Best Worst Pep Talk Ever

Seriously, this is how I feel. But despite the significant lack of social life and huge influx of all-nighters, I still managed to pick up some dating insight along the way. Therefore, I give you: The best worst pep talk ever.

About 2 weeks ago I called one of my friends for a favor and next thing I know I'm getting a dating pep talk - which is exactly what we all need the week before finals...? I'm not gonna lie, the delivery was terrible, but I was magically able to navigate my way through it and glean some truths. It's honestly been very influential over the past few weeks, and I'm exceptionally grateful for the person who gave it to me. Below you will find excerpts of the talk, immediately followed by my interpretation of each principle. These are direct quotes from an actual phone conversation.

1. "Next thing you know you're realizing another one of God's children doesn't love you" 

Translation: Dating is naturally going to come with rejection. However, rejection is better than never knowing because it is the only way to move forward. Sitting around in fear that someone might not share your feelings is just making you more discouraged, so get up, face your fears and get rejected so you can move on and find the person who will love you.

2. "Put all your eggs in one basket, and the next day you're watching 'em float down the river" - 

Translation: Options are a good thing. Putting too much stock in one situation is basically the express lane to disappointment. Obviously this is not an excuse to play the field, and options should be limited to your emotional capacity - the deeper the commitment, the more "eggs" in the basket. Flirting is the process of collecting baskets. If they stick around, try adding an egg. The process of placing an (note the singularity of the article here) egg in a basket can be likened to dating, and as the commitment to one person grows, slowly remove eggs from other baskets to put into that basket. Otherwise, keep your eggs to yourself until you've moved into the dating phase.

3. "If you breed a thousand rabbits expecting to sell them as food, you'll just end up alone with a lot of rabbits" 

Translation: If you spend your time idealizing a person and the potential for your future happiness, you may end up either a.) psyching yourself out so much that you never even act, or b.) becoming sorely disappointed when the person doesn't live up to your expectations. Therefore, moving quickly towards actual dates gives you the knowledge you need to decide if this relationship is something you want to continue to pursue.

4. "You'll just be sitting on the sidelines watching people who are no braver than you, happily in relationships" 

Translation: Happy relationships don't happen to the pretty/skinny/funny/successful people, they happen to people who are willing to push themselves out of their comfort zones. Love comes from risk. Sometimes it ends in failure - in some of our cases it seems to always end in failure - but if we keep pushing ourselves just a little more each day, in everything that we do, success is inevitable.

Love and Shoes

Yesterday, one of my friends expressed his confusion about why none of his ex's wanted to marry him, a thought which I think most of us have had. Unfortunately, there are a million reasons: timing, agency, preference, compatibility, fear, the list goes on. But what came to my mind was that selecting a spouse is a whole lot like selecting shoes.

I love shoes, but I don't just walk into DSW, grab whatever looks good, and take it home. Shoe shopping takes time, patience, precision and feeling. When I enter a store, I'm not only looking for something that looks good, but something that fits, and has the right price tag. Most importantly, the shoe needs to bring out some element of my personality; I need to love it. There are plenty of shoes that I think are cute, but just aren't me.

In my experience, dating is exactly the same. Someone may be attractive, and their personality may fit with mine, but there are some prices that I'm just not willing to pay - things I'm not willing to sacrifice - to make the relationship work. On the other hand, everything could be perfect on paper, the look, the fit and the cost, but something's just not there, even if I want it to be. Therefore, I'm convinced marriage takes an act of God. It's honestly as baffling to me as the creation of the world - just as I don't understand how the world came into being, I cannot fathom the strings God has to pull to get two people fall in love with each other - at the same time.

So in the mean time, it's all about hope. Not hope in a person, or a situation; but hope in the Lord. Hope that He knows not only what's best for us, but when it's best. I can't tell you how many times I've almost bought a pair of shoes, and walked out because I knew they were too expensive, and then came back months later only to find them 80% off. And that, my friends, remains the hardest part of singlehood: to trust that one day, that perfect pair, wrapped up with everything in it's proper place will appear.

Don't be a lumper.

Lately the phrases "when you least expect it" and "when you're not looking for it" have been kicking around in my little Sarah brain where they've been met with sarcasm and reality checks. Which we all know leads to a blog...

First, I asked myself: "when was the last time I expected marriage?" I'm rounding the corner to 27 (which is not old b.t.w...), and I've been un-relationshipped for a little over 3 years now. I think at this point in my life I look cute and flirt with boys just for fun. Not that I'm never interested, but - in the least bitter, cynical way possible - I'm not sure I'm ever really expecting anything when I do it anymore. 

And second: are any of my single friends out there not looking for marriage? Didn't think so. That would be contradictory to both our hormones and the prophet.

These conclusions only lead me to the question: what point are these people trying to make?

I think it has something to do with purpose. The life of singlehood is like walking a tight-rope of time management. You can't just sit around waiting for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet - at some point you need to get off your little bum and make progression in your life. Purpose, direction and service are what make you feel whole. Lumping around in your house waiting for love to knock on your door is going to make you just as sad as it sounds. On the other hand, you can't be filling your life so full that there isn't time or space for someone in it. Those phrases we hear all the time are just small reminders for us to do something with ourselves and enjoy the journey. Being single in your mid-20's and early 30's is a great opportunity to learn about yourself and serve others. And it is in that process that we find happiness, whether marriage comes along or not. 

Why I Believe

Today marks 8 years since the day I was baptized into the LDS Church. I keep feeling like I've added wrong because it can't possibly have been that long. Some days I feel like I'm still so behind in terms of the Gospel, and other days it feels like I've had it my whole life. There are times that I can't remember what it's like to live without it, and there are days that I remember all too vividly. Some of you have only known me as "Sarah the Mormon," and some of you have seen both sides, but I feel like whether you're LDS or not, the question always remains - Why do I believe?

I'm 26 and I don't drink, smoke, partake in any form of illicit drugs, or believe in premarital sex. Here in Utah it feels a little bit easier because there seem to be more people striving for the same things. But regardless of the fact that there are so many millions of us who all believe the same, if you asked every last Mormon on the planet why they believed what they did, you would get just as many different answers.

For me, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only constant in my life. Everything in our lives is conditional, inconsistent and temporal. It can all change within minutes. Even the stablest, most meaningful of relationships can crumble based on a person's choices. The Gospel, however, is Christ-centered. It is pure unaltered truth, and revolves around Him and His eternal teachings. Therefore, when life becomes convoluted and uncertain,  I have a sure foundation to hold on to.

I've heard plenty of arguments about weak individuals needing to believe in God, and their inability to believe in the power of the Human Spirit; but because I believe in God, I have reason to believe in the power of the Human Spirit. It gives me reason to push through hardship and pain. If I believe that an all-knowing all-powerful being knows the ins and outs of my weaknesses and still chooses to love me, then I have reason to be the person He sees in me. It also gives me a desire to do the same for others, and reach to bring Heaven a little bit closer each day.

I choose to live a life of faith, optimism, perspective and progression, all of which the doctrines of the LDS church encourage. None of these things make me perfect or without fault, but they bring me joy. I've experienced happiness, but with eternal perspective and the teachings of Christ, I have true joy.

808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

It Takes a Lady.

I know most days I'm a little harsh on the guys, so today, I would like to present a suggestion to all my ladies that, after much communication with several men, I feel will assist in project "Man-Up 2012."

However, before I get into this, let's get a couple things straight: I believe in woman's rights. I believe that we should have the right to vote, to own property, equal pay, and all other fun things that boys get to do. However, I also believe that we are different than men. For starters they're generally bigger, with deeper voices and more hair. Their ability to open jars and throw things really far is far superior to ours no matter what we do. Why? Probably because they're meant to hunt and kill things. Now, because I'm never going to be able to throw like Brett Favre am I less of a human? No way. Am I bent out of shape about it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would much rather have the strengths I'm predisposed to, the things that baffle my male counterparts: Intuition, emotional sensitivity,  faith - in the Lord, in life, and most importantly, in others.

Despite what society would tell us, the above qualities are what make a Woman. The media tells us that in order to be "Women" we have two choices: either be like men, or be physically appealing to them. We must become devoid of emotions, "over-thinking" and modesty. We should no longer care about the sacredness of procreative powers and learn to gain our self-worth from how "sexy" men perceive us to be. However, the price of this "sexual freedom" is our feminine identity. In order to fall in line with the world's bastardized definition of "Womanhood" we must abandon everything the Lord has created us to be. Instead of being soft, gentle, kind, full of hope, selfless and nurturing, we must become cold, hard, cynical, prideful, competitive, and desirable.

Now, I'm not sure where this idea came from...Shania Twain coloring her hair, doing what she dares...the Spice Girls telling us what they want, what they really really want....

....I don't know. But somewhere down the line, things got out of control. And here is where I would like to suggest that in order for Men to "man-up" maybe we need to "Woman-down" a bit. We all do it - build tough exteriors to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable and getting hurt. But this "tough-girl" act is, in a mild-sense, an attempt to desensitize the feminine gift of emotion that the Lord has given us. If we, instead of giving into cocky, sassy, borderline-"scarcastic" flirting, approached men with gentility, love, and meek confidence, we might be seen as less threatening and more approachable. Now, I don't know that this will work, but as the last 26 years has proved, the other route ain't workin' for me.

Therefore, I would like to issue a challenge to the women reading this: Woman-down, just a bit, and show the brethren in your life that you believe in them, that they're worth something more than they allow themselves to be. If anything, you and the men in your life, will better understand what it means to be a Woman of God. In closing, I want to leave a portion of a talk from my Bishop given to the sisters as an added call to bring back Womanhood.

Be refined, be lady-like, be feminine; in the way you act, in the way you talk, in the way you dress, in the way you interact with the brethren...don’t let the world or our society determine your standards, degrade you, or induce you to follow the pattern of men in any of these areas...

Much in the world in which we live would have you believe that you are less valuable, or at best, equal to men; that you are objects of desire and lust. I believe that you are far better than we men in so many ways. I repeat what I have observed, believed and taught, for many years: The only way women will ever be equal to men, is to lower themselves down to our level. Don’t do it. It is not who God created you to be. It is not your potential; it is not God’s design or destiny for you. We brethren need your strength; we need your contrasting softness and kindness, your faithfulness, your spirituality, your goodness and your godliness. 

Now go forth, and be Women.

Men.

I remember once asking "At what age do boys become men?" Since that time, I've realized that the transition from Boy to Man is not determined by the amount of years, but by experiences. And it is by these experiences that each boy is then presented with what I like to call "Man Cards." Man Cards are more like an expansion pack than a deck, with varying themes which can be mixed and matched to create a full hand. Theoretical packs may include, but are not limited to:

• The Handy Man: Great at fixing all car/household needs
• The Ladies Man: Knows his role in all courting formalities
• The Business Man: Strives to build a life of stability for his loved ones
• The Family Man: Prioritizes life with wife and children at the top.
• The Man in Charge: Decisive and confident, yet yielding and humble. 

Now, of course, each pack comes with various cards, which - when tasks are accomplished, or habits or lifestyles created - are given to said boy/man. The expansion pack which I would like to discuss in depth today, is what I would like to call: The Ultimate Man.

Over Thanksgiving I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my brother (who, in my mind, is still 17), has been rapidly collecting his man cards. Part of this I attribute to my father, the manliest man I know, and the other part I attribute to his prosthetic leg (pictured right). About 4 years ago my brother was in a traumatic accident which took 6 inches of his left leg. For any 21 yr old, this could be a pretty traumatic experience, but Alex fought hard to overcome all the emotional and physical aspects of his injury. Today, most people don't even know there's anything wrong until the first time he slams his shin on tool box without wincing. Throughout his experiences he's adopted the mantra "I am not handicapped" which is not limited to physicality. My brother refuses to be handicapped in any area of his life. If something needs to be done, he does it, with no excuses.

Alex is also the epitome of a "Protector." He will make sure all of your needs are taken care of, and he takes his responsibility as provider very seriously. He is not above making you breakfast in bed, telling you he loves you, or listening to you cry, because he knows that's what you need. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, he is also going to protect you in every way possible: finding food, fixing your car, providing shelter, and threatening to bash in the heads of careless boys who demolish your heart. In a few short years of life, he's realized that being a man is about accepting responsibility, not projecting it on others.

It was a little startling to realize my little brother was all grown up, but more than anything it was eye-opening to realize that the characteristics he encompasses are the characteristics I look for in the men that I date. There are plenty of Man Cards that are nice to have around (i.e. The Oil Change, Successful Job, Orders His Date's Food, etc...), but the ones that I feel are pivotal in my "Am I going to date this guy" process, come from The Ultimate Man category. They are learned traits of a man who is comfortable enough in his manhood, to strive for traits that could be perceived as less manly. While confidence, decisiveness, and a dash of "Cro-Magnon" mentality can be initially very attractive, it's exceptionally comforting to know that your man can be humble, meek, and "easy to be entreated."

Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys

Obviously gauged ears are super hot...

Thank you Brandon Boyd for being beautiful.

...but I decided that there was probably more to it than that and it was probably wise to figure it out. Then I also decided that I should probably impart my insight to the world. So here it is: Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys (to be abbreviated hereafter as NLGs...). And I apologize for the generalizations. These aren't facts, just observations from my life.

1. They show interest
For some unknown reason, all the LDS guys that have ever liked me, have never said anything. I find out way too late to do anything and always from some mutual friend. And in most cases I always think "I would've totally gone out with him!" NLGs are straight up about it from the get-go.

2. They know what a date is
When NLGs are interested, they ask me out to get to know me better. When LDS guys are interested, they have to form new social situations to see me in action so they can get to know me casually so that they can figure out if they want to date me. Dates are to get to know people so you can decide if you want to date them, not a trap door to marriage.

3. They respect my boundaries
One of the problems with dating within the Church is that everyone has a different set of "rules" when it comes to dating and making out. I pretty much wrote the book on conservative dating, and therefore, with LDS guys, my views are often mocked instead of respected. NLGs on the other hand, do whatever it takes to be with me, and if that means certain rules of engagement during cuddling or making out, then so be it.

4. They understand a good thing
I think that most LDS males have an overabundance of phenomenal women in their lives. So many, that they start to think that it's normal. However, I can't tell you how many of my NLG friends have said "I'm just so ready to find a good girl..." and that's the truth. Once they see a girl who is focused, faithful and full of hope, optimism and happiness, they recognize that it's an anomaly and not the standard.

5. They just do
I feel like the thought process in their head is something like this:


*Sees cute girl* Hottie! *approaches girl and engages in conversation* She's funny! *more conversation* And smart! *more conversation* Dude, I gotta get her number...*number attained*

Most of my LDS buddies talk the relationship through eternity and realize all the flaws with the marriage before they even get the girls' number. Seriously dude, tone it down. Take her on a date... It's just a date.


Now obviously there are other reasons why I'm attracted to these guys, for the most part, they're genuine, sincere, men with good hearts and plenty of drive and chivalry. But the reasons why I consider dating them more frequently than LDS guys can be summed up in the above 5 reasons. So in conclusion: