sure I was laughing. Once he saw I was, he'd smile really big. I could see that he was giving himself a little pep talk before each comment, and a pat on the back after each corresponding laugh....which was pretty adorable. Plus, it was obvious that he just wanted to see me smile. 


He was trying to impress me, not in the egotistical "I killed a shark with my bare hands" kind of way, but in the adorable "I'm hoping my quirks strengths are enough" way. Most of the time I fall for someone in the moments when I see something hidden that they haven't played up because they don't see it as a strength. When they're not trying to be anything. Just know it's a good thing that I know that you like me. 


My dear male blogstalkers, I know I give you a hard time a lot, and I apologize for having previously done so. However, I hope that you will accept these tips as a peace offering and go forth, armed with new found knowledge to woo the wonderful women in your life.

To the Boys

And boys you shall remain until you can follow these simple rules of engagement (no pun intended).

This weekend I went on a double date. And while it was completely out of the blue and extremely thrown together last minute, it was the best date of my life. Why you ask?

                                           

Midnight Capture the Flag with Nerf Guns

How could that be more awesome!? That's right, it can't.

And this superbly fantastic date got me thinking about some things. So here we go. Boys, pay close attention.

Dating do: Spontaneity. Last minute is cute, endearing, fun and really exciting. Especially for someone like me who has their life completely mapped out to the minute. I welcome distractions.

However, let me tell you about the experience I had the following day:

 Boy is texting me and asks what I'm doing that night. I tell him I'm going to the Bee's game and he says "You should ditch it and come on a date with me." I figure I could be persuaded, so I ask him what we're gonna do and he responds with "Eat food. Whatever you like doing."

What!? No.

Dating don't: Do not play the "ball is in your court" game. When it comes to planning dates, keep the ball. The ball is yours, do not pass it! Remember that you're wooing us. Your job is to make me feel special. My job is to laugh a lot, look/smell really good, continuously touch your elbow/knee/hand, lick my lips and look at you longingly until you want to kiss me. See, the dating game is more like football than tennis. Let's break it down to make sure we all understand:

We start off with our passing game:
You see girl and smile: the ball has been passed
She smiles: She's passed it back!
You approach girl and begin talking:
*Ball is passed back and forth as conversation ensues....*
You ask for her number: Passed the ball
She gives you her number: She passes it back


You now have the ball. Don't give it up. We've moved to the running game: no lateral passes, no fumbling. You are the running back. You cling to that ball like it is your child and you run with it until you cannot run anymore. Now that you've planned the date and she's accepted, we're back to the passing game:

You pick her up: Ball passed
She flirts and is a quality date the entire time....
*important, she still has the ball*
At some point, either vocally or via text, she thanks you and openly encourages a second date: Ball passed back to you.

You now have the ball and we're back to the running game. Now, if you choose, run with it until you can't run anymore.

Women want to feel special. We want to feel like you thought about us. You'll notice that both instances were last minute, in fact, Date #1 had much less time to plan than Date #2 did, but the difference is that he made a decision, and there is something absolutely sexy about a man who makes decisions. It shows confidence. Had Date #2 responded with something like "Don't worry about it, I'll make it worth it. How about 7:00?" I would've laughed, shaken my head and said "Ok :)" (See how I did that with the texting smiley? That's a good sign.)

So what have we learned here? 

1. Girls want to feel special
2. Girls expect boys to make decisions
3. Until boys start making decisions, they will remain boys.

Please direct any hatemail to sarah@boysshouldmakemoredecisions.com and have a great day! :)

In case you were wondering...

It was one of those mornings :)

I Like Boys.

The other day I had two interesting experiences. Both with close guy friends.

Experience 1:

Me: "In 25 years I have been asked out, actually asked on a date, twice. How does that not make me feel unattractive?"
Friend 1: *Stares in space trying to think of the right thing to say*
I could see his gears working real hard so I just waited patiently. After an extended silence...
Friend 1: Yeah, this is where guys and girls are different.....*shrugs* just don't feel that way.
Me: Yeah......that doesn't work.

Experience 2: Discussing a past relationship

Friend 2: She's the one who distanced herself from me, and that was hard, but now that I'm over her she's being all weird and interested in my life again...
Me: Well, girls have to go through a process. After a breakup they have to distance themselves because we're naturally optimistic creatures and if any semblance of hope remains, she'll just always hold onto it. So we have to vilify you in our minds so that the optimism dies. But once that process is complete she needs to come back to make sure it's really dead. Now that's the tricky part because inevitably feelings come back, and, especially if she's lonely, she may try to talk herself back into it, but ultimately what she wants is closure, it's just going to take her a minute to talk herself into actually letting the door close.
Friend 2: *laughing* What!? .....Girls are weird.

And never has a truer statement been made. We are so weird!!! We're so weird we don't even understand us. It's like freaking Wheel of Fortune in our heads all day long. But instead of varying amounts of money, they're emotions. And the wheel is spun by hormones. Sometimes you get 3 R's at 1,000 bucks a piece, and life is good. And sometimes you hit Bankrupt.

Sometimes I wonder why God made us like this. Especially when men are such simple creatures. With such a distinct difference how have people been getting married all these years!? How do boys even like us with all our complications? Personally, I see nothing attractive about women. We're small and we're always freezing. We shed all over the place, and as I've mentioned, we're pretty needy and emotionally complicated. Who wants that?

Men on the other hand, they got all sorts of good stuff going for them. They're all sorts of warm and comfy. There's nothing better than being the little spoon...am I right? When you're with them you feel all safe and cozy, plus because of their lack of emotion, you get to just throw yours out and they make it all better by just holding you. And regardless of the fact that they can be kinda smelly sometimes, the stuff that they use to cover it up is amazing!!! It just makes you wanna snuggle more.

However, when I talk to my guy friends, they feel the exact opposite. They think of all these really great things about girls...things I can't even remember. So I guess the reason the Lord made us like this is because we're complimentary. And eternally I feel like our purpose is to balance each other out.

The best example I have of this is me and one of my friends. We are very different individuals. To put it in the simplest terms: you know the saying "All or nothing?" She is all, and I am nothing. While she's off overdoing things, I'm over here underdoing it. However, we've realized we both need to be somewhere in the middle, and have started learning from each other.

That's how I feel men and women should be. Both genders have their strengths and weaknesses, neither is better than the other, but we can both learn something from one another. Which is why I like boys so much, because they balance me. I feel less emotional when I'm around them, like the wheel in my head isn't spinning so much, and I can just be calm, for just a minute.

Bachelor #1

Last night I went in for the nightly feeding of Joplin, and found her keeled over in her wheel breathing extremely shallow. I've seen her in hibernation before, and this wasn't it. I became really worried. She was responsive, but barely. From what I could tell she hadn't touched her food in days and she was pretty skinny. So I quickly Googled how to nurse a malnourished hedgehog back to health, ran to the store to get all the essentials, and came back to care for the little one.

Let's quickly jump back a couple months to my What is the Deal post:

After posting it I got a text from Bachelor #1 praising my blogging talents, and offering an open invitation to discuss the male psyche whenever I wanted. I said I'd take him up on that and call him soon. As those of you who are close to me know, the word "soon" usually means 3 months to never. Finally, Sunday night said Bachelor called and said "I'm sick of waiting for you to call." ...I like boldness. It's hot :) Unfortunately I was at a social event and had to call him back....

Last night:

As I was awake, nursing my sick hedgehog back to health, I decided to call him. We small talked, he'd owned hedgehogs in the past and assured me Joplin would pull through. Then he cut to the chase (again with the boldness...excellently done Bachelor #1) and brought up my blog post. He even had the gumption to ask which of the Bachelors he was....I immediately sang "You're So Vain."

To make a long story with lots of ego-boosting-yet-boring-irrelevant details short, he explained his behavior, and it was pretty much as I suspected. He did like me, but has had a string of bad long-distance relationships, and since he lives out of state he decided to break the chain, a decision I completely agree with.

Now, there are a few reasons for this post:

1. This is what my friend Lauren calls "a win." A boy that I liked, liked me back. And there's nothing better than falling asleep curled up next to your sick hedgehog thinking about that :)

2. I know when a boy likes me....I know when a boy likes me. This is a useful skill.

3. Bachelor #1 increased in sexiness by about 50 points for acting like a man last night. Finally someone who has enough confidence in himself to not only fess up to feelings, but who is willing to be 100% honest about a situation. And because I know that you, sir, are stalking my blog, Congratulations :)

Ladies and Gentleman of the SBSA (Sarah Blog-Stalker Association), I would like to tell you to hold on to hope. Dating, like any other principle of the Gospel, is a simple 3 step process:

1. Pray and tell Heavenly Father what you want, being as specific as possible.
2. Ask what your part in bring this prayer to fruition is. Be willing to bend to His will. After all, He does know what's best for you better than you do :)
3. Act in Patience. Others have said it better than me:

"Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." -D&C 123:17

"...Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience [requires] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don’t] appear instantly or without effort." - Elder Uchtdorf


The desired outcome may not happen immediately, in fact, it probably won't. But, if you continue to act in faith for however long it takes, there will be wins along the way!
Oh, and Joplin is feeling much better this morning :)

Death and Rebirth...

In the world of dating, you have Carrots and Doors:

Carrots are fun.They dangle in the back of your mind and you can think about them occasionally, while entertaining the idea of going to play with it at some future date. Then every once in a while, you stretch your little bunny legs and take a shot at getting it down from it's perch. The Carrot is carefree, without commitment and is generally good dating exercise.

Doors are a little more complicated. Doors are to be walked through, they take commitment and dedication, and can only exist when the desire for one is mutual, and intentions are pure. You spend ample time pondering about what lies beyond the door, and weighing your options to see if it's what you really want. And much like Let's Make a Deal, it's a gamble. Door #1 may not contain the shiny new car you were hoping for, leaving you filled with disappointment, and a continued quest for another Door.

Now, while Doors tend to be scarier than Carrots, they're essentially what we're all looking for. Within each of us is a desire to walk through a good Door, and never have to search for another one ever again.

Yesterday I closed a very old Door. The feelings are mature, they've been tried, and tested and they run extremely deep, but have never been expressed by either party. For a long time I've wondered if it even was a  Door....it felt like more than a Carrot, and when we were together it felt like more of a Door than I've ever known.... Just recently we were honest with each other. We had both, most certainly, been keeping this door alive - for years - but walking through that door required more than either of us could give, not because we were selfish....in fact it was the opposite. Because we loved each other, we knew that this place we had reached had to be the end. To go further than this would mean the deterioration of everything we had built. So now, here we stood, before this door that had always been envisioned but had never actually manifested, and just moments after it came into being, we chose to let it go...

To be honest, I hurt.

For majority of my adult life, this Door has been in my heart as a place of safety and refuge; a sanctuary I could visit in moments of distress. It was a place of hope that embodied the happiest moments of my life. Something I'd kept sacred and told no one about...and now I feel it slowly fading away as each memory comes back individually to say good-bye. It hurts...differently than it's ever hurt before. It's a mourning for a future that, for 7 years, had been carefully woven together with hope and love, but can never exist. 

Fortunately the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, timed the passing of this Door in the middle of a Carrot...a good, light-hearted, fun, extremely casual, catered-to-my-current-needs...Carrot. 

It just reminds me that, in all things, death always brings new life.

Drug of Choice

Lately I've been feeling a little unbalanced, and today I figured out what's been missing.

Two Summers ago I read this book:

It's based on the theory that we're all children of an Infinitely Creative Being, and therefore, we are all inherently creative. However, throughout life, and for differing reasons, we all lose confidence in our creative capabilities. Therefore, we become blocked and believe that "Artists" are people with extraordinary capabilities, and the rest of the masses, us, were simply born without those gifts. This book calls your blocked-artist's bluff and walks you through a 12 week program back to your Inner Artist.

It's phenomenal. If you haven't read it, go buy it right now. 

There's a whole section about the defense tactics we use to keep ourselves blocked. These blocks can range anywhere from substance abuse, to creating drama in your life or surrounding yourself with unhealthy people. My drug of choice? Work. If you know me at all, you're probably laughing. Whether it's my job, church calling, or just plain friendship responsibilities, I will make myself so unbelievably busy that I can't possibly think about what's going on in my life. Now, being an introvert by nature, this poses a very large problem for me. In the past, it's lead to what I like to refer to as shut downs, where my brain and body, literally, just stop. It would happen about once every 3-4 months and I would usually just lock myself in my house for 2-3 days and watch movies until I'd regrouped. After reading this book, I realized that I need time to take care of myself so that I can take care of others, and I can prevent these shut downs if I just take that time. 

Well, I started "cutting away the fat," if you will, and making sure to take consistent Sarah-time. However, with all this new found RSP stuff going on, my Sarah-time has been replaced with other important things. And today, I realized that I haven't painted in months. So, I'm taking an oil painting class. I've only done some self-taught watercolors, but oils are really what I've always wanted to do, and I'd like to really learn them, so I decided on some classes. In celebration, I have some goodies for you :)

This is my very first painting, it took me the duration of the 12 week program.
It's my interpretation of me.

This is a Mormon Message that was created from my favorite Elder Uchtdorf talk ever on Creating. The link will take you to the full length talk. I highly recommend it :)