Porn Shaming

In today's age of technology and social media, it has become astonishingly easy to not only make a cause known, but also to connect with those who share your opinion. Gone are the days of even creating your own arguments. Speaking for or against something in today's world is now as simple as hitting the "share" or "like" button. All we have to do is hold an opinion somewhere deep within ourselves, and then as we stumble upon a gem on our newsfeed, we need only hit a button  to wave the banner of our thought camp for all of our friends to see. And this whole time, we feel as if we're standing for something - as if we're making a difference. But sometimes I wonder if the difference that these social media messages are creating, especially regarding pornography, is the opposite of what we intended.

Research has shown that the average age of exposure to pornography is 11, and that almost every teenager will be exposed to pornography by the time they graduate high school. Studies have also shown that because of the lack of development in the pre-fontal cortex of the brain prior to age 21, adolescents are far more susceptible to move from habit, to compulsion, to addiction. Behavioral addiction researcher Mark Butler has stated that at their core, "all addictions are [just] maladaptive coping strategies," and that the average addict goes through 7 different treatment programs before one sticks. This is because when it comes down to it, alcoholism isn't about alcohol, eating compulsion isn't about food, and sexual addiction isn't about sex. All addictions are about escaping reality - whether it's to feel happier, more powerful, numb to pain, or just to escape life and be someone else for a while.

Taking all of this into consideration, we realize that what we're really looking at are individuals who are viewing pornography in an effort to hide or escape from deep and difficult emotions that have plagued them their entire lives. They are individuals that are hiding, and desperately reaching out for a helping hand; people like you and me who struggle with depression, anxiety, a history of abuse, and bullying. The difference is that their coping mechanism is not only less socially acceptable than a pan of brownies or Netflix marathon, but it has ensnared them and left many feeling hopeless. And that's the worst part, the entrapment. Those who use pornography to escape from real life, and have found themselves caught in the chains of addiction emerge to real life to find that it's worse and more painful than when they left it for their fantasy world, causing them to retreat even further. It's a psychological cycle that is near impossible to escape without professional help.

Anti-pornography campaign from Pornography Harms

Addiction is just that - addiction. Addicts can't "just stop," and are often teenagers and young adults who have, by no fault of their own, become caught in the trap of addiction. But that's not the message sent by today's anti-pornography campaigns. Instead these children, and emerging adults who may be yearning to escape from their addiction are bombarded with messages that correlate their struggle with extreme outcomes such as sexual violence, divorce, and erectile dysfunction. And what we fail to remember is that most of these individuals aren't sexual predators. They're just people like us, caught in a tangled web that they want to get out of. I fear that what we're creating is a culture of fear and shame, so that when one of these young individuals wants to reach out they feel as if they can't because they will be met with rejection, and judgement. To me, it appears to be a perfect storm for shaming our youth into hiding, especially those who are growing up with a strong value system against pornography.

I understand that some of these campaigns offer some amazing assistance programs for struggling individuals, but I rarely see those kinds of posts shared on my Newsfeed. We need a more open dialogue about addiction in general, and a better understanding of how it works, so that we can have true compassion when a loved one shares with us their struggles. We need to present a message of hope to those who are fighting this and extend open arms, and offer loving conversations. While I personally believe that pornography can become addictive, and has the potential to be destructive to relationships, I believe even more strongly that if we continue to create a culture of fear surrounding sexual addiction instead of love, openness and hope, we will have a more difficult time winning this battle. 

Breaking the Silence: The LGBT, Mormon Feminist Issue

This morning my heart is full. Full of sadness and sorrow, heartbreak, compassion, and love. When I was 18 I chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I chose it because I knew it was true. I had seen the guiding hand and loving concern of a Father in heaven reaching out to me and asking me to come to him. As I came to him I felt the cleansing and purifying power of the Atonement of his son Jesus Christ. I felt strength, power, and wholeness as I began to live my life striving everyday to be more like him. As I fought and struggled to find my footing in this new and unusual world of Mormonism I fell over and over again. Each time my Savior was there to wipe my tears, comfort me, and - when I was ready - carry me back to the path. Over time I began to learn to navigate the ins and outs of the culture, and I grew in the strength of the doctrines.

But soon I began to realize disconnects. The rose colored glasses of my conversion began to come off, and I saw reality. I saw hypocrisy, fear, betrayal, and even hate. I started to see the difference between the culture and the doctrine and I had to choose to lay my faith in Christ.

Eventually situations such as Proposition 8 arose, and I saw the divide of my friends. People that I had always loved spoke out in anger and hatred against me for the things that "my church" had done. I was hurt. I was torn. How could I stand and defend the doctrines that I had come to know were true and simultaneously come to the rescue of those that I loved so strongly? I did nothing.

Here I am nearly 6 years later still having not made a stand.

And the truth is that I know where I stand, I simply don't know how to express it. So this is my attempt. My attempt to say all of the feelings that are in my heart without sufficient words, context, power, tone and medium. Forgive me if I say something amiss, or if something is left un-clarified. I pray that those of you who know me will remember the great desire of my heart to embrace and protect others from suffering. Those of you who don't know me, please know I only wish to comfort and heal.

I believe that there is only one who can provide a satisfactory explanation for all parties, and it is on His side that I stand. The Lord Jesus Christ alone can explain the doctrines of His Gospel. They are not for me to change. With that said, the very doctrines that deem the priesthood to be held by every worthy male, and marriage to be between a man and a woman have commanded us to love. It is not suggested, we are not asked to merely tolerate or "play nice." We are commanded to love. Obedience to commandments is an agentive act. We choose love, or we choose anger, fear and hatred. Opening our hearts in compassion and acceptance is a choice and if we stand idly by we are just as guilty in our sin of omission. Remember that Christ suffered for all. Not so that we can be fearful and divided, but to unify us through his infinite and perfect love.

Yes, I believe differently than the majority - I support marriage between a man and a woman, and I believe that God himself has asked men to hold his priesthood. Yes, there are doctrines of the LDS Church that I do not understand. But when I chose to be baptized into this Gospel ten years ago it served as a witness of my belief in a living prophet upon this Earth, and as I emerged from the water I covenanted with my Creator to sustain him as such. And in that same covenant I promised to bear the burdens of my Earthly brothers and sisters, mourn with them, and comfort them in their times of need.

To those of you who have been wounded by proclaimed Christians, I wish to apologize. For those of you that I may have hurt in my silence, or otherwise, I ask your forgiveness. We can have differences of belief and practice and be unified in our love and respect. To my gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and feminist friends: my arms and heart are open to you. I pray for your pains, and your burdens to be healed and lifted. I pray that my heart and mind can be even more open and compassionate toward you. Please know that I am not the only one, and we openly proclaim that you are always welcome; you are His, and therefore ours.

808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

It Takes a Lady.

I know most days I'm a little harsh on the guys, so today, I would like to present a suggestion to all my ladies that, after much communication with several men, I feel will assist in project "Man-Up 2012."

However, before I get into this, let's get a couple things straight: I believe in woman's rights. I believe that we should have the right to vote, to own property, equal pay, and all other fun things that boys get to do. However, I also believe that we are different than men. For starters they're generally bigger, with deeper voices and more hair. Their ability to open jars and throw things really far is far superior to ours no matter what we do. Why? Probably because they're meant to hunt and kill things. Now, because I'm never going to be able to throw like Brett Favre am I less of a human? No way. Am I bent out of shape about it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would much rather have the strengths I'm predisposed to, the things that baffle my male counterparts: Intuition, emotional sensitivity,  faith - in the Lord, in life, and most importantly, in others.

Despite what society would tell us, the above qualities are what make a Woman. The media tells us that in order to be "Women" we have two choices: either be like men, or be physically appealing to them. We must become devoid of emotions, "over-thinking" and modesty. We should no longer care about the sacredness of procreative powers and learn to gain our self-worth from how "sexy" men perceive us to be. However, the price of this "sexual freedom" is our feminine identity. In order to fall in line with the world's bastardized definition of "Womanhood" we must abandon everything the Lord has created us to be. Instead of being soft, gentle, kind, full of hope, selfless and nurturing, we must become cold, hard, cynical, prideful, competitive, and desirable.

Now, I'm not sure where this idea came from...Shania Twain coloring her hair, doing what she dares...the Spice Girls telling us what they want, what they really really want....

....I don't know. But somewhere down the line, things got out of control. And here is where I would like to suggest that in order for Men to "man-up" maybe we need to "Woman-down" a bit. We all do it - build tough exteriors to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable and getting hurt. But this "tough-girl" act is, in a mild-sense, an attempt to desensitize the feminine gift of emotion that the Lord has given us. If we, instead of giving into cocky, sassy, borderline-"scarcastic" flirting, approached men with gentility, love, and meek confidence, we might be seen as less threatening and more approachable. Now, I don't know that this will work, but as the last 26 years has proved, the other route ain't workin' for me.

Therefore, I would like to issue a challenge to the women reading this: Woman-down, just a bit, and show the brethren in your life that you believe in them, that they're worth something more than they allow themselves to be. If anything, you and the men in your life, will better understand what it means to be a Woman of God. In closing, I want to leave a portion of a talk from my Bishop given to the sisters as an added call to bring back Womanhood.

Be refined, be lady-like, be feminine; in the way you act, in the way you talk, in the way you dress, in the way you interact with the brethren...don’t let the world or our society determine your standards, degrade you, or induce you to follow the pattern of men in any of these areas...

Much in the world in which we live would have you believe that you are less valuable, or at best, equal to men; that you are objects of desire and lust. I believe that you are far better than we men in so many ways. I repeat what I have observed, believed and taught, for many years: The only way women will ever be equal to men, is to lower themselves down to our level. Don’t do it. It is not who God created you to be. It is not your potential; it is not God’s design or destiny for you. We brethren need your strength; we need your contrasting softness and kindness, your faithfulness, your spirituality, your goodness and your godliness. 

Now go forth, and be Women.

Men.

I remember once asking "At what age do boys become men?" Since that time, I've realized that the transition from Boy to Man is not determined by the amount of years, but by experiences. And it is by these experiences that each boy is then presented with what I like to call "Man Cards." Man Cards are more like an expansion pack than a deck, with varying themes which can be mixed and matched to create a full hand. Theoretical packs may include, but are not limited to:

• The Handy Man: Great at fixing all car/household needs
• The Ladies Man: Knows his role in all courting formalities
• The Business Man: Strives to build a life of stability for his loved ones
• The Family Man: Prioritizes life with wife and children at the top.
• The Man in Charge: Decisive and confident, yet yielding and humble. 

Now, of course, each pack comes with various cards, which - when tasks are accomplished, or habits or lifestyles created - are given to said boy/man. The expansion pack which I would like to discuss in depth today, is what I would like to call: The Ultimate Man.

Over Thanksgiving I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my brother (who, in my mind, is still 17), has been rapidly collecting his man cards. Part of this I attribute to my father, the manliest man I know, and the other part I attribute to his prosthetic leg (pictured right). About 4 years ago my brother was in a traumatic accident which took 6 inches of his left leg. For any 21 yr old, this could be a pretty traumatic experience, but Alex fought hard to overcome all the emotional and physical aspects of his injury. Today, most people don't even know there's anything wrong until the first time he slams his shin on tool box without wincing. Throughout his experiences he's adopted the mantra "I am not handicapped" which is not limited to physicality. My brother refuses to be handicapped in any area of his life. If something needs to be done, he does it, with no excuses.

Alex is also the epitome of a "Protector." He will make sure all of your needs are taken care of, and he takes his responsibility as provider very seriously. He is not above making you breakfast in bed, telling you he loves you, or listening to you cry, because he knows that's what you need. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, he is also going to protect you in every way possible: finding food, fixing your car, providing shelter, and threatening to bash in the heads of careless boys who demolish your heart. In a few short years of life, he's realized that being a man is about accepting responsibility, not projecting it on others.

It was a little startling to realize my little brother was all grown up, but more than anything it was eye-opening to realize that the characteristics he encompasses are the characteristics I look for in the men that I date. There are plenty of Man Cards that are nice to have around (i.e. The Oil Change, Successful Job, Orders His Date's Food, etc...), but the ones that I feel are pivotal in my "Am I going to date this guy" process, come from The Ultimate Man category. They are learned traits of a man who is comfortable enough in his manhood, to strive for traits that could be perceived as less manly. While confidence, decisiveness, and a dash of "Cro-Magnon" mentality can be initially very attractive, it's exceptionally comforting to know that your man can be humble, meek, and "easy to be entreated."

One Less Lonely Girl...

I got into a pretty heated discussion about dating and "the Lord's timing" a couple weeks ago. It was the usual: Girls complaining about not being asked on dates, Guys complaining about girls complaining, and everyone coming to the same resolutions "Well, there really aren't any answers," and "It'll all happen in the Lord's time."

First of all, let's talk about there not being any answers. Really!? Marriage is a commandment, the highest ordinance one can receive in this life. Eternal families are the whole reason we're here. Plus, with how often we get the marriage talk, do you really think that the Lord is going to leave us with zero answers?  Go ahead...think about it...

Didn't think so.

So for those of you sitting around wondering "Why am I still single?" let me give you my 2 cents: I believe that we all need to form our own "Dating Identity."

Story time!
Once upon a time I had a roommate who consistently had at least 5 different suitors at a time. I, on the other hand, had none. So in order the gain the attention of the male population, I would observe the behaviors of said fair maiden and try to mimic her actions. When I did this, not only did I feel like I was living a lie, but my efforts were completely unsuccessful, because we were 2 entirely different people. However, there were still 2 undeniable facts:

1. I had no dates
2. She had lots

But when I was trying to be like her, my efforts were failing miserably. Why? Well, because I wasn't her. She had the gift to be sincerely interested in everything about everyone. Plus, she had the hair flipping, arm touching and cute laughing all perfectly timed to the millisecond. I didn't have any of that, in fact, my strengths are completely different....not to mention I'm not really good at timing the hair flip/lip lick/cute giggle thing.....

So how was I supposed to get a boy's attention!?

Always distracted by food....

Well, I realized that she didn't actually have anything special, she just knew how be her "shiniest" self. Which meant all I really needed to do was harness the most comfortable, confident, out-going Sarah that existed. So I took a self assessment, and found my shiny alter-ego: witty, sassy, side-smile, squeeze-his-bicep Sarah.

The end.

Good story huh? :)

Basically, when we say we have no answers, it's because we think we need to be or say or do something that feels very unlike us. But in all reality, you need to be, say and do things that are 100% you. So figure out who your flirting alter-ego is and run with it. And in case you care, here's my 3-part formula for flirting comfortability:

1. Recognize your own talents and gifts - These are tools the Lord has given you, as you grow and develop them, your confidence around people grows because you feel like you have something to offer.
2.Do whatever it is you need to do to feel attractive - not be attractive, that's subjective. If you feel attractive, you're going to look attractive, and vice versa.
3. Forward momentum - You have to make some kind of movement. Fate doesn't exist, and God doesn't bless the lazy or the stupid. Get out of your comfort zone and make the magic happen.

Which brings me to "it's all in the Lord's timing," need I refer you all to President Uchtdorf's talk on Patience yet again?

"...Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results don’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears... It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed."

Thank you Dieter, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, if we apply this to dating, I ask you:

Are you doing all you can to pursue marriage? If not, stop complaining and ask the Lord what else you can do. If you are, you shouldn't be complaining anyway.

What is the Deal!?

WARNING: It's about to get real...and maybe a little sassy. Consider this a satire ;)

So after my "Can I Get a Translator?" post I was talking to one of my buddies from the mission about it and he told me that it made him feel like a total bum. After an apology and further interrogation, I discovered that he had pulled many a stunt similar to those of Bachelors 1-3. I listened intently, put myself in his shoes, and was taken on a grand tour of the male psyche. There were a couple well made points, and when all was said and done I concluded with: "I retract my previous apology. You deserve to feel like a bum."

What is it with boys? What exactly are you looking/waiting for? Because after discussing The Great Dating Famine of 2011 with some of my girl friends, I'm discovering that we good LDS women are continuously being placed into one of two categories by the male half of the species:

Homies and NCMO's

Let's explore shall we?

Homies: This is my personal favorite, because for the last 25 years of my life I have been locked into this category. Seriously, my guy friend quota is filled. Off the top of my head I can come up with 8 guys I could just call to kick it right now. That's enough to fill every night of the week, and if you gave me 5 more minutes, I'm sure I could fill 2. Now, is this really productive to the overall goal of Eternal Companionship? The answer is no. I know it, you know it, and my guy friends know it. So here's the deal, if you're trying to date me and it appears that I've been flirting with you (i.e. lots of texting, multiple invites to things, baked goods, touching of the elbow, witty banter...), it's cause I want you to ask me on a date. Which, in case you didn't know, is code for "Eventually, I would like to make out with you". This isn't an episode of "Paris Hilton's my new BFF." I want to date you.

NCMO's: Honestly, I feel like this may be worse than the Homie category. I have no experience on this topic, as I am morally opposed to them. However, I have friends who do, and if being in an ambiguous friendship/relationship isn't already confusing enough to the emotion-driven female mind, throwing physical intimacy into the mix just creates a hyper-sensitive estrogen cocktail of death...

So can anyone explain to me why it's gotta be this way? Why aren't dates happening? Because myself and plenty other great women I know continuously hear from guys that we're going to be amazing wives and mothers, or we're absolutely beautiful, fun and awesome, but these compliments are never followed up by an invitation for a date. So dear stalkers (especially those of you men who are reading, but pretending you aren't...), will someone tell me what it is we lack? Why exactly are there are so many good women who just aren't good enough?

Seriously....start talking :)

Is God a Megalomaniac?

I'm gonna warn ya, this one's long.

Yesterday my friend posted a link to a Christian blog, where the topic was this question. I was intrigued and killing some time in the airport so I thought I'd give it a little read. It was an interesting question to say the least, but I felt like his explanation had a few holes so I thought I'd give my own rebuttal :)

Before I start I want to lay a foundation of a few basic principles that may seem common knowledge to you with LDS backgrounds. However, to others, it may not be, and they are what I felt Piper was lacking in his post, and what I'll be basing mine on.

1. The Godhead consists of 3 entirely separate beings. They are one in purpose and in works, but physically there is God the Father, the Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost - a personage of Spirit.

2. God is literally the Father of our Spirits, and loves us as such - comlpetely unconditionally.

3. He, as an infinitely loving being, wants nothing more than to have us live with Him again. This is actually what He lives for. His purpose is to bring to pass our immortality.


So now my answer to our question: Is God a megalomaniac? No. In fact, I believe He is quite the opposite. I believe that He is never actually glorifying Himself. But He is only asking us to glorify Him. If this is the case some could still argue that He is feeding His own ego. Through all of Piper's jumping around in his post I feel like the essence of his question lies in his opening sentence

"Why [is] God’s relentless self-exaltation in all that he does is the most loving way for him to be?"

Well, I spent the greater portion of my 5 hr flight pondering and studying this out, and I feel a lot of his questions are answered with an understanding that Christ and God are separate, and when gloriying each other, are not actually glorifying themselves (I actually have a couple other theories involving word definitions and such, but we'll save that for a later date). But as to why God asks us to glorify Him, here are my thoughts:


Our Heavenly Father is just that, our Father. He wants us to come home to Him, and in order to do that we must be pure and clean, but we are fallen beings. As humans we make mistakes, no matter how much we try. Therefore, a plan had to be laid so that we could become clean. A sacrifice, an infinite sacrifice, had to be made on our behalf. God loved you and me so much that He was willing to sacrifice the only perfect Son that He would ever have, so that all of His children who wanted to return to Him, could become clean. If we never show gratitude for this sacrifice, for the Atonement, how will we ever be able to fully utilize it and understand what it has done, and can continue to do for us? If we don't wake up each morning and thank the Lord for His sacrifice, and recommit ourselves to trying just a little bit harder that day, how will we ever become pure? Is it possible for us, as imperfect beings to fully appreciate and understand something without ever experiencing it? And is it possible for us to remember and feel something so deeply if we never remind ourselves or share with others what it means to us? No, it's not.

This is why our Heavenly Father asks us to glorify Him, to thank Him, and to pray in the name of the Savior - so that we remember this ultimate sacrifice. He knows us so well that He knows we would forget, and as we forgot we would slip away from Him eternally. And the only thing in this universe the Lord wants is us back in His arms. Therefore, the more we remember and glorify Him, the closer we are to Him. And what parent doesn't want to be close to their children?

I'm sorry this is so long, but if anything I hope you all leave knowing that I know the Atonement is real. Christ is my Savior. He died so that I can make it back to my Father in Heaven, and I know that the more I pray and thank the Lord for His sacrifice, the closer I feel Him in my life.