808's and Heartbreak

Yes, I am listening to Kayne as I write this post.

Recently one of my friends had his little heart shattered. I could go into all the details of back story and blame, but the end result is always the same....

Now, back a couple years ago, I remember joking that love was actually contrived of Satan. I didn't understand how a loving Father in Heaven could think it was good for us to run around being attracted to people that aren't attracted back, or better yet, why we loved people so strongly that weren't right for us. It seemed to me a vicious cycle of pain that couldn't, for any reason be the plan of a Merciful Creator. However, as I've grown up, I've realized a couple of important things that can be summed up in a single CS Lewis quote:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

First, let's discuss this "hurts abominably" portion. Honestly, it's this portion of "the path to love" that I've found most confusing. If families are an institution of God, if that is the end goal, and where he wants us, shouldn't he just hand it to us on a platter? And wouldn't more people be excited about dating if it didn't suck so bad? Probably. But the reason it hurts so bad, is to give us opportunity to use the Atonement. Life doesn't need help throwing us pain, and that's why we have a Savior who suffered to understand each individual affliction. When trials and hardships, including heartbreak, happen it is our opportunity to turn to the all-knowing Creator, and his Son, who not only know and understand us, but who can see the eternal perspective. And in this moment of prayer, we not only accomplish humility and vulnerability, but gain the Divine bestowal of comfort, peace, and perspective.

Secondly, I'd like to point out a reality. We sincerely see ourselves as cottages: quaintly tucked away on waterfront property, beautifully built, but far from majestic. But God sees us for what we really are: a place of magnificence and prestige, built to be inhabited by royalty. Far too often I have a been ready to settle for cottage-dwellers; owners who - while they are proud of, and love their cottage - spur little to no inspiration or influence. Contrast that with palace dwellers, or nobility; intended to represent grandeur, magnificence and exalted moral excellence.

As I get further along in the dating world, I realize that "Thy will be done" also relates to the individual I select to be sealed to for eternity. If the Lord knows my potential, and sees my purpose and ability to influence others, I have to believe he has set aside for me an individual who sees it and encourages it as well. Heartbreak is terrible. It's never easy, or deserved, but it is one of the most powerful ways to come unto the Savior. It provides us with sacred opportunities to not only recognize and receive the comfort of the Holy Ghost, but to be given opportunity and chance to become the Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King. 

It Takes a Lady.

I know most days I'm a little harsh on the guys, so today, I would like to present a suggestion to all my ladies that, after much communication with several men, I feel will assist in project "Man-Up 2012."

However, before I get into this, let's get a couple things straight: I believe in woman's rights. I believe that we should have the right to vote, to own property, equal pay, and all other fun things that boys get to do. However, I also believe that we are different than men. For starters they're generally bigger, with deeper voices and more hair. Their ability to open jars and throw things really far is far superior to ours no matter what we do. Why? Probably because they're meant to hunt and kill things. Now, because I'm never going to be able to throw like Brett Favre am I less of a human? No way. Am I bent out of shape about it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would much rather have the strengths I'm predisposed to, the things that baffle my male counterparts: Intuition, emotional sensitivity,  faith - in the Lord, in life, and most importantly, in others.

Despite what society would tell us, the above qualities are what make a Woman. The media tells us that in order to be "Women" we have two choices: either be like men, or be physically appealing to them. We must become devoid of emotions, "over-thinking" and modesty. We should no longer care about the sacredness of procreative powers and learn to gain our self-worth from how "sexy" men perceive us to be. However, the price of this "sexual freedom" is our feminine identity. In order to fall in line with the world's bastardized definition of "Womanhood" we must abandon everything the Lord has created us to be. Instead of being soft, gentle, kind, full of hope, selfless and nurturing, we must become cold, hard, cynical, prideful, competitive, and desirable.

Now, I'm not sure where this idea came from...Shania Twain coloring her hair, doing what she dares...the Spice Girls telling us what they want, what they really really want....

....I don't know. But somewhere down the line, things got out of control. And here is where I would like to suggest that in order for Men to "man-up" maybe we need to "Woman-down" a bit. We all do it - build tough exteriors to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable and getting hurt. But this "tough-girl" act is, in a mild-sense, an attempt to desensitize the feminine gift of emotion that the Lord has given us. If we, instead of giving into cocky, sassy, borderline-"scarcastic" flirting, approached men with gentility, love, and meek confidence, we might be seen as less threatening and more approachable. Now, I don't know that this will work, but as the last 26 years has proved, the other route ain't workin' for me.

Therefore, I would like to issue a challenge to the women reading this: Woman-down, just a bit, and show the brethren in your life that you believe in them, that they're worth something more than they allow themselves to be. If anything, you and the men in your life, will better understand what it means to be a Woman of God. In closing, I want to leave a portion of a talk from my Bishop given to the sisters as an added call to bring back Womanhood.

Be refined, be lady-like, be feminine; in the way you act, in the way you talk, in the way you dress, in the way you interact with the brethren...don’t let the world or our society determine your standards, degrade you, or induce you to follow the pattern of men in any of these areas...

Much in the world in which we live would have you believe that you are less valuable, or at best, equal to men; that you are objects of desire and lust. I believe that you are far better than we men in so many ways. I repeat what I have observed, believed and taught, for many years: The only way women will ever be equal to men, is to lower themselves down to our level. Don’t do it. It is not who God created you to be. It is not your potential; it is not God’s design or destiny for you. We brethren need your strength; we need your contrasting softness and kindness, your faithfulness, your spirituality, your goodness and your godliness. 

Now go forth, and be Women.

Men.

I remember once asking "At what age do boys become men?" Since that time, I've realized that the transition from Boy to Man is not determined by the amount of years, but by experiences. And it is by these experiences that each boy is then presented with what I like to call "Man Cards." Man Cards are more like an expansion pack than a deck, with varying themes which can be mixed and matched to create a full hand. Theoretical packs may include, but are not limited to:

• The Handy Man: Great at fixing all car/household needs
• The Ladies Man: Knows his role in all courting formalities
• The Business Man: Strives to build a life of stability for his loved ones
• The Family Man: Prioritizes life with wife and children at the top.
• The Man in Charge: Decisive and confident, yet yielding and humble. 

Now, of course, each pack comes with various cards, which - when tasks are accomplished, or habits or lifestyles created - are given to said boy/man. The expansion pack which I would like to discuss in depth today, is what I would like to call: The Ultimate Man.

Over Thanksgiving I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my brother (who, in my mind, is still 17), has been rapidly collecting his man cards. Part of this I attribute to my father, the manliest man I know, and the other part I attribute to his prosthetic leg (pictured right). About 4 years ago my brother was in a traumatic accident which took 6 inches of his left leg. For any 21 yr old, this could be a pretty traumatic experience, but Alex fought hard to overcome all the emotional and physical aspects of his injury. Today, most people don't even know there's anything wrong until the first time he slams his shin on tool box without wincing. Throughout his experiences he's adopted the mantra "I am not handicapped" which is not limited to physicality. My brother refuses to be handicapped in any area of his life. If something needs to be done, he does it, with no excuses.

Alex is also the epitome of a "Protector." He will make sure all of your needs are taken care of, and he takes his responsibility as provider very seriously. He is not above making you breakfast in bed, telling you he loves you, or listening to you cry, because he knows that's what you need. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, he is also going to protect you in every way possible: finding food, fixing your car, providing shelter, and threatening to bash in the heads of careless boys who demolish your heart. In a few short years of life, he's realized that being a man is about accepting responsibility, not projecting it on others.

It was a little startling to realize my little brother was all grown up, but more than anything it was eye-opening to realize that the characteristics he encompasses are the characteristics I look for in the men that I date. There are plenty of Man Cards that are nice to have around (i.e. The Oil Change, Successful Job, Orders His Date's Food, etc...), but the ones that I feel are pivotal in my "Am I going to date this guy" process, come from The Ultimate Man category. They are learned traits of a man who is comfortable enough in his manhood, to strive for traits that could be perceived as less manly. While confidence, decisiveness, and a dash of "Cro-Magnon" mentality can be initially very attractive, it's exceptionally comforting to know that your man can be humble, meek, and "easy to be entreated."

Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys

Obviously gauged ears are super hot...

Thank you Brandon Boyd for being beautiful.

...but I decided that there was probably more to it than that and it was probably wise to figure it out. Then I also decided that I should probably impart my insight to the world. So here it is: Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS Guys (to be abbreviated hereafter as NLGs...). And I apologize for the generalizations. These aren't facts, just observations from my life.

1. They show interest
For some unknown reason, all the LDS guys that have ever liked me, have never said anything. I find out way too late to do anything and always from some mutual friend. And in most cases I always think "I would've totally gone out with him!" NLGs are straight up about it from the get-go.

2. They know what a date is
When NLGs are interested, they ask me out to get to know me better. When LDS guys are interested, they have to form new social situations to see me in action so they can get to know me casually so that they can figure out if they want to date me. Dates are to get to know people so you can decide if you want to date them, not a trap door to marriage.

3. They respect my boundaries
One of the problems with dating within the Church is that everyone has a different set of "rules" when it comes to dating and making out. I pretty much wrote the book on conservative dating, and therefore, with LDS guys, my views are often mocked instead of respected. NLGs on the other hand, do whatever it takes to be with me, and if that means certain rules of engagement during cuddling or making out, then so be it.

4. They understand a good thing
I think that most LDS males have an overabundance of phenomenal women in their lives. So many, that they start to think that it's normal. However, I can't tell you how many of my NLG friends have said "I'm just so ready to find a good girl..." and that's the truth. Once they see a girl who is focused, faithful and full of hope, optimism and happiness, they recognize that it's an anomaly and not the standard.

5. They just do
I feel like the thought process in their head is something like this:


*Sees cute girl* Hottie! *approaches girl and engages in conversation* She's funny! *more conversation* And smart! *more conversation* Dude, I gotta get her number...*number attained*

Most of my LDS buddies talk the relationship through eternity and realize all the flaws with the marriage before they even get the girls' number. Seriously dude, tone it down. Take her on a date... It's just a date.


Now obviously there are other reasons why I'm attracted to these guys, for the most part, they're genuine, sincere, men with good hearts and plenty of drive and chivalry. But the reasons why I consider dating them more frequently than LDS guys can be summed up in the above 5 reasons. So in conclusion:

Don't Mess.

Everything in life is about balance: Be confident but not prideful; be humble but not a doormat; indulge every once in a while but always be in control; express how you feel but don't be irrational; not everyone needs to know everything but be honest in all your dealings....it makes it hard to know where the line is, and takes constant course correction. 


If I were to be described in terms of personality tests The Color Code says I'm a Blue/White, Meyers-Briggs calls me the INFJ Counselor; and Kiersey labels me as an Idealist. Basically, I'm a lover and a feeler. It's what I do. I love without conditions, trust cautiously, strive to be nothing but genuine with people, and I value integrity higher than any other virtue. In theory this all sounds really great and noble, but occasionally it can be perceived as naive and soft.


But I don't love out of naivety. I love out of choice. I see the deceit and wickedness of the world and choose to love anyway. I know that most people don't prize integrity as much as I do, and everyone has different perceptions of what's acceptable behavior. We've all been raised in different realities, and have different belief systems of how to live our lives. And in the face of all of those facts, loving everyone unconditionally and without cause leaves you looking like an easy target, or a necessity for coddling. Therefore, I believe that while love is given freely, trust should be given sparingly.


Because of the status of the world and how much I've been burned in the past, I trust very conditionally. Based mostly on intuition and continuous honesty: if you can tell me I should probably not wear that dress, and that you hate it when I whistle, your trust factor goes up. BS makes my top 5 pet peeve list. Honesty shows respect.


I am 25, I have life experience and have seen and been through situations that have shaped me into, what I would consider, a relatively rational, mature adult. I see reality for what it is, I simply choose not to sink to its level. I choose to tow the line of realism and optimism; being thick-skinned and soft-hearted; and loving without restraint in a world of filth and sorrow despite the consequences. 

Just let it go...

I used to think unrequited love was the worst thing imaginable. I've since proven myself wrong. Self-forbidden love is far worse. Attraction is a principle that I don't think I'll ever understand. Why is Susie attracted to Billy when Billy's attracted to Janie? Better yet, why are Bill and Mary attracted to each other when Bill likes to drink beer and Mary wants to be married in the temple? I have no idea. Here is where I would like to add the disclaimer that I am, by no means, listening to Dashboard and screaming at the heavens while slashing at my wrists. I'm actually quite far from that place. This here post is simply a step back from years of mutual attraction between me and men I shouldn't date, to look at what has come of all of it. And here's what I've gleaned:

Sacrifice for future progression.

In the past, I tried really hard to make each of these situations work. Sarah meets Boy and thinks he's attractive, but carries on with life. One day Boy makes a move and Sarah remembers that sometimes boys like her. Mutual interest is born. Sarah and Boy know that it's unfair to try to make relationship work, but Sarah remains secretly hopeful and falls anyway. Hard. Followed by pain. The end.

However, this last time around, I've realized a couple things:
1. I love Jesus
2. I want family built on a solid Gospel foundation
3. In order to have a Christ-centered home, I must have a Christ-centered husband.

And for some reason, despite facts 1 & 2, I cannot find a freakin #3. For some unknown reason I'm not typically attracted to LDS guys, and for probably the same reason, they're not really attracted to me. It's strange, I know, but true. So this last time, instead of throwing myself emotionally into a trainwreck of the heart, I've decided to sacrifice what I want right now, for what I really want - an eternal family.

It's probably one of the most torturous thing I've ever done to myself. But, I know that sometimes the Lord is already handing us the blessings we want, but we are way to occupied with the mediocrity we happen to be clinging to. Let's hope this is the case.....or else....

Just kidding. When I typed "Just let it go" into Google this is what came up. How could I say no to the Angel of Death? Look how cute he is...see what I mean? Always attracted to the dark ones.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...

Or I'm Mormon. So not really.

Let's talk about NCMOs. You all know you've had one. Even those of us who try to pass it off by dating someone we really don't like and continuously telling them (and yourself) that "you still want to give them a chance even though you're not committed because you, in all actuality, don't know".... regardless of the fact that all you do is make out with them....yeah, you know. You know deep in the recesses of your conscience that you're just in it for the lip action.

Those of you who know me, know that I don't believe in NCMOs. Mostly because I don't believe in hurting others, or knowingly thrusting myself into heartache. And let's face it, no one has ever come out of one of those unscathed. At the very least, you feel dirty and used, and even if you weren't interested, the moment you're done it's a freakin race to get the hottest boyfriend possible before he shows up with America's next top model.

With all that being said, there's lots of boy talk and making out flying around our house these days, and it's making me itch just a little...or a lot. But regardless of how much I wanna put my tally on that white board (honestly, who does that!?...) becoming a lesser human being by abasing my morals and giving in to some lustful desire that's just going to leave me feeling crappy at the end anyway, is totally not worth it.

So in the mean time, I'll be over here. With my self-imposed hyper-chaste morals keeping me warm at night.