Breaking the Silence: The LGBT, Mormon Feminist Issue

This morning my heart is full. Full of sadness and sorrow, heartbreak, compassion, and love. When I was 18 I chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I chose it because I knew it was true. I had seen the guiding hand and loving concern of a Father in heaven reaching out to me and asking me to come to him. As I came to him I felt the cleansing and purifying power of the Atonement of his son Jesus Christ. I felt strength, power, and wholeness as I began to live my life striving everyday to be more like him. As I fought and struggled to find my footing in this new and unusual world of Mormonism I fell over and over again. Each time my Savior was there to wipe my tears, comfort me, and - when I was ready - carry me back to the path. Over time I began to learn to navigate the ins and outs of the culture, and I grew in the strength of the doctrines.

But soon I began to realize disconnects. The rose colored glasses of my conversion began to come off, and I saw reality. I saw hypocrisy, fear, betrayal, and even hate. I started to see the difference between the culture and the doctrine and I had to choose to lay my faith in Christ.

Eventually situations such as Proposition 8 arose, and I saw the divide of my friends. People that I had always loved spoke out in anger and hatred against me for the things that "my church" had done. I was hurt. I was torn. How could I stand and defend the doctrines that I had come to know were true and simultaneously come to the rescue of those that I loved so strongly? I did nothing.

Here I am nearly 6 years later still having not made a stand.

And the truth is that I know where I stand, I simply don't know how to express it. So this is my attempt. My attempt to say all of the feelings that are in my heart without sufficient words, context, power, tone and medium. Forgive me if I say something amiss, or if something is left un-clarified. I pray that those of you who know me will remember the great desire of my heart to embrace and protect others from suffering. Those of you who don't know me, please know I only wish to comfort and heal.

I believe that there is only one who can provide a satisfactory explanation for all parties, and it is on His side that I stand. The Lord Jesus Christ alone can explain the doctrines of His Gospel. They are not for me to change. With that said, the very doctrines that deem the priesthood to be held by every worthy male, and marriage to be between a man and a woman have commanded us to love. It is not suggested, we are not asked to merely tolerate or "play nice." We are commanded to love. Obedience to commandments is an agentive act. We choose love, or we choose anger, fear and hatred. Opening our hearts in compassion and acceptance is a choice and if we stand idly by we are just as guilty in our sin of omission. Remember that Christ suffered for all. Not so that we can be fearful and divided, but to unify us through his infinite and perfect love.

Yes, I believe differently than the majority - I support marriage between a man and a woman, and I believe that God himself has asked men to hold his priesthood. Yes, there are doctrines of the LDS Church that I do not understand. But when I chose to be baptized into this Gospel ten years ago it served as a witness of my belief in a living prophet upon this Earth, and as I emerged from the water I covenanted with my Creator to sustain him as such. And in that same covenant I promised to bear the burdens of my Earthly brothers and sisters, mourn with them, and comfort them in their times of need.

To those of you who have been wounded by proclaimed Christians, I wish to apologize. For those of you that I may have hurt in my silence, or otherwise, I ask your forgiveness. We can have differences of belief and practice and be unified in our love and respect. To my gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and feminist friends: my arms and heart are open to you. I pray for your pains, and your burdens to be healed and lifted. I pray that my heart and mind can be even more open and compassionate toward you. Please know that I am not the only one, and we openly proclaim that you are always welcome; you are His, and therefore ours.

In The Interim...

Lately I've been feeling a lot of things:

Inadequacy

Heartbreak

Homesickness

Discouragement

Fear

Overwhelment

Frustration

And all of that coupled with a highly active church calling and feeling like I'm behind at work leads to lots of over-thinking. Church today was definitely needed. I realized that regardless of all of the things that are going on in my life, despite all of the emotions that I'm feeling there is only one thing that matters: My relationship with the Savior. It is my anchor in the storm, and when there is too much to handle - and I can't even hold all of my tasks in one hand, let alone accomplish them all - if I, like Peter walking on the water, just keep my eyes on the Savior, I can accomplish miracles in the storms of my life. 

I used to see church as an inconvenience, 3 hours of meetings that I had to sit through. But now it's my refuge. Today I walked in "ready for bed." I was tired, beaten down, grumpy and completely antisocial. I have to admit that the thought of sitting through Sacrament talks was almost too much for me. But as each speaker spoke I felt life being slowly breathed back into my soul. My light, which had been dimmed by the world throughout the week, was being replenished by the Spirit. It was a magnificent feeling. And while I still felt tired, I also felt joy and light. 

The Gospel is my refuge from the storm, and each day I grow continually more and more grateful for it in my life. 

I painted this for a friend. It represents where I want to be...

 6 Yea, they shall not be beaten down by the storm at the last day; yea, neither shall they be harrowed up by the whirlwinds; but when the storm cometh they shall be gathered together in their place, that the storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry them.

 7 But behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day.

Death and Rebirth...

In the world of dating, you have Carrots and Doors:

Carrots are fun.They dangle in the back of your mind and you can think about them occasionally, while entertaining the idea of going to play with it at some future date. Then every once in a while, you stretch your little bunny legs and take a shot at getting it down from it's perch. The Carrot is carefree, without commitment and is generally good dating exercise.

Doors are a little more complicated. Doors are to be walked through, they take commitment and dedication, and can only exist when the desire for one is mutual, and intentions are pure. You spend ample time pondering about what lies beyond the door, and weighing your options to see if it's what you really want. And much like Let's Make a Deal, it's a gamble. Door #1 may not contain the shiny new car you were hoping for, leaving you filled with disappointment, and a continued quest for another Door.

Now, while Doors tend to be scarier than Carrots, they're essentially what we're all looking for. Within each of us is a desire to walk through a good Door, and never have to search for another one ever again.

Yesterday I closed a very old Door. The feelings are mature, they've been tried, and tested and they run extremely deep, but have never been expressed by either party. For a long time I've wondered if it even was a  Door....it felt like more than a Carrot, and when we were together it felt like more of a Door than I've ever known.... Just recently we were honest with each other. We had both, most certainly, been keeping this door alive - for years - but walking through that door required more than either of us could give, not because we were selfish....in fact it was the opposite. Because we loved each other, we knew that this place we had reached had to be the end. To go further than this would mean the deterioration of everything we had built. So now, here we stood, before this door that had always been envisioned but had never actually manifested, and just moments after it came into being, we chose to let it go...

To be honest, I hurt.

For majority of my adult life, this Door has been in my heart as a place of safety and refuge; a sanctuary I could visit in moments of distress. It was a place of hope that embodied the happiest moments of my life. Something I'd kept sacred and told no one about...and now I feel it slowly fading away as each memory comes back individually to say good-bye. It hurts...differently than it's ever hurt before. It's a mourning for a future that, for 7 years, had been carefully woven together with hope and love, but can never exist. 

Fortunately the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, timed the passing of this Door in the middle of a Carrot...a good, light-hearted, fun, extremely casual, catered-to-my-current-needs...Carrot. 

It just reminds me that, in all things, death always brings new life.

Souls Knit as One..

I love people. I love everything about them: good, bad, crazy, spiritual, indifferent....I love it all because I find a piece of myself within each element of each individual. There is nothing more difficult, or more rewarding than seeing a human being as the Savior sees them, no matter how long you've known them. The time and energy and most importantly, the love that that takes to see it is immense, but the end result is what the Lord described in 1 Samuel 18:1 where Jonathan's soul is" knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

I love that "...and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

Whenever I read that scripture, distinct images of friends that I have that love for come to my mind. Tonight I had a chance to spend some time with one of those friends... Our friendship is one of beautiful orchestration, not in the utopian sense of the word, but in the truest sense: where the situations that brought us together were of Divine origin, and though heart-wrenching, testified of a Father's love for His children, evidence that safety nets are placed along our way; for those moments when we simply can't walk the straight and narrow anymore, when we're too bruised and worn down, and when our souls are so tired that we can't possibly carry ourselves anymore....our Heavenly Father, in all His infinite wisdom, has placed someone there to catch us. And it's in these moments, the moments where we are either catching, or being caught, that hearts and souls are eternally bound together. These are moments when we become the Savior's hands, reaching out to our fallen brothers and sisters, following His will.

This may not make much sense, but what I'm trying to say, is that I am grateful for not only the Lord's trust, but the trust of friends, who before this world even began, believed in my ability to catch them when they fall. I'm grateful that I get to be an answer to a prayer, and in the process, learn to love a soul as I love my own.

The Master's Touch

As I’ve been reading the New Testament this year I’ve been amazed at all of the healing that Christ did during His ministry. Today I was reading in Luke 6 when Christ heals a man with a withered hand, and I thought to myself “This man already had the faith to be healed; he is there in front of the Savior, waiting patiently, with his ailment, for his turn to feel the Master’s touch.” Then I wondered what it would be like if we could actually see the ailments that the Lord has healed in those around us; our friends, family, mere acquaintances. How differently would we treat them if we only knew their struggles? I personally have had those moments when the Savior’s touch was the only thing that could retrieve me from my own thoughts, and bring me back to light.

As I kept reading I noticed the small things the Savior asked this man to do, and realized that in all of His healings He gives a small command to the person being healed. In this case He asks the man to “Rise up, and stand forth in the midst,” and the man followed. Then, the Savior says “Stretch forth thy hand. And he did so: and his hand was restored whole as the other.” For each of our individual trials, struggles, and ailments – whether they are emotional or physical – the Lord gives us small commands, which bring us to the moment that we will be restored whole, complete. But we must prepare for this moment of perfection, because ultimately it is through these small acts of obedience that we attain it. It is in each of these individual moments that we reach out to the Savior, and seek to feel His touch, even if it is simply the hem of His robe. 

Let the Weak Say 'I am Strong'...

It's been forever, and there's so much on my mind, so I'll just go with the most prevalent of all the thoughts:

The Savior loves each of us with an incomprehensible amount of pure, unconditional love. It's a brand of love that has never come from any human I've ever associated with, and have never felt anywhere else other than in my quiet moments of prayer and pondering. And what's even more amazing still, is that this love comes even when I am broken down in the depths of despair because I know that I have let Him down. I've somewhere along the way stumbled and fallen off the path back to Him, and I'm so broken and bruised that I feel like I can't possibly make my way there. But He always appears, full of love and forgiveness, and without question, picks me up and carries me the rest of the way. He heals my wounds, no matter how deep. And fills me with peace and comfort. He lifts my burdens, calms the storms of life, and softens the harsh blows of the adversary.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior and Protector. No matter the degree of my mistakes, or the depth of my pain, He can and will always make it better. He is constant in His forgiveness, and ever patient with me. And for that I will forever serve Him.

It's true. It. Is. True.

In my recent move I acquired a new roommate by the name of Kristine. I met her through a mutual friend, and we were instantaneous friends. She's cool, normal, and generally considered one of the guys....sounds just like me! :)

A brief background of Kristine: she's 23, recently divorced, and hasn't been active in the church since she was about 15. Due to a series of events she decided a couple months ago to try to get back to church...with no real testimony or idea of why. Basically, I was taking a huge chance on being roommates with her, but I felt very impressed that it was something that I needed to do. So I took the leap, and made the move.

Yesterday, church was phenomenal. I haven't felt the Spirit, or received revelation like that in a while. My emotions were very close to the surface and the Spirit was booming the whole time. And it wasn't just me who thought so. After Relief Society quite a few people expressed the same feelings. So when we got home and Kristine said "I'm starting to feel like this whole thing is a lie." I was slightly taken aback. 

I spent the next hour with her in our kitchen discussing the experiences she'd had thus far, what she remembered the Spirit feeling like, how she can feel it again, and comparing my conversion process to what she was currently going through. At the end I actually felt pretty defeated about the whole thing... like I hadn't gotten through at all, and that maybe the doubt was already too deep. So I finished up by just saying "Kristine, I know that you may not know if it's true, but I do. Regardless of how you feel now, you'll know, because this is the Lord's gospel, and He will tell you." She just got really silent and we went off our separate ways.

This morning while I was at work I got a text message from her that said "It's true. It. Is. True." Immediately I felt the familiar joy of the Spirit starting to flood my soul. I texted her back and said "Please tell me we're talking about the Gospel." And of course she was. All day today I've felt like I felt on the mission. There is no better feeling than the one you feel when someone learns for themselves that they are a child of an Eternal Father who loves them perfectly, no matter their mistakes. To know that we're not alone in this life, and we never ever have to make a decision on our own ever again, that there is eternal life after this, a life that we can have with our families...is the most beautiful gift that has ever been given. 

I can't wait to get home so that I can hug her... I've been on the verge of happy tears all day long. I'm so grateful for the Atonement, and what it's done for me. The Savior's love has literally transformed me, and now I have the chance to share it with others. What greater gift is there?