Breaking the Silence: The LGBT, Mormon Feminist Issue

This morning my heart is full. Full of sadness and sorrow, heartbreak, compassion, and love. When I was 18 I chose to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I chose it because I knew it was true. I had seen the guiding hand and loving concern of a Father in heaven reaching out to me and asking me to come to him. As I came to him I felt the cleansing and purifying power of the Atonement of his son Jesus Christ. I felt strength, power, and wholeness as I began to live my life striving everyday to be more like him. As I fought and struggled to find my footing in this new and unusual world of Mormonism I fell over and over again. Each time my Savior was there to wipe my tears, comfort me, and - when I was ready - carry me back to the path. Over time I began to learn to navigate the ins and outs of the culture, and I grew in the strength of the doctrines.

But soon I began to realize disconnects. The rose colored glasses of my conversion began to come off, and I saw reality. I saw hypocrisy, fear, betrayal, and even hate. I started to see the difference between the culture and the doctrine and I had to choose to lay my faith in Christ.

Eventually situations such as Proposition 8 arose, and I saw the divide of my friends. People that I had always loved spoke out in anger and hatred against me for the things that "my church" had done. I was hurt. I was torn. How could I stand and defend the doctrines that I had come to know were true and simultaneously come to the rescue of those that I loved so strongly? I did nothing.

Here I am nearly 6 years later still having not made a stand.

And the truth is that I know where I stand, I simply don't know how to express it. So this is my attempt. My attempt to say all of the feelings that are in my heart without sufficient words, context, power, tone and medium. Forgive me if I say something amiss, or if something is left un-clarified. I pray that those of you who know me will remember the great desire of my heart to embrace and protect others from suffering. Those of you who don't know me, please know I only wish to comfort and heal.

I believe that there is only one who can provide a satisfactory explanation for all parties, and it is on His side that I stand. The Lord Jesus Christ alone can explain the doctrines of His Gospel. They are not for me to change. With that said, the very doctrines that deem the priesthood to be held by every worthy male, and marriage to be between a man and a woman have commanded us to love. It is not suggested, we are not asked to merely tolerate or "play nice." We are commanded to love. Obedience to commandments is an agentive act. We choose love, or we choose anger, fear and hatred. Opening our hearts in compassion and acceptance is a choice and if we stand idly by we are just as guilty in our sin of omission. Remember that Christ suffered for all. Not so that we can be fearful and divided, but to unify us through his infinite and perfect love.

Yes, I believe differently than the majority - I support marriage between a man and a woman, and I believe that God himself has asked men to hold his priesthood. Yes, there are doctrines of the LDS Church that I do not understand. But when I chose to be baptized into this Gospel ten years ago it served as a witness of my belief in a living prophet upon this Earth, and as I emerged from the water I covenanted with my Creator to sustain him as such. And in that same covenant I promised to bear the burdens of my Earthly brothers and sisters, mourn with them, and comfort them in their times of need.

To those of you who have been wounded by proclaimed Christians, I wish to apologize. For those of you that I may have hurt in my silence, or otherwise, I ask your forgiveness. We can have differences of belief and practice and be unified in our love and respect. To my gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and feminist friends: my arms and heart are open to you. I pray for your pains, and your burdens to be healed and lifted. I pray that my heart and mind can be even more open and compassionate toward you. Please know that I am not the only one, and we openly proclaim that you are always welcome; you are His, and therefore ours.

Why I Believe

Today marks 8 years since the day I was baptized into the LDS Church. I keep feeling like I've added wrong because it can't possibly have been that long. Some days I feel like I'm still so behind in terms of the Gospel, and other days it feels like I've had it my whole life. There are times that I can't remember what it's like to live without it, and there are days that I remember all too vividly. Some of you have only known me as "Sarah the Mormon," and some of you have seen both sides, but I feel like whether you're LDS or not, the question always remains - Why do I believe?

I'm 26 and I don't drink, smoke, partake in any form of illicit drugs, or believe in premarital sex. Here in Utah it feels a little bit easier because there seem to be more people striving for the same things. But regardless of the fact that there are so many millions of us who all believe the same, if you asked every last Mormon on the planet why they believed what they did, you would get just as many different answers.

For me, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only constant in my life. Everything in our lives is conditional, inconsistent and temporal. It can all change within minutes. Even the stablest, most meaningful of relationships can crumble based on a person's choices. The Gospel, however, is Christ-centered. It is pure unaltered truth, and revolves around Him and His eternal teachings. Therefore, when life becomes convoluted and uncertain,  I have a sure foundation to hold on to.

I've heard plenty of arguments about weak individuals needing to believe in God, and their inability to believe in the power of the Human Spirit; but because I believe in God, I have reason to believe in the power of the Human Spirit. It gives me reason to push through hardship and pain. If I believe that an all-knowing all-powerful being knows the ins and outs of my weaknesses and still chooses to love me, then I have reason to be the person He sees in me. It also gives me a desire to do the same for others, and reach to bring Heaven a little bit closer each day.

I choose to live a life of faith, optimism, perspective and progression, all of which the doctrines of the LDS church encourage. None of these things make me perfect or without fault, but they bring me joy. I've experienced happiness, but with eternal perspective and the teachings of Christ, I have true joy.

In The Interim...

Lately I've been feeling a lot of things:

Inadequacy

Heartbreak

Homesickness

Discouragement

Fear

Overwhelment

Frustration

And all of that coupled with a highly active church calling and feeling like I'm behind at work leads to lots of over-thinking. Church today was definitely needed. I realized that regardless of all of the things that are going on in my life, despite all of the emotions that I'm feeling there is only one thing that matters: My relationship with the Savior. It is my anchor in the storm, and when there is too much to handle - and I can't even hold all of my tasks in one hand, let alone accomplish them all - if I, like Peter walking on the water, just keep my eyes on the Savior, I can accomplish miracles in the storms of my life. 

I used to see church as an inconvenience, 3 hours of meetings that I had to sit through. But now it's my refuge. Today I walked in "ready for bed." I was tired, beaten down, grumpy and completely antisocial. I have to admit that the thought of sitting through Sacrament talks was almost too much for me. But as each speaker spoke I felt life being slowly breathed back into my soul. My light, which had been dimmed by the world throughout the week, was being replenished by the Spirit. It was a magnificent feeling. And while I still felt tired, I also felt joy and light. 

The Gospel is my refuge from the storm, and each day I grow continually more and more grateful for it in my life. 

I painted this for a friend. It represents where I want to be...

 6 Yea, they shall not be beaten down by the storm at the last day; yea, neither shall they be harrowed up by the whirlwinds; but when the storm cometh they shall be gathered together in their place, that the storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry them.

 7 But behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day.

Souls Knit as One..

I love people. I love everything about them: good, bad, crazy, spiritual, indifferent....I love it all because I find a piece of myself within each element of each individual. There is nothing more difficult, or more rewarding than seeing a human being as the Savior sees them, no matter how long you've known them. The time and energy and most importantly, the love that that takes to see it is immense, but the end result is what the Lord described in 1 Samuel 18:1 where Jonathan's soul is" knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

I love that "...and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

Whenever I read that scripture, distinct images of friends that I have that love for come to my mind. Tonight I had a chance to spend some time with one of those friends... Our friendship is one of beautiful orchestration, not in the utopian sense of the word, but in the truest sense: where the situations that brought us together were of Divine origin, and though heart-wrenching, testified of a Father's love for His children, evidence that safety nets are placed along our way; for those moments when we simply can't walk the straight and narrow anymore, when we're too bruised and worn down, and when our souls are so tired that we can't possibly carry ourselves anymore....our Heavenly Father, in all His infinite wisdom, has placed someone there to catch us. And it's in these moments, the moments where we are either catching, or being caught, that hearts and souls are eternally bound together. These are moments when we become the Savior's hands, reaching out to our fallen brothers and sisters, following His will.

This may not make much sense, but what I'm trying to say, is that I am grateful for not only the Lord's trust, but the trust of friends, who before this world even began, believed in my ability to catch them when they fall. I'm grateful that I get to be an answer to a prayer, and in the process, learn to love a soul as I love my own.

Deep Waters

I was thinking today about the Joseph Smith movie they show on Temple Square, and in it there's a scene where Emma is cleaning Joseph up after he's been tarred and feathered. She asks him how he can continually endure, not only their personal trials, but also the responsibility of leading a people who are under constant attack. He responds with "Some of us were just meant to swim in deep waters."

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. The last few weeks have been some of the busiest of my life and it seems as if all the independent elements of my life (work, church, personal) have all increased in responsibility. At first I was really excited about all the change, and I like responsibility so it was kinda fun. Then I started to realize how much I was actually being asked to do, and felt the burdens settling in. Now, when I start to feel overwhelmed, I feel like all my resources are being diminished and I enter hibernation mode. Literally. I stock up on chocolate and sleep as much as possible while I ride out the storm.

I thought the hedgehogs were appropriate... :)

However, this time I've realized that this survival tactic turns me inward, when in reality, I need to be turning upward, towards the Lord.


I've often marveled at the early Saints and their ability to continually carry on despite perpetually swimming in treacherously deep waters. What I've noticed is that their complete faith in the Atonement of the Savior, and God's perspective of them is what carried them through some of the most terrible conditions imaginable. When we're asked to do tasks that seem impossibly difficult, or time consuming, it is because not only does the Lord know that we are prepared for it, but also that it is time for us to grow. We've been far too complacent for far too long, and it's time to put on our big girl panties and step into the real world. These moments that seem so overwhelming are Heavenly Father's way of saying "Sarah, you think you know how important you are to my work, and that you understand the gifts that you've been working on so hard....but now look at what you can actually do." It reminds me of a CS Lewis quote my friend sent me on the mission:


"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."


What a tragedy that I have wasted these opportunities sitting in my room, simply because I am afraid of becoming burnt out. The Lord is accomplishing a great work with each of us individually, and though it hurts, each of those moments bring us closer to being with Him.

The Master's Touch

As I’ve been reading the New Testament this year I’ve been amazed at all of the healing that Christ did during His ministry. Today I was reading in Luke 6 when Christ heals a man with a withered hand, and I thought to myself “This man already had the faith to be healed; he is there in front of the Savior, waiting patiently, with his ailment, for his turn to feel the Master’s touch.” Then I wondered what it would be like if we could actually see the ailments that the Lord has healed in those around us; our friends, family, mere acquaintances. How differently would we treat them if we only knew their struggles? I personally have had those moments when the Savior’s touch was the only thing that could retrieve me from my own thoughts, and bring me back to light.

As I kept reading I noticed the small things the Savior asked this man to do, and realized that in all of His healings He gives a small command to the person being healed. In this case He asks the man to “Rise up, and stand forth in the midst,” and the man followed. Then, the Savior says “Stretch forth thy hand. And he did so: and his hand was restored whole as the other.” For each of our individual trials, struggles, and ailments – whether they are emotional or physical – the Lord gives us small commands, which bring us to the moment that we will be restored whole, complete. But we must prepare for this moment of perfection, because ultimately it is through these small acts of obedience that we attain it. It is in each of these individual moments that we reach out to the Savior, and seek to feel His touch, even if it is simply the hem of His robe. 

Let the Weak Say 'I am Strong'...

It's been forever, and there's so much on my mind, so I'll just go with the most prevalent of all the thoughts:

The Savior loves each of us with an incomprehensible amount of pure, unconditional love. It's a brand of love that has never come from any human I've ever associated with, and have never felt anywhere else other than in my quiet moments of prayer and pondering. And what's even more amazing still, is that this love comes even when I am broken down in the depths of despair because I know that I have let Him down. I've somewhere along the way stumbled and fallen off the path back to Him, and I'm so broken and bruised that I feel like I can't possibly make my way there. But He always appears, full of love and forgiveness, and without question, picks me up and carries me the rest of the way. He heals my wounds, no matter how deep. And fills me with peace and comfort. He lifts my burdens, calms the storms of life, and softens the harsh blows of the adversary.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior and Protector. No matter the degree of my mistakes, or the depth of my pain, He can and will always make it better. He is constant in His forgiveness, and ever patient with me. And for that I will forever serve Him.

Is God a Megalomaniac?

I'm gonna warn ya, this one's long.

Yesterday my friend posted a link to a Christian blog, where the topic was this question. I was intrigued and killing some time in the airport so I thought I'd give it a little read. It was an interesting question to say the least, but I felt like his explanation had a few holes so I thought I'd give my own rebuttal :)

Before I start I want to lay a foundation of a few basic principles that may seem common knowledge to you with LDS backgrounds. However, to others, it may not be, and they are what I felt Piper was lacking in his post, and what I'll be basing mine on.

1. The Godhead consists of 3 entirely separate beings. They are one in purpose and in works, but physically there is God the Father, the Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost - a personage of Spirit.

2. God is literally the Father of our Spirits, and loves us as such - comlpetely unconditionally.

3. He, as an infinitely loving being, wants nothing more than to have us live with Him again. This is actually what He lives for. His purpose is to bring to pass our immortality.


So now my answer to our question: Is God a megalomaniac? No. In fact, I believe He is quite the opposite. I believe that He is never actually glorifying Himself. But He is only asking us to glorify Him. If this is the case some could still argue that He is feeding His own ego. Through all of Piper's jumping around in his post I feel like the essence of his question lies in his opening sentence

"Why [is] God’s relentless self-exaltation in all that he does is the most loving way for him to be?"

Well, I spent the greater portion of my 5 hr flight pondering and studying this out, and I feel a lot of his questions are answered with an understanding that Christ and God are separate, and when gloriying each other, are not actually glorifying themselves (I actually have a couple other theories involving word definitions and such, but we'll save that for a later date). But as to why God asks us to glorify Him, here are my thoughts:


Our Heavenly Father is just that, our Father. He wants us to come home to Him, and in order to do that we must be pure and clean, but we are fallen beings. As humans we make mistakes, no matter how much we try. Therefore, a plan had to be laid so that we could become clean. A sacrifice, an infinite sacrifice, had to be made on our behalf. God loved you and me so much that He was willing to sacrifice the only perfect Son that He would ever have, so that all of His children who wanted to return to Him, could become clean. If we never show gratitude for this sacrifice, for the Atonement, how will we ever be able to fully utilize it and understand what it has done, and can continue to do for us? If we don't wake up each morning and thank the Lord for His sacrifice, and recommit ourselves to trying just a little bit harder that day, how will we ever become pure? Is it possible for us, as imperfect beings to fully appreciate and understand something without ever experiencing it? And is it possible for us to remember and feel something so deeply if we never remind ourselves or share with others what it means to us? No, it's not.

This is why our Heavenly Father asks us to glorify Him, to thank Him, and to pray in the name of the Savior - so that we remember this ultimate sacrifice. He knows us so well that He knows we would forget, and as we forgot we would slip away from Him eternally. And the only thing in this universe the Lord wants is us back in His arms. Therefore, the more we remember and glorify Him, the closer we are to Him. And what parent doesn't want to be close to their children?

I'm sorry this is so long, but if anything I hope you all leave knowing that I know the Atonement is real. Christ is my Savior. He died so that I can make it back to my Father in Heaven, and I know that the more I pray and thank the Lord for His sacrifice, the closer I feel Him in my life.

It's true. It. Is. True.

In my recent move I acquired a new roommate by the name of Kristine. I met her through a mutual friend, and we were instantaneous friends. She's cool, normal, and generally considered one of the guys....sounds just like me! :)

A brief background of Kristine: she's 23, recently divorced, and hasn't been active in the church since she was about 15. Due to a series of events she decided a couple months ago to try to get back to church...with no real testimony or idea of why. Basically, I was taking a huge chance on being roommates with her, but I felt very impressed that it was something that I needed to do. So I took the leap, and made the move.

Yesterday, church was phenomenal. I haven't felt the Spirit, or received revelation like that in a while. My emotions were very close to the surface and the Spirit was booming the whole time. And it wasn't just me who thought so. After Relief Society quite a few people expressed the same feelings. So when we got home and Kristine said "I'm starting to feel like this whole thing is a lie." I was slightly taken aback. 

I spent the next hour with her in our kitchen discussing the experiences she'd had thus far, what she remembered the Spirit feeling like, how she can feel it again, and comparing my conversion process to what she was currently going through. At the end I actually felt pretty defeated about the whole thing... like I hadn't gotten through at all, and that maybe the doubt was already too deep. So I finished up by just saying "Kristine, I know that you may not know if it's true, but I do. Regardless of how you feel now, you'll know, because this is the Lord's gospel, and He will tell you." She just got really silent and we went off our separate ways.

This morning while I was at work I got a text message from her that said "It's true. It. Is. True." Immediately I felt the familiar joy of the Spirit starting to flood my soul. I texted her back and said "Please tell me we're talking about the Gospel." And of course she was. All day today I've felt like I felt on the mission. There is no better feeling than the one you feel when someone learns for themselves that they are a child of an Eternal Father who loves them perfectly, no matter their mistakes. To know that we're not alone in this life, and we never ever have to make a decision on our own ever again, that there is eternal life after this, a life that we can have with our families...is the most beautiful gift that has ever been given. 

I can't wait to get home so that I can hug her... I've been on the verge of happy tears all day long. I'm so grateful for the Atonement, and what it's done for me. The Savior's love has literally transformed me, and now I have the chance to share it with others. What greater gift is there?