Best Worst Pep Talk Ever

Seriously, this is how I feel. But despite the significant lack of social life and huge influx of all-nighters, I still managed to pick up some dating insight along the way. Therefore, I give you: The best worst pep talk ever.

About 2 weeks ago I called one of my friends for a favor and next thing I know I'm getting a dating pep talk - which is exactly what we all need the week before finals...? I'm not gonna lie, the delivery was terrible, but I was magically able to navigate my way through it and glean some truths. It's honestly been very influential over the past few weeks, and I'm exceptionally grateful for the person who gave it to me. Below you will find excerpts of the talk, immediately followed by my interpretation of each principle. These are direct quotes from an actual phone conversation.

1. "Next thing you know you're realizing another one of God's children doesn't love you" 

Translation: Dating is naturally going to come with rejection. However, rejection is better than never knowing because it is the only way to move forward. Sitting around in fear that someone might not share your feelings is just making you more discouraged, so get up, face your fears and get rejected so you can move on and find the person who will love you.

2. "Put all your eggs in one basket, and the next day you're watching 'em float down the river" - 

Translation: Options are a good thing. Putting too much stock in one situation is basically the express lane to disappointment. Obviously this is not an excuse to play the field, and options should be limited to your emotional capacity - the deeper the commitment, the more "eggs" in the basket. Flirting is the process of collecting baskets. If they stick around, try adding an egg. The process of placing an (note the singularity of the article here) egg in a basket can be likened to dating, and as the commitment to one person grows, slowly remove eggs from other baskets to put into that basket. Otherwise, keep your eggs to yourself until you've moved into the dating phase.

3. "If you breed a thousand rabbits expecting to sell them as food, you'll just end up alone with a lot of rabbits" 

Translation: If you spend your time idealizing a person and the potential for your future happiness, you may end up either a.) psyching yourself out so much that you never even act, or b.) becoming sorely disappointed when the person doesn't live up to your expectations. Therefore, moving quickly towards actual dates gives you the knowledge you need to decide if this relationship is something you want to continue to pursue.

4. "You'll just be sitting on the sidelines watching people who are no braver than you, happily in relationships" 

Translation: Happy relationships don't happen to the pretty/skinny/funny/successful people, they happen to people who are willing to push themselves out of their comfort zones. Love comes from risk. Sometimes it ends in failure - in some of our cases it seems to always end in failure - but if we keep pushing ourselves just a little more each day, in everything that we do, success is inevitable.

Love and Shoes

Yesterday, one of my friends expressed his confusion about why none of his ex's wanted to marry him, a thought which I think most of us have had. Unfortunately, there are a million reasons: timing, agency, preference, compatibility, fear, the list goes on. But what came to my mind was that selecting a spouse is a whole lot like selecting shoes.

I love shoes, but I don't just walk into DSW, grab whatever looks good, and take it home. Shoe shopping takes time, patience, precision and feeling. When I enter a store, I'm not only looking for something that looks good, but something that fits, and has the right price tag. Most importantly, the shoe needs to bring out some element of my personality; I need to love it. There are plenty of shoes that I think are cute, but just aren't me.

In my experience, dating is exactly the same. Someone may be attractive, and their personality may fit with mine, but there are some prices that I'm just not willing to pay - things I'm not willing to sacrifice - to make the relationship work. On the other hand, everything could be perfect on paper, the look, the fit and the cost, but something's just not there, even if I want it to be. Therefore, I'm convinced marriage takes an act of God. It's honestly as baffling to me as the creation of the world - just as I don't understand how the world came into being, I cannot fathom the strings God has to pull to get two people fall in love with each other - at the same time.

So in the mean time, it's all about hope. Not hope in a person, or a situation; but hope in the Lord. Hope that He knows not only what's best for us, but when it's best. I can't tell you how many times I've almost bought a pair of shoes, and walked out because I knew they were too expensive, and then came back months later only to find them 80% off. And that, my friends, remains the hardest part of singlehood: to trust that one day, that perfect pair, wrapped up with everything in it's proper place will appear.

Don't be a lumper.

Lately the phrases "when you least expect it" and "when you're not looking for it" have been kicking around in my little Sarah brain where they've been met with sarcasm and reality checks. Which we all know leads to a blog...

First, I asked myself: "when was the last time I expected marriage?" I'm rounding the corner to 27 (which is not old b.t.w...), and I've been un-relationshipped for a little over 3 years now. I think at this point in my life I look cute and flirt with boys just for fun. Not that I'm never interested, but - in the least bitter, cynical way possible - I'm not sure I'm ever really expecting anything when I do it anymore. 

And second: are any of my single friends out there not looking for marriage? Didn't think so. That would be contradictory to both our hormones and the prophet.

These conclusions only lead me to the question: what point are these people trying to make?

I think it has something to do with purpose. The life of singlehood is like walking a tight-rope of time management. You can't just sit around waiting for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet - at some point you need to get off your little bum and make progression in your life. Purpose, direction and service are what make you feel whole. Lumping around in your house waiting for love to knock on your door is going to make you just as sad as it sounds. On the other hand, you can't be filling your life so full that there isn't time or space for someone in it. Those phrases we hear all the time are just small reminders for us to do something with ourselves and enjoy the journey. Being single in your mid-20's and early 30's is a great opportunity to learn about yourself and serve others. And it is in that process that we find happiness, whether marriage comes along or not. 

808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

It Takes a Lady.

I know most days I'm a little harsh on the guys, so today, I would like to present a suggestion to all my ladies that, after much communication with several men, I feel will assist in project "Man-Up 2012."

However, before I get into this, let's get a couple things straight: I believe in woman's rights. I believe that we should have the right to vote, to own property, equal pay, and all other fun things that boys get to do. However, I also believe that we are different than men. For starters they're generally bigger, with deeper voices and more hair. Their ability to open jars and throw things really far is far superior to ours no matter what we do. Why? Probably because they're meant to hunt and kill things. Now, because I'm never going to be able to throw like Brett Favre am I less of a human? No way. Am I bent out of shape about it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would much rather have the strengths I'm predisposed to, the things that baffle my male counterparts: Intuition, emotional sensitivity,  faith - in the Lord, in life, and most importantly, in others.

Despite what society would tell us, the above qualities are what make a Woman. The media tells us that in order to be "Women" we have two choices: either be like men, or be physically appealing to them. We must become devoid of emotions, "over-thinking" and modesty. We should no longer care about the sacredness of procreative powers and learn to gain our self-worth from how "sexy" men perceive us to be. However, the price of this "sexual freedom" is our feminine identity. In order to fall in line with the world's bastardized definition of "Womanhood" we must abandon everything the Lord has created us to be. Instead of being soft, gentle, kind, full of hope, selfless and nurturing, we must become cold, hard, cynical, prideful, competitive, and desirable.

Now, I'm not sure where this idea came from...Shania Twain coloring her hair, doing what she dares...the Spice Girls telling us what they want, what they really really want....

....I don't know. But somewhere down the line, things got out of control. And here is where I would like to suggest that in order for Men to "man-up" maybe we need to "Woman-down" a bit. We all do it - build tough exteriors to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable and getting hurt. But this "tough-girl" act is, in a mild-sense, an attempt to desensitize the feminine gift of emotion that the Lord has given us. If we, instead of giving into cocky, sassy, borderline-"scarcastic" flirting, approached men with gentility, love, and meek confidence, we might be seen as less threatening and more approachable. Now, I don't know that this will work, but as the last 26 years has proved, the other route ain't workin' for me.

Therefore, I would like to issue a challenge to the women reading this: Woman-down, just a bit, and show the brethren in your life that you believe in them, that they're worth something more than they allow themselves to be. If anything, you and the men in your life, will better understand what it means to be a Woman of God. In closing, I want to leave a portion of a talk from my Bishop given to the sisters as an added call to bring back Womanhood.

Be refined, be lady-like, be feminine; in the way you act, in the way you talk, in the way you dress, in the way you interact with the brethren...don’t let the world or our society determine your standards, degrade you, or induce you to follow the pattern of men in any of these areas...

Much in the world in which we live would have you believe that you are less valuable, or at best, equal to men; that you are objects of desire and lust. I believe that you are far better than we men in so many ways. I repeat what I have observed, believed and taught, for many years: The only way women will ever be equal to men, is to lower themselves down to our level. Don’t do it. It is not who God created you to be. It is not your potential; it is not God’s design or destiny for you. We brethren need your strength; we need your contrasting softness and kindness, your faithfulness, your spirituality, your goodness and your godliness. 

Now go forth, and be Women.

Men.

I remember once asking "At what age do boys become men?" Since that time, I've realized that the transition from Boy to Man is not determined by the amount of years, but by experiences. And it is by these experiences that each boy is then presented with what I like to call "Man Cards." Man Cards are more like an expansion pack than a deck, with varying themes which can be mixed and matched to create a full hand. Theoretical packs may include, but are not limited to:

• The Handy Man: Great at fixing all car/household needs
• The Ladies Man: Knows his role in all courting formalities
• The Business Man: Strives to build a life of stability for his loved ones
• The Family Man: Prioritizes life with wife and children at the top.
• The Man in Charge: Decisive and confident, yet yielding and humble. 

Now, of course, each pack comes with various cards, which - when tasks are accomplished, or habits or lifestyles created - are given to said boy/man. The expansion pack which I would like to discuss in depth today, is what I would like to call: The Ultimate Man.

Over Thanksgiving I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my brother (who, in my mind, is still 17), has been rapidly collecting his man cards. Part of this I attribute to my father, the manliest man I know, and the other part I attribute to his prosthetic leg (pictured right). About 4 years ago my brother was in a traumatic accident which took 6 inches of his left leg. For any 21 yr old, this could be a pretty traumatic experience, but Alex fought hard to overcome all the emotional and physical aspects of his injury. Today, most people don't even know there's anything wrong until the first time he slams his shin on tool box without wincing. Throughout his experiences he's adopted the mantra "I am not handicapped" which is not limited to physicality. My brother refuses to be handicapped in any area of his life. If something needs to be done, he does it, with no excuses.

Alex is also the epitome of a "Protector." He will make sure all of your needs are taken care of, and he takes his responsibility as provider very seriously. He is not above making you breakfast in bed, telling you he loves you, or listening to you cry, because he knows that's what you need. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, he is also going to protect you in every way possible: finding food, fixing your car, providing shelter, and threatening to bash in the heads of careless boys who demolish your heart. In a few short years of life, he's realized that being a man is about accepting responsibility, not projecting it on others.

It was a little startling to realize my little brother was all grown up, but more than anything it was eye-opening to realize that the characteristics he encompasses are the characteristics I look for in the men that I date. There are plenty of Man Cards that are nice to have around (i.e. The Oil Change, Successful Job, Orders His Date's Food, etc...), but the ones that I feel are pivotal in my "Am I going to date this guy" process, come from The Ultimate Man category. They are learned traits of a man who is comfortable enough in his manhood, to strive for traits that could be perceived as less manly. While confidence, decisiveness, and a dash of "Cro-Magnon" mentality can be initially very attractive, it's exceptionally comforting to know that your man can be humble, meek, and "easy to be entreated."

Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys

Obviously gauged ears are super hot...

Thank you Brandon Boyd for being beautiful.

...but I decided that there was probably more to it than that and it was probably wise to figure it out. Then I also decided that I should probably impart my insight to the world. So here it is: Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys (to be abbreviated hereafter as NLGs...). And I apologize for the generalizations. These aren't facts, just observations from my life.

1. They show interest
For some unknown reason, all the LDS guys that have ever liked me, have never said anything. I find out way too late to do anything and always from some mutual friend. And in most cases I always think "I would've totally gone out with him!" NLGs are straight up about it from the get-go.

2. They know what a date is
When NLGs are interested, they ask me out to get to know me better. When LDS guys are interested, they have to form new social situations to see me in action so they can get to know me casually so that they can figure out if they want to date me. Dates are to get to know people so you can decide if you want to date them, not a trap door to marriage.

3. They respect my boundaries
One of the problems with dating within the Church is that everyone has a different set of "rules" when it comes to dating and making out. I pretty much wrote the book on conservative dating, and therefore, with LDS guys, my views are often mocked instead of respected. NLGs on the other hand, do whatever it takes to be with me, and if that means certain rules of engagement during cuddling or making out, then so be it.

4. They understand a good thing
I think that most LDS males have an overabundance of phenomenal women in their lives. So many, that they start to think that it's normal. However, I can't tell you how many of my NLG friends have said "I'm just so ready to find a good girl..." and that's the truth. Once they see a girl who is focused, faithful and full of hope, optimism and happiness, they recognize that it's an anomaly and not the standard.

5. They just do
I feel like the thought process in their head is something like this:


*Sees cute girl* Hottie! *approaches girl and engages in conversation* She's funny! *more conversation* And smart! *more conversation* Dude, I gotta get her number...*number attained*

Most of my LDS buddies talk the relationship through eternity and realize all the flaws with the marriage before they even get the girls' number. Seriously dude, tone it down. Take her on a date... It's just a date.


Now obviously there are other reasons why I'm attracted to these guys, for the most part, they're genuine, sincere, men with good hearts and plenty of drive and chivalry. But the reasons why I consider dating them more frequently than LDS guys can be summed up in the above 5 reasons. So in conclusion:

Just let it go...

I used to think unrequited love was the worst thing imaginable. I've since proven myself wrong. Self-forbidden love is far worse. Attraction is a principle that I don't think I'll ever understand. Why is Susie attracted to Billy when Billy's attracted to Janie? Better yet, why are Bill and Mary attracted to each other when Bill likes to drink beer and Mary wants to be married in the temple? I have no idea. Here is where I would like to add the disclaimer that I am, by no means, listening to Dashboard and screaming at the heavens while slashing at my wrists. I'm actually quite far from that place. This here post is simply a step back from years of mutual attraction between me and men I shouldn't date, to look at what has come of all of it. And here's what I've gleaned:

Sacrifice for future progression.

In the past, I tried really hard to make each of these situations work. Sarah meets Boy and thinks he's attractive, but carries on with life. One day Boy makes a move and Sarah remembers that sometimes boys like her. Mutual interest is born. Sarah and Boy know that it's unfair to try to make relationship work, but Sarah remains secretly hopeful and falls anyway. Hard. Followed by pain. The end.

However, this last time around, I've realized a couple things:
1. I love Jesus
2. I want family built on a solid Gospel foundation
3. In order to have a Christ-centered home, I must have a Christ-centered husband.

And for some reason, despite facts 1 & 2, I cannot find a freakin #3. For some unknown reason I'm not typically attracted to LDS guys, and for probably the same reason, they're not really attracted to me. It's strange, I know, but true. So this last time, instead of throwing myself emotionally into a trainwreck of the heart, I've decided to sacrifice what I want right now, for what I really want - an eternal family.

It's probably one of the most torturous thing I've ever done to myself. But, I know that sometimes the Lord is already handing us the blessings we want, but we are way to occupied with the mediocrity we happen to be clinging to. Let's hope this is the case.....or else....

Just kidding. When I typed "Just let it go" into Google this is what came up. How could I say no to the Angel of Death? Look how cute he is...see what I mean? Always attracted to the dark ones.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...

Or I'm Mormon. So not really.

Let's talk about NCMOs. You all know you've had one. Even those of us who try to pass it off by dating someone we really don't like and continuously telling them (and yourself) that "you still want to give them a chance even though you're not committed because you, in all actuality, don't know".... regardless of the fact that all you do is make out with them....yeah, you know. You know deep in the recesses of your conscience that you're just in it for the lip action.

Those of you who know me, know that I don't believe in NCMOs. Mostly because I don't believe in hurting others, or knowingly thrusting myself into heartache. And let's face it, no one has ever come out of one of those unscathed. At the very least, you feel dirty and used, and even if you weren't interested, the moment you're done it's a freakin race to get the hottest boyfriend possible before he shows up with America's next top model.

With all that being said, there's lots of boy talk and making out flying around our house these days, and it's making me itch just a little...or a lot. But regardless of how much I wanna put my tally on that white board (honestly, who does that!?...) becoming a lesser human being by abasing my morals and giving in to some lustful desire that's just going to leave me feeling crappy at the end anyway, is totally not worth it.

So in the mean time, I'll be over here. With my self-imposed hyper-chaste morals keeping me warm at night.

Chocolate or Vanilla?

So I've been thinking....about dating. It's a lot like food.

I really love brussel sprouts. I also really love sushi, broccoli, eggplant, dark chocolate, squash in all its varieties, chicken hearts, olives, mushrooms....the list goes on.

But I really detest Jello. Hate it. I mean seriously....look:

In nature bright colors = poisonous

Agh! .....oh......oh ew...

Why is this bedded in arugala!?

This recipe exists. I own the cookbook.
(Not funny mom.)

It's milky....and white....with colored chunks?

And if it's not disgusting enough by itself....

But I digress....

I also don't like french fries, maraschino cherries, coffee flavoring, mint in my chocolate, bleu cheese, salmon, and in general I'm EXTREMELY selective about my hamburgers.

Now, this isn't about my tastebuds, so stop being outraged. Just because I don't like those things doesn't mean that they're bad (Except Jello). And just because I like the other things, doesn't mean that they're good, it just means I like them. It's a matter of preference.

Dating is the same. It's all a matter of preference. I like tall guys with dark hair. I also like them super confident, slightly sassy, and exceptionally smart, cause let's face it...I need to be put in my place :) However, this doesn't mean that nobody ever likes smaller, quiet, shy guys. In fact, it doesn't mean that I don't like them. It just means that I prefer the other one. It's what I'm attracted to. But, just like my tastebuds, I can change over time. Sometimes even if I'm not initially attracted to a guy, he grows on me and my preference changes, and sometimes it doesn't. 

So people, what I'm trying to say is: when I say that I want the vanilla ice cream instead of the chocolate, it's not because the chocolate sucks (we all know that's not true). It's because I prefer it. And when the cute boy I like decides to go for the younger, more petite, lots of eyeliner girl, it's not because she's better than me, it's because she's different, and that different happens to be his vanilla. 

One Less Lonely Girl...

I got into a pretty heated discussion about dating and "the Lord's timing" a couple weeks ago. It was the usual: Girls complaining about not being asked on dates, Guys complaining about girls complaining, and everyone coming to the same resolutions "Well, there really aren't any answers," and "It'll all happen in the Lord's time."

First of all, let's talk about there not being any answers. Really!? Marriage is a commandment, the highest ordinance one can receive in this life. Eternal families are the whole reason we're here. Plus, with how often we get the marriage talk, do you really think that the Lord is going to leave us with zero answers?  Go ahead...think about it...

Didn't think so.

So for those of you sitting around wondering "Why am I still single?" let me give you my 2 cents: I believe that we all need to form our own "Dating Identity."

Story time!
Once upon a time I had a roommate who consistently had at least 5 different suitors at a time. I, on the other hand, had none. So in order the gain the attention of the male population, I would observe the behaviors of said fair maiden and try to mimic her actions. When I did this, not only did I feel like I was living a lie, but my efforts were completely unsuccessful, because we were 2 entirely different people. However, there were still 2 undeniable facts:

1. I had no dates
2. She had lots

But when I was trying to be like her, my efforts were failing miserably. Why? Well, because I wasn't her. She had the gift to be sincerely interested in everything about everyone. Plus, she had the hair flipping, arm touching and cute laughing all perfectly timed to the millisecond. I didn't have any of that, in fact, my strengths are completely different....not to mention I'm not really good at timing the hair flip/lip lick/cute giggle thing.....

So how was I supposed to get a boy's attention!?

Always distracted by food....

Well, I realized that she didn't actually have anything special, she just knew how be her "shiniest" self. Which meant all I really needed to do was harness the most comfortable, confident, out-going Sarah that existed. So I took a self assessment, and found my shiny alter-ego: witty, sassy, side-smile, squeeze-his-bicep Sarah.

The end.

Good story huh? :)

Basically, when we say we have no answers, it's because we think we need to be or say or do something that feels very unlike us. But in all reality, you need to be, say and do things that are 100% you. So figure out who your flirting alter-ego is and run with it. And in case you care, here's my 3-part formula for flirting comfortability:

1. Recognize your own talents and gifts - These are tools the Lord has given you, as you grow and develop them, your confidence around people grows because you feel like you have something to offer.
2.Do whatever it is you need to do to feel attractive - not be attractive, that's subjective. If you feel attractive, you're going to look attractive, and vice versa.
3. Forward momentum - You have to make some kind of movement. Fate doesn't exist, and God doesn't bless the lazy or the stupid. Get out of your comfort zone and make the magic happen.

Which brings me to "it's all in the Lord's timing," need I refer you all to President Uchtdorf's talk on Patience yet again?

"...Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results don’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears... It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed."

Thank you Dieter, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, if we apply this to dating, I ask you:

Are you doing all you can to pursue marriage? If not, stop complaining and ask the Lord what else you can do. If you are, you shouldn't be complaining anyway.

To the Boys

And boys you shall remain until you can follow these simple rules of engagement (no pun intended).

This weekend I went on a double date. And while it was completely out of the blue and extremely thrown together last minute, it was the best date of my life. Why you ask?

                                           

Midnight Capture the Flag with Nerf Guns

How could that be more awesome!? That's right, it can't.

And this superbly fantastic date got me thinking about some things. So here we go. Boys, pay close attention.

Dating do: Spontaneity. Last minute is cute, endearing, fun and really exciting. Especially for someone like me who has their life completely mapped out to the minute. I welcome distractions.

However, let me tell you about the experience I had the following day:

 Boy is texting me and asks what I'm doing that night. I tell him I'm going to the Bee's game and he says "You should ditch it and come on a date with me." I figure I could be persuaded, so I ask him what we're gonna do and he responds with "Eat food. Whatever you like doing."

What!? No.

Dating don't: Do not play the "ball is in your court" game. When it comes to planning dates, keep the ball. The ball is yours, do not pass it! Remember that you're wooing us. Your job is to make me feel special. My job is to laugh a lot, look/smell really good, continuously touch your elbow/knee/hand, lick my lips and look at you longingly until you want to kiss me. See, the dating game is more like football than tennis. Let's break it down to make sure we all understand:

We start off with our passing game:
You see girl and smile: the ball has been passed
She smiles: She's passed it back!
You approach girl and begin talking:
*Ball is passed back and forth as conversation ensues....*
You ask for her number: Passed the ball
She gives you her number: She passes it back


You now have the ball. Don't give it up. We've moved to the running game: no lateral passes, no fumbling. You are the running back. You cling to that ball like it is your child and you run with it until you cannot run anymore. Now that you've planned the date and she's accepted, we're back to the passing game:

You pick her up: Ball passed
She flirts and is a quality date the entire time....
*important, she still has the ball*
At some point, either vocally or via text, she thanks you and openly encourages a second date: Ball passed back to you.

You now have the ball and we're back to the running game. Now, if you choose, run with it until you can't run anymore.

Women want to feel special. We want to feel like you thought about us. You'll notice that both instances were last minute, in fact, Date #1 had much less time to plan than Date #2 did, but the difference is that he made a decision, and there is something absolutely sexy about a man who makes decisions. It shows confidence. Had Date #2 responded with something like "Don't worry about it, I'll make it worth it. How about 7:00?" I would've laughed, shaken my head and said "Ok :)" (See how I did that with the texting smiley? That's a good sign.)

So what have we learned here? 

1. Girls want to feel special
2. Girls expect boys to make decisions
3. Until boys start making decisions, they will remain boys.

Please direct any hatemail to sarah@boysshouldmakemoredecisions.com and have a great day! :)

I Like Boys.

The other day I had two interesting experiences. Both with close guy friends.

Experience 1:

Me: "In 25 years I have been asked out, actually asked on a date, twice. How does that not make me feel unattractive?"
Friend 1: *Stares in space trying to think of the right thing to say*
I could see his gears working real hard so I just waited patiently. After an extended silence...
Friend 1: Yeah, this is where guys and girls are different.....*shrugs* just don't feel that way.
Me: Yeah......that doesn't work.

Experience 2: Discussing a past relationship

Friend 2: She's the one who distanced herself from me, and that was hard, but now that I'm over her she's being all weird and interested in my life again...
Me: Well, girls have to go through a process. After a breakup they have to distance themselves because we're naturally optimistic creatures and if any semblance of hope remains, she'll just always hold onto it. So we have to vilify you in our minds so that the optimism dies. But once that process is complete she needs to come back to make sure it's really dead. Now that's the tricky part because inevitably feelings come back, and, especially if she's lonely, she may try to talk herself back into it, but ultimately what she wants is closure, it's just going to take her a minute to talk herself into actually letting the door close.
Friend 2: *laughing* What!? .....Girls are weird.

And never has a truer statement been made. We are so weird!!! We're so weird we don't even understand us. It's like freaking Wheel of Fortune in our heads all day long. But instead of varying amounts of money, they're emotions. And the wheel is spun by hormones. Sometimes you get 3 R's at 1,000 bucks a piece, and life is good. And sometimes you hit Bankrupt.

Sometimes I wonder why God made us like this. Especially when men are such simple creatures. With such a distinct difference how have people been getting married all these years!? How do boys even like us with all our complications? Personally, I see nothing attractive about women. We're small and we're always freezing. We shed all over the place, and as I've mentioned, we're pretty needy and emotionally complicated. Who wants that?

Men on the other hand, they got all sorts of good stuff going for them. They're all sorts of warm and comfy. There's nothing better than being the little spoon...am I right? When you're with them you feel all safe and cozy, plus because of their lack of emotion, you get to just throw yours out and they make it all better by just holding you. And regardless of the fact that they can be kinda smelly sometimes, the stuff that they use to cover it up is amazing!!! It just makes you wanna snuggle more.

However, when I talk to my guy friends, they feel the exact opposite. They think of all these really great things about girls...things I can't even remember. So I guess the reason the Lord made us like this is because we're complimentary. And eternally I feel like our purpose is to balance each other out.

The best example I have of this is me and one of my friends. We are very different individuals. To put it in the simplest terms: you know the saying "All or nothing?" She is all, and I am nothing. While she's off overdoing things, I'm over here underdoing it. However, we've realized we both need to be somewhere in the middle, and have started learning from each other.

That's how I feel men and women should be. Both genders have their strengths and weaknesses, neither is better than the other, but we can both learn something from one another. Which is why I like boys so much, because they balance me. I feel less emotional when I'm around them, like the wheel in my head isn't spinning so much, and I can just be calm, for just a minute.

Bachelor #1

Last night I went in for the nightly feeding of Joplin, and found her keeled over in her wheel breathing extremely shallow. I've seen her in hibernation before, and this wasn't it. I became really worried. She was responsive, but barely. From what I could tell she hadn't touched her food in days and she was pretty skinny. So I quickly Googled how to nurse a malnourished hedgehog back to health, ran to the store to get all the essentials, and came back to care for the little one.

Let's quickly jump back a couple months to my What is the Deal post:

After posting it I got a text from Bachelor #1 praising my blogging talents, and offering an open invitation to discuss the male psyche whenever I wanted. I said I'd take him up on that and call him soon. As those of you who are close to me know, the word "soon" usually means 3 months to never. Finally, Sunday night said Bachelor called and said "I'm sick of waiting for you to call." ...I like boldness. It's hot :) Unfortunately I was at a social event and had to call him back....

Last night:

As I was awake, nursing my sick hedgehog back to health, I decided to call him. We small talked, he'd owned hedgehogs in the past and assured me Joplin would pull through. Then he cut to the chase (again with the boldness...excellently done Bachelor #1) and brought up my blog post. He even had the gumption to ask which of the Bachelors he was....I immediately sang "You're So Vain."

To make a long story with lots of ego-boosting-yet-boring-irrelevant details short, he explained his behavior, and it was pretty much as I suspected. He did like me, but has had a string of bad long-distance relationships, and since he lives out of state he decided to break the chain, a decision I completely agree with.

Now, there are a few reasons for this post:

1. This is what my friend Lauren calls "a win." A boy that I liked, liked me back. And there's nothing better than falling asleep curled up next to your sick hedgehog thinking about that :)

2. I know when a boy likes me....I know when a boy likes me. This is a useful skill.

3. Bachelor #1 increased in sexiness by about 50 points for acting like a man last night. Finally someone who has enough confidence in himself to not only fess up to feelings, but who is willing to be 100% honest about a situation. And because I know that you, sir, are stalking my blog, Congratulations :)

Ladies and Gentleman of the SBSA (Sarah Blog-Stalker Association), I would like to tell you to hold on to hope. Dating, like any other principle of the Gospel, is a simple 3 step process:

1. Pray and tell Heavenly Father what you want, being as specific as possible.
2. Ask what your part in bring this prayer to fruition is. Be willing to bend to His will. After all, He does know what's best for you better than you do :)
3. Act in Patience. Others have said it better than me:

"Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." -D&C 123:17

"...Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience [requires] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don’t] appear instantly or without effort." - Elder Uchtdorf


The desired outcome may not happen immediately, in fact, it probably won't. But, if you continue to act in faith for however long it takes, there will be wins along the way!
Oh, and Joplin is feeling much better this morning :)

Death and Rebirth...

In the world of dating, you have Carrots and Doors:

Carrots are fun.They dangle in the back of your mind and you can think about them occasionally, while entertaining the idea of going to play with it at some future date. Then every once in a while, you stretch your little bunny legs and take a shot at getting it down from it's perch. The Carrot is carefree, without commitment and is generally good dating exercise.

Doors are a little more complicated. Doors are to be walked through, they take commitment and dedication, and can only exist when the desire for one is mutual, and intentions are pure. You spend ample time pondering about what lies beyond the door, and weighing your options to see if it's what you really want. And much like Let's Make a Deal, it's a gamble. Door #1 may not contain the shiny new car you were hoping for, leaving you filled with disappointment, and a continued quest for another Door.

Now, while Doors tend to be scarier than Carrots, they're essentially what we're all looking for. Within each of us is a desire to walk through a good Door, and never have to search for another one ever again.

Yesterday I closed a very old Door. The feelings are mature, they've been tried, and tested and they run extremely deep, but have never been expressed by either party. For a long time I've wondered if it even was a  Door....it felt like more than a Carrot, and when we were together it felt like more of a Door than I've ever known.... Just recently we were honest with each other. We had both, most certainly, been keeping this door alive - for years - but walking through that door required more than either of us could give, not because we were selfish....in fact it was the opposite. Because we loved each other, we knew that this place we had reached had to be the end. To go further than this would mean the deterioration of everything we had built. So now, here we stood, before this door that had always been envisioned but had never actually manifested, and just moments after it came into being, we chose to let it go...

To be honest, I hurt.

For majority of my adult life, this Door has been in my heart as a place of safety and refuge; a sanctuary I could visit in moments of distress. It was a place of hope that embodied the happiest moments of my life. Something I'd kept sacred and told no one about...and now I feel it slowly fading away as each memory comes back individually to say good-bye. It hurts...differently than it's ever hurt before. It's a mourning for a future that, for 7 years, had been carefully woven together with hope and love, but can never exist. 

Fortunately the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, timed the passing of this Door in the middle of a Carrot...a good, light-hearted, fun, extremely casual, catered-to-my-current-needs...Carrot. 

It just reminds me that, in all things, death always brings new life.

What is the Deal!?

WARNING: It's about to get real...and maybe a little sassy. Consider this a satire ;)

So after my "Can I Get a Translator?" post I was talking to one of my buddies from the mission about it and he told me that it made him feel like a total bum. After an apology and further interrogation, I discovered that he had pulled many a stunt similar to those of Bachelors 1-3. I listened intently, put myself in his shoes, and was taken on a grand tour of the male psyche. There were a couple well made points, and when all was said and done I concluded with: "I retract my previous apology. You deserve to feel like a bum."

What is it with boys? What exactly are you looking/waiting for? Because after discussing The Great Dating Famine of 2011 with some of my girl friends, I'm discovering that we good LDS women are continuously being placed into one of two categories by the male half of the species:

Homies and NCMO's

Let's explore shall we?

Homies: This is my personal favorite, because for the last 25 years of my life I have been locked into this category. Seriously, my guy friend quota is filled. Off the top of my head I can come up with 8 guys I could just call to kick it right now. That's enough to fill every night of the week, and if you gave me 5 more minutes, I'm sure I could fill 2. Now, is this really productive to the overall goal of Eternal Companionship? The answer is no. I know it, you know it, and my guy friends know it. So here's the deal, if you're trying to date me and it appears that I've been flirting with you (i.e. lots of texting, multiple invites to things, baked goods, touching of the elbow, witty banter...), it's cause I want you to ask me on a date. Which, in case you didn't know, is code for "Eventually, I would like to make out with you". This isn't an episode of "Paris Hilton's my new BFF." I want to date you.

NCMO's: Honestly, I feel like this may be worse than the Homie category. I have no experience on this topic, as I am morally opposed to them. However, I have friends who do, and if being in an ambiguous friendship/relationship isn't already confusing enough to the emotion-driven female mind, throwing physical intimacy into the mix just creates a hyper-sensitive estrogen cocktail of death...

So can anyone explain to me why it's gotta be this way? Why aren't dates happening? Because myself and plenty other great women I know continuously hear from guys that we're going to be amazing wives and mothers, or we're absolutely beautiful, fun and awesome, but these compliments are never followed up by an invitation for a date. So dear stalkers (especially those of you men who are reading, but pretending you aren't...), will someone tell me what it is we lack? Why exactly are there are so many good women who just aren't good enough?

Seriously....start talking :)

Can I get a translator?

Now, let's get one thing straight. I, Sarah Murray, have always been one of the guys. I relate with them better. Maybe it's cause I like sports. Maybe it's cause I've always been good at climbing trees, or cause I don't like a lot of make-up and prefer jeans and Converse. Who really knows? The point is, I spend a lot of my time with boys, which means I'm pretty good at understanding what's going on in their heads. Or at least I thought I was.

In the last few months, I've been quite proud of my dating efforts, and have actually been on a few really good dates.  However, because of my complete inexperience, I don't actually know what to do after a good first date. I'm not even used to having them....I'm used to being set up and wondering the whole time why anybody would think the two of us had anything in common. However, recently, 3 of my firsts have stuck out as pretty good ones....but they've gotten....weird.

Welcome to The Dating Game...

Bachelor #1: I liked him from the start. Super tall, and funny, with the sweetest, most comfortable personality I've ever encountered. He was sensitive, but not in the super-girly weird way. Just...aware. We had great date, with excellent conversation. Post-date he became super hit and miss. He was either ridiculously alert and attentive, or completely ignoring me. To the point of not even making eye-contact. It was weird, and contact continues to be flakey...at best. 

Bachelor #2: We didn't really know each other, but he came highly recommended by some pretty trustworthy people. He was all the right kinds of sarcasm, made me laugh, and definitely not too hard on the eyes. When later asked by friends how the date went, I described it as a four star date (the highest rating in Sarah book of dating). He was attentive, tons of fun, and did all the date-like things. Our interactions continue to be limited, but flirtatious, and when we exist in the same space he generally makes the first move. However, despite having my number, he's never used it.

Bachelor #3: Set up by a mutual friend upon my request, this was possibly the most fun I have had on a date in a long time. He was absolutely hilarious, and from what I gathered, we jived pretty well. I even flirted, like real flirting. If you would've seen it, you would've known I was interested. Impressive right? I thought so. Afterward, I facebook stalked him like I've never done before. I legitimately liked this kid. Again, post-date contact has been limited to sparse texting, and no further dates have even been alluded to.

So in this here dating game, I'm just wondering: Does anyone speak boy? Anyone? Cause I thought I did, but apparently when my emotions are involved, the world stops making sense. And when nothing makes sense I automatically try to make it make sense. So, faithful readers, would you like to know what I've figured out? Two things.

1. In all 3 cases, I just don't know, and there's nothing I can do to know.
2. I'm sick of chasing boys.

Now normally when I like a boy, I will insert myself into his life, and try everything I can to spend time with him, which as you can see, hasn't been especially effective. I'm now 25, and in being so, have grown tired of running around the playground trying to kiss boys. So, here's the conclusion:

I'm kind of a catch. I feel like I got a lot of things going for me, and for that reason, I need to start making boys work for it. I ain't just handing this out like Jolly Ranchers at the Macy's Day Parade. If I'm going to do my part to put out all the right signs, and encourage said male, he's going to have to do his part to make something happen. My friend told me once that if a girl doesn't make him work at least a little bit, he never really appreciates what he has.

So here's to the ever so daunting task of finding a Mormon boy who's willing to man-up.

Check!

My good friend and co-worker Tess has recently become my dating consultant. Back in the day, before she was married, she was what I like to refer to as the "pied piper of men." She had skill. So she's got some good advice. One of the most important ones I've collected from her is this:

Throw out the checklist.

The longer we're out in the dating world, the longer our list becomes. We start to realize "I could never date a guy who's passive," "I need someone with direction," "I want him to be outgoing," blah, blah, blah. Let's remember here kids....we're the single ones, which means we don't actually know what we want in a husband. I'm sure if we talked to all our married friends, most of them didn't get "everything they wanted" but they still love their spouses.

Of course we want to keep the most important things, but everything else prevents us from finding the hidden gems of the world. I'm done hearing my friends say "he's just so quiet" or "he watches Family Guy" or "I've never seen him bear his testimony" before anyone's even gone on a date. Well...ya know what? I'm shy in huge groups of people, I can be painfully blunt, and 90% of the time I'm thinking sexual innuendos during a perfectly innocent conversation...but I'm still kinda awesome right? I mean...you are reading my blog.

So Tess has recommended that I throw out my checklist of ridiculousity (real word) until (insert boy) and I are discussing marriage. Which is exactly what I intend to do, because the way I see it...dating isn't marriage. It's dating. Which is supposed to be fun, so why would I complicate it with a checklist? Especially when I've never even had a real conversation with the guy.

I got lists at work. That's good enough.

Mawiage is What Bwings us Togevah Today

Ok. I get the point....it's time to get married. We all have our own reasons for why we're still single, and with all this added "pressure" I've noticed a few basic coping mechanisms (note: I'm aware these are extreme. Don't send me hate mail):

1. The Panic-ers - their spouse died in the war in heaven, and they are, therefore, doomed to eternal singlehood

2. The Independents - because of the excessive social pressure they rebel against the "norm" and continue in a leisurely recreational lifestyle.

and....

3. The Bitters - since all men are jerks, and all women are crazy, they've simply given up hope on the opposite gender all together.


I personally like to dabble with a light swim in each of these pools from time to time, but, as with all issues that I don't really have an opinion on, I generally try to remove myself from the situation all together. However, with all of this talk of eternal companions flying around how can I not help but wonder where I stand on the subject of marriage?

As a young single Latter-Day Saint, it's nearly impossible to not feel conflicted when the topic comes up. Do I want to be married? Absolutely! I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother, and soon. I love the principle of eternal progression, and the idea of being able to work with the man I love to gain exaltation happens to be my idea of Happily Ever After. But this is the only ordinance of the gospel that deals with the agency of others, meaning I get to continuously throw myself into situations where my heart has the potential to be shattered into a million pieces. Stellar.

On top of that, I was raised to be independent, and to not rely on others for what I could provide for myself, including self-love. If I can't love myself how can I love others, right? Now, I think I got the self-esteem thing down pretty well, but can you, as a single person, honestly admit to me that you love crawling into bed by yourself at night? Yeah, me either. No matter how independent we are, we all need love and companionship, because the Lord made us that way. And that God-given desire for companionship has to constantly defend itself to our egos, who say "I don't need anyone else in my life"; but the truth is, that while my self-worth is not based on the love that I receive from others, I still need it.

I've decided that all of these reasons are why it's considered the "Crowning Ordinance" of the Gospel. Marriage is the institution where the Lord teaches us, not only to love something more than ourselves, but to gain the ability to receive that love from someone else. It requires us to become completely selfless, and is the only ordinance that can give us a glimpse of what it feels like to love others perfectly. But to obtain that divine love, we have to work impossibly hard, and with the word "Eternal" attached to the word "Companion," marriage can seem pretty daunting.

So with all these thoughts, floating around, I've decided that it is, in fact, time for me to get married. Not for me to panic and throw myself at a bunch of men, but time for me to throw away my checklist, ignore those little pangs of fear, and have some freaking fun. So....

Bring it.

This is How I Feel Today